Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Maketh Tua

< Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations
The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Maketh Tua

  • Nominated by: The Brave Goldfish (talk)
  • Nomination comments:I really liked her. Too bad she died so soon, she had a great potential.

(0 Inqs/2 Users/2 Total)

(Votes required: 3 Inqvotes required to reach minimum. Additional 2 user or 1 Inq vote required to pass.)

Support

Tommy-Macaroni Imperial Emblem (Talk) 18:05, October 16, 2016 (UTC)
  1. Shayn Mikel (talk) 16:01, October 19, 2016 (UTC)
  2. Harshg (talk) 09:12, November 23, 2016 (UTC)

Object

Clone

As an initial note, it seems you have nominated this without making any major prior contributions or even general edits. It's fine for someone to work on an article for a character they like, but to simply nominate an article if it isn't ready because they liked a character (Without working on it prior) isn't a great idea, since, well, the article isn't ready yet. It's in a similar vein to not simply vote on an article because they/you simply like a character/subject.

Intro
  • I'm not certain the first sentence in the intro needs to be separate from the following paragraph. As such, I'd advise including it as a part of the second paragraph. Some rewording may be needed to make it work.
  • The entire intro needs dates added to where it'd be appropriate. Namely, the show begins in 5 BBY and she dies in 4 BBY. In addition, for the infobox (And later in the main body) those dates may need more accurate sourcing, as the episodes themselves do not have exact dates posted. It's okay to stipulate a date from deductive reasoning based on facts and what we know of the timeline (Such as Source A says Episode A took place X years before Event A. Source B says Event A took place in year Y. Using simple math, it can be deduced that Event A took place in year Z).
  • General linking should be improved upon. Governor, for starters.
  • Although the word Imperial is used early in the intro, it isn't linked. Also, while we can assume this means the Galactic Empire, it's unclear until much later in the article. Tua's affiliation should be mentioned earlier and more plainly.
  • The last two sentences aren't very well written at all, and lack linking. The "Rebel" could also probably be mentioned by name. A little more detail could also be added to this part, though not everything, obviously. Her contacting Jho could maybe be mentioned, but that could be left up to your discretion.

So, I think I'd like to see some of these addressed before going through the rest of it, for now. --Clonehunter(Report your W.M.D.) 03:14, February 19, 2017 (UTC)

