Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Unidentified Clan Jendri pilot

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Unidentified Clan Jendri pilot

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. Hanzo Hasashi (talk) 04:24, March 20, 2013 (UTC)
  2. ACvote CC7567 (talk) 17:41, April 11, 2013 (UTC)
  3. 501st dogma(talk) 20:34, April 14, 2013 (UTC)
  4. Supreme Emperor (talk) 21:17, April 25, 2013 (UTC)
  5. ACvote IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 22:49, April 25, 2013 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Cade GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Calrayn 18:39, May 3, 2013 (UTC)

Object

Hanzo
  1. The second sentence of the intro and bio are identical. Try to change one of them. Hanzo Hasashi (talk) 14:58, March 19, 2013 (UTC)
Attack of the Clone
  • Would there be any way to smooth out the flow of the intro? The last three sentences in particular are rather choppy and play-by-play. Try repeatedly reading them aloud and see if there's a way to improve sentence flow.
    • Re-worded it. Hows it look.
  • If he was a pilot primarily for a specific vehicle (apparently his war droid), that should be mentioned as early as possible in both the intro and Bio.
    • Mentioned earlier.
  • Some context on Mandalore's Mask in the Bio would be helpful.
    • It's already in the bio, in the second sentence "for the ancient ceremonial war mask".
  • Same deal for with Canderous Ordo.
    • Added.
      • Is there any other relevant context that would work for Ordo, other than that he was the "future Mandalore"? It doesn't sound prudent to allude to something that hasn't happened yet, since it doesn't seem to be directly relevant to this pilot. CC7567 (talk) 19:30, April 6, 2013 (UTC)
        • Changed to Mandalorian Merc, I believe that's more fitting.
  • Any relevant images that can be added to the article? Perhaps of Revan, since he killed the pilot?
    • Added.
      • Minor, but just to make sure you're aware, please take note of Forum:CT:Punctuation in image captions. CC7567 (talk) 19:30, April 6, 2013 (UTC)
        • I was under the impression that we were not to punctuate image captions. However I am aware now that's not the case and punctuated the caption.
  • "The Jedi Master charged the pilot, zigzagging to prevent a clear shot, ran underneath the Basilisk and leapt high in the air using his lightsaber to damage the tail." This is another spot that is rather play-by-play. Please see what you can do to improve sentence flow. You might consider omitting some details and keeping only the ones that are necessary.
    • Hows it look now?
  • The same objection about sentence flow especially applies to the second paragraph of the Bio, which is very choppy. Try paraphrasing more, so that the details fit in a presentable way and only the necessary details remain. I know I'm giving advice in general terms, but I'd like for you to try to adjust it before I present specific suggestions. CC7567 (talk) 16:47, March 23, 2013 (UTC)
    • Adjusted. DarthRevan1173 Revan Headshot (Long live Lord Revan) 19:18, March 23, 2013 (UTC)
      • It looked pretty good, so I don't think I need to make any specific suggestions; I just made a few slight tweaks. Please note one thing: "however" cannot be used to link two sentences or independent clauses. "The pilot reached over his shoulder to get rid of his unwelcome passenger, however, the Jedi Master easily evaded the pilot's reach," which has now been adjusted, would have required a semi-colon somewhere instead of a comma if these two clauses were to be linked, e.g. "The pilot reached over his shoulder to get rid of his unwelcome passenger; however, the Jedi Master easily evaded the pilot's reach." Please take note of that for the future. CC7567 (talk) 19:30, April 6, 2013 (UTC)
501st
  • I'm thinking that the paragraph where he dies is a bit too play-by-play. Could you tone it down a bit?
  • Otherwise, good work. 501st dogma(talk) 13:12, April 14, 2013 (UTC)
Floyd
  • Are there any applicable quotes?
    • None that pertain directly or indirectly to him. I can use one that covers the skirmish that he perished in if you think that's best.
  • Does it merit mentioning anywhere that whoever found the mask would become the new Mandalore?
    • I suppose it does, now added.
  • Is there anything that could go in a P&T? Something about his skill as a Basilisk pilot, if available, could fit. IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 22:19, April 14, 2013 (UTC)
    • All that can be said is he was skilled enough to pilot a Basilisk. I don't believe that warrants a P&T, however I can add it if that's what you wish. DarthRevan1173 Revan Headshot (Long live Lord Revan) 03:22, April 15, 2013 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 20:41, May 5, 2013 (UTC)