Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Rasi Tuum

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Rasi Tuum

(4 Inqs/2 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. Only a master of evil, Kasra. Menkooroo 00:29, December 1, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Master Jonathan New Jedi Order (Jedi Council Chambers) 03:59, December 1, 2010 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Nice. 1358 (Talk) 19:38, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:04, January 25, 2011 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 21:01, February 1, 2011 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Green Tentacle (Talk) 22:30, February 5, 2011 (UTC)

Object

From the Council Chambers:
  • Does the source actually saying that Tuum actually hold the rank of Master, or are you just inferring that because he had a Padawan? Note that being called "Master" by his Padawan does not establish that he holds the rank of Master.
    • That's the tricky thing. Everyone who talks to Tuum calls him "Master," and it's not stated anywhere that he's a Knight.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:54, November 30, 2010 (UTC)
  • The bio ends very abruptly, almost like you forgot the end of the story.
  • Otherwise, very well written. Good job. Master Jonathan New Jedi Order (Jedi Council Chambers) 21:07, November 29, 2010 (UTC)
From the Christmas table of Xd
  • "'He and his brothers Ahn and Zho all served the Jedi…" I don't think you can say "served the Jedi"; they didn't serve the Jedi, but the Order. There is a difference.
  • "…with Tuum eventually ascending to the rank of Master." All brothers' surnames are Tuum. Wouldn't it be better to say Rasi to avoid confusion?
  • "At one point, during a mission to the planet Roon, he defended a camp of miners that the pirates Rav and Zareb Syn were attacking." Would it be appropriate to link some mission or battle somewhere in this sentence?
  • Can some military organization be linked in the intro's second-to-last sentence? "…rescue Princess Marasiah Fel from Sith forces above Agamar."
    • All the organizations that can be linked are already linked.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:35, December 29, 2010 (UTC)
  • My first and third objections also apply for the bio.
  • "The Jedi Master managed to survive…" Managed to survive what? The shot? The fall to the surface?
  • Again, in the bio's third paragraph, can some military organization be linked?
    • Everything that need to be linked in that particular paragraph is already there.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:35, December 29, 2010 (UTC)
  • It is not entirely clear that Azlyn Rae had become an Imperial Knight in the bio. Can you make it clearer?
  • "As Tuum began to meditate…" This is rather confusing as you mentioned that Tuum told Rae to meditate in the previous parapraph. Perhaps add a "later" there? Also, can you say where he meditated? In the temple?
    • In the comic, Tuum tells that to Rae as she's leaving, then a minute later, as he's trying to meditate, he's attacked by Syn. So I added "a few moments later."—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:35, December 29, 2010 (UTC)
  • Can you mention that Jariah was a companion of Skywalker, like you say in the intro?
  • I'm seeing some instances of imperfect, while pluperfect should be used. For example, "Tuum recognized his former Padawan Azlyn Rae, who arrived at the Temple with Skywalker" should have a 'had' between "who" and "arrived.", as Rae had arrived before "the sentence takes place". The same applies for "He introduced himself and allowed Syn, who witnessed Tuum kill his father, to…" There might be more instances of this, so I suggest you read through the article and correct these and other eventual instances.
    • Done, thanks for pointing this out. Always happy to receive these suggestions.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:35, December 29, 2010 (UTC)
  • "…traveled to Had Abbadon and seemingly killed the Dark Lord of the Sith." Did the guys themselves think that they killed Krayt? If so, I think something like "thought they had killed" would be better.
  • In the first paragraph of "Ambush on Agamar," can you make it clearer that Calixte actually betrays Krayt? Otherwise it sounds a bit random.
  • "He was also able to sense Princess Marasiah Fel's presence after the battle on Agamar." I don't think "presence" is the right word to use here. Perhaps "location" would be better?
    • Well, the comic specifically says that in regards to her Force presence.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:35, December 29, 2010 (UTC)
  • Doesn't Legacy 0 need a (First pictured) or something like that, per the Bts?
  • And that's all. 1358 (Talk) 15:12, December 26, 2010 (UTC)
    • Thanks very much for the review!—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:35, December 29, 2010 (UTC)
Green Tentacle
  • If File:Legacy49 Formercover.jpg wasn't used on the comic, the source field needs to be properly completed.
    • I used this image in Azlyn Rae as well, so I've gone ahead and added the sources. Hope that's OK. Menkooroo 04:46, January 29, 2011 (UTC)
  • Intro: First two sentences are a little repetitive, specifically serving the Jedi Order and being a Jedi Master. Could try something along the lines of "Rasi Tuum was a Cathar male who, along with his brothers, Ahn and Zho, served the Jedi Order during the Sith–Imperial War and Second Imperial Civil War. Eventually ascending to the rank of Master, Tuum took the Human female…"
    • Please try it.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 17:33, February 2, 2011 (UTC)
      • Better, but "along with his brothers Ahn and Zho, served the Jedi Order as a Master" implies all three were Jedi Masters. If that's not the case, then you'd be better off losing the reference to Master there, since it's mentioned in the next sentence anyway. Green Tentacle (Talk) 21:25, February 2, 2011 (UTC)
  • Early life: "After Tuum used his lightsaber to cut off Rav's right leg, Syn stabbed him in the back, causing both the Jedi Master and the pirate to fall off the ship's loading ramp." Ok, it's not clear which "him" Syn stabbed or which pirate ended up off the ramp with him. Also, the comic shows Syn grabbing Tuum from behind and holding his blade back in his other hand, but doesn't show him stab the Jedi.
  • Confrontation with Jariah Syn: "He introduced himself and allowed Syn, who had witnessed Tuum kill his father, to tell his version of the events of his father's death." Introduced himself, though accurate, doesn't quite seem to fit in with the whole fight thing. Also, it's a bit heavy on the dead dad part. I'd suggest something like "Inquiring as to the identity of his attacker, Tuum allowed Syn, who had witnessed the Jedi kill his father, to tell his version of events." Green Tentacle (Talk) 20:43, January 26, 2011 (UTC)
    • Took your suggestion, and thanks for the review.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 17:33, February 2, 2011 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 22:30, February 5, 2011 (UTC)

  • Many thanks to Menkooroo for the extensive copy-edit and review.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 17:03, November 29, 2010 (UTC)
  • Can you check if this edit is valid? 1358 (Talk) 12:48, January 26, 2011 (UTC)
    • I can confirm that it is. Menkooroo 12:59, January 26, 2011 (UTC)
  • Yo Menk, thanks for holding me down on this nom, college stuff has been getting to me.—Jedi Kasra (comlink) 17:33, February 2, 2011 (UTC)