Sol Pacificus
Introduction
  • Several things about the first sentence. Generally "who" is preferable to "that". She should also be introduced not just as a graduate from the Imperial Academy and as just a human female from Lothal, but in the role we know her by the most: the Minister of Lothal. This should be clear and explicit. Finally, this sentence should not be awkwardly detached from the introductory paragraph like it is at the moment.
  • The Spectres should be mentioned by name in the introduction, and not referred to as merely a growing "rebellion". They should be mentioned explicitly by name, that they are a fostering rebellion, but only a cell.
  • The wording of the introduction makes it unclear that the rebellion that she was confronted by on Lothal was only a cell. "...she was unable to discover the whereabouts of the cell" is the first mention of the opposition being specifically a rebel cell in the introduction, but it mentions it as though it is already clear (or has already been introduced) that it's a rebel cell when it has not. This can cause confusion because the previous sentences refers to a growing rebellion in general and rebels in general, with no indication of its scope, so an unfamiliar reader might be confused at the mention of suddenly tracking "the cell" or a specific cell, without realizing the cell is the entire rebellion on Lothal.
  • There's a major factual error at the end of the introduction. It mentions that the cell attacked Tua's shuttle, when in reality, they were responsible for escorting her to it safely to transport her offworld. It also does not provide the context behind the explosion of the shuttle that kills her and makes it sounds as though the rebels are responsible for it. It should be clear that the Empire had rigged the explosives.
  • Why is Ezra Bridger's name hidden as just "a rebel"? It should not be. Moreover, in correcting the factual error above, escorting Tua to the shuttle shouldn't be attributed to Ezra alone, but the entire cell.
  • The introduction should also mention that orchestrating Tua's death allowed Vader to implicate the rebel cell for her murder.
Body
  • "...she had brought C-3PO along due to his vast knowledge of languages."
I think this line is better worded as "she had brought C-3PO along as a translator" or "as an interpreter". The way it is currently worded makes it sound more as though his vast array of languages may be incidental whereas he's a protocal droid designed to serve as a translator.
  • The article needs to be consistent with whether it means to portray strictly from Tua's perspective, such that it's not revealed who the Spectres are until later, or from an omniscient perspective following Tua's narrative. For instance, if choosing the latter, it should be made clear that the passengers of the ST-45 shuttle are all members of a rebel cell in Lothal unbeknownst to Tua.
  • In that same paragraph, when Kanan Jarrus is first introduced, it should be explained who he is. If the direction of this article is to portray it more strictly from Maketh Tua's perspective, he should, as Ezra was, be described as also another passenger. Sabine Wren is also introduced like the audience should already know who she is. Context should be given to briefly describe who she is, and it should not be assumed that the audience already knows her, nor Kanan.
  • "Kallus stated that the Inquisitor was too focused on capturing the Jedi and stated that by targeting the rebels as a group."
Two related issues with this sentence. In general, try to avoid narrating so exactly that you're essentially describing what characters said one after another. I think it's okay to say "Kallus responded", but using the word "state" tends to make it very obvious that the writer is awkwardly transcribing exact dialogue into the writing. Often, you can do away with using verbs like "state" or "said" altogether by describing a character's thoughts, ideas, or actions more directly. Let me know if this is too confusing.
  • "Though Kallus was only somewhat unsettled at the execution, Tua was downright horrified by this observation as Aresko and Grint, though incompetent, were loyal and respectful members of the Empire, barely suppressing a scream of horror."
"Observation" sounds awkward and misplaced here. It should be replaced with "scene" or "spectacle" or some other more fitting alternative. A grammatical error with "...barely suppressing a scream of horror"; the way it is written and placed means that this refers to Aresko and Grint rather than Tua herself.
  • The quotes are too lengthy and should be cut down. I don't think you should be including entire dialogue running more than 3 lines. Things like "[clears throat]"—and I do not know the technical term for this—should not be included at all.
  • Moreover, some of the writing goes too far in narrating the entire sequence of dialogue she has, for instance, with Tarkin. "Tua couldn't manage a retort and merely choked out an awkward cough of agreement with Tarkin's assessment of her." It's fine to summarize how Tua felt about Tarkin's reproach, but you shouldn't be going into such minute details like describing her exact response down to manners of expression. It's especially unnecessary if you're going to have the entire dialogue up as quotes anyways, though that should be cut down.
  • "Tua apparently discovered the Emperor's true intentions for Lothal which pushed her over the edge and finally made her realize that her beloved Empire was not the perfect and benevolent government she had genuinely believed it to be."
Is there a source that expressly describes this to be her train of thought when she defected? When I watched the episode, this isn't clear. What's clear is that she feared for her life. While she totally might've been horrified by the Empire, there are plenty of people both in fiction and real-life who have defected from evil organizations not so much because they are truly revolted by their brutality but simply for fear of their lives.
  • The last paragraph before the "Legacy" section, leading up to her death, needs to note the Spectres' presence in that scene, having already reached her as part of their mission to help her. It mentions Kanan Jarrus, but it should mention the others as well.
  • As exact dates as possible should be mentioned or the events in her biography, such as 5 BBY or 4 BBY.

Sorry if this is too overwhelming. I think overall, it is still a pretty good article. I actually quite like the "Personality" section and find it comprehensive and well-written. :) Sol PacificusFirestorm 07:35, April 4, 2017 (UTC)

Lewisr

Tua is in the Thrawn novel so you'll have to update that into the article. --Lewisr (talk) 16:01, April 11, 2017 (UTC)

Comments

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)

  1. Inqvote Unaddressed objections over three weeks old. Supreme Emperor (talk) 04:33, May 6, 2017 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 04:47, May 6, 2017 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Exiled Jedi (talk) 11:47, May 20, 2017 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Green Tentacle (Talk) 19:11, May 22, 2017 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote -- Darth Culator (Talk) 23:08, August 27, 2017 (UTC)