Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Shel Jelavan

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Shel Jelavan

(5 Inqs/3 Users/8 Total)

Support

  1. Inqvote Pattern? What pattern? Green Tentacle (Talk) 14:46, 26 March 2008 (UTC)
  2. Spell-checked and ready. Good pattern. Enochf 21:53, 26 March 2008 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Graestan(Talk) 20:32, 27 March 2008 (UTC)
  4. You dirty rat, you killed my brother! Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:44, 29 March 2008 (UTC)
  5. Keep this up Greentea, and you may as well join WP:KOTOR.--Goodwood Redstarbird (Alliance Intelligence) 21:08, 29 March 2008 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Jaina Solo(Talk) 13:26, 30 March 2008 (UTC)
  7. Inqvote -- Darth Culator (Talk) 19:07, 2 April 2008 (UTC)
  8. Inqvote GT and his ladies. Greyman Jan.png (Talk) 03:37, 3 April 2008 (UTC)

Object

  1. From the squalid cubicle of Graestan:
    • "Carrick, meanwhile, initially evaded capture by both the Jedi Masters and the Taris Civil Authority, before eventually turning himself in. Jelavan and her younger brother were present in the crowd of onlookers in Patrol Plaza as Zayne was returned to Taris to face justice by the bounty hunter Valius Ying." – I'm assuming these are two separate events. Otherwise, why would he be brought to justice if he was turning himself in? Please clarify.
    • "who persuaded her that she had the opportunity to avenge her brother's death" – Reads a bit awkward. Please reword.
    • "arrived at the Resistance base with the Hidden Beks to discuss the swoop gang joining the Resistance." – A bit of an awkward setup for the Beks; please reword.
    • "The entrance of Raana Tey into their conversation did not help either" – A bit too casual of tone.
    • Gadon Thek needs a little setup.
    • Great BtS. I really like it. To think that much more prominent characters aren't as thoroughly researched and explored in BtS sickens me. Graestan(Talk) 18:13, 27 March 2008 (UTC)
      • Should all be fixed. Even thrown in some more BtS since you like it so much. :P Green Tentacle (Talk) 20:26, 27 March 2008 (UTC)
  2. Toprawa:
    • In the introduction's final clause, your reference to Carrick as a "Jedi Master" is dropped a bit rough for transition's sake. Please add a little bit specifying that now, as a Master, he was killed, if you understand my meaning.
      • Carrick isn't the Jedi Master in question. She stabs Raana Tey to save Carrick's life. Reworded a little so see if it's clearer. Green Tentacle (Talk) 13:53, 29 March 2008 (UTC)
    • Prior to this sentence, you never specify that the Jedi Masters also either knew or suspected Carrick to be the culprit, just that news channels identified him as such. Please specify what the Masters and the Taris Civil Authority knew and/or believed to provide this sentence greater clarification: "Carrick, meanwhile, initially evaded capture by both the Jedi Masters and the Taris Civil Authority"
      • I was trying to keep it from Jelavan's perspective since she's led to believe that Carrick's responsible. The Jedi Masters know he isn't since they were the ones who actually did it, but I don't want to reveal that until Jelavan finds out the truth. So instead of saying that news channels blamed him for the murders, I've changed it to say that they reported that he had been named by the authorities as the suspect, which should explain why they are after him later. Green Tentacle (Talk) 13:53, 29 March 2008 (UTC)
    • You say he was returned to Taris after being captured, so I'm assuming that he turned himself into the bounty hunter at an external location. Please specify where this happened: "before eventually turning himself in to the bounty hunter Valius Ying"
      • It's a little vague since he basically says he's going to turn himself in and is then back on Taris, without us actually seeing it. But I've changed it to mention that he had fled the planet before turning himself in. Green Tentacle (Talk) 13:53, 29 March 2008 (UTC)
    • Please elaborate on why he was returning to Taris. Was he fighting with the Mandalorians against Taris? I know you specify later that he was attempting to negotiate an alliance, but a greater clarification would help: "When the Jedi Covenant learned that Carrick was returning to Taris,"
    • Minor clausal disagreement here. The singular "Carrick" does not agree with "them." Please reword, preferably, to say Carrick and [whomever]: "Convinced that Carrick was not an immediate threat and that the Resistance needed all the help they could get, the senator agreed to let them"
    • So, Carrick was allowed to stay? Please briefly specify that Jelavan and Tey relented to Goravvus: "Jelavan and Tey both argued that they wanted justice for the Padawan Massacre, but Goravvus insisted that defeating the Mandalorians was their top priority."
    • Please elaborate on why this is so: "Tey was too conspicuous to enter the Tower from the Upper City"
    • This explanation doesn't quite match what you have in the biography section, in which you explain that her seeing Carrick's grief merely led her to strongly doubt his guilt, but that she was finally convinced when Tey confessed. Please clarify: "However, after she was reunited with Carrick, her doubts about his guilt began to grow, until seeing his grief over Shad's death finally convinced her of his innocence." Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:43, 28 March 2008 (UTC)

Comments Approved by Inquisitorius 4:02, 3 April 2008 (UTC)