Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Attack on the Endar Spire

< Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations
The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Attack on the Endar Spire

(1 Inqs/1 Users/2 Total/INQCON 3)

Support

  1. Excellent job. Well done.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 18:13, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote—Tommy9281 Dark side Master SWGTCG (No truth in me) 15:27, September 11, 2009 (UTC)

Object

  1. It's good, but...
    • All instances of "Master" should be capitilized.
    • After you mention "Bastila Shan" the first time, all references to her should be made with her surname.
    • After fighting their way to the bridge, Revan and Ulgo found it devoid of Republic soldiers. Overran by the Sith, a group of Sith soldiers attacked the pair. Fending them off, they received word from Onasi that Shan had escaped in an escape pod. Didn't Revan receive this message from Onasi after Ulgo distracted Bandon?
    • With Brejik dead, the trio returned to Onasi and Revan’s base of operations. When you play the game, only Revan and Shan return to the hideout, and Onasi goes, "Bastila, you're alive" and so forth.
    • Take care of these, and I'll be happy to support the article.--Jedi Kasra (talk) 14:59, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
  2. From the Moffship of Grand Moff Tranner:
    • "Attacking it with squadrons of Sith fighters, Darth Bandon, Malak's apprentice, led a boarding party of Sith troopers and Dark Jedi onto the Endar Spire." - did Bandon lead the fighter attack? If not, this sentence should be broken up or reworded.
    • "Revan, reaching Onasi and the final escape pod, escaped from the ship with the others who had reached the escape pods." - too many forms of "escape." Please substitute.
    • "...Malak aimed to pull the Endar Spire out of hyperspace and attack it with his forces. When the Leviathan pulled the Endar Spire out of hyperspace, the Sith fleet attacked." - too much repetition.
    • "...in an attempt to capture Shan alive so that the Sith Empire could use her battle meditation ability." - how would capturing Bastila allow the Sith Empire to use her battle meditation?
      • Addressed. --Darth tom Imperial Emblem (Imperial Intelligence) 20:55, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
        • It's still not clear how they would be able to use her ability. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 15:11, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
          • Added. --Darth tom Imperial Emblem (Imperial Intelligence) 17:48, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
            • You misunderstood me here - I'm not asking for context on battle mediation; I'm asking for you to clarify how turning Bastila to the dark side would allow the Sith to use her ability. Would she then use it willingly, or would the Sith have to do something else? Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 15:09, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
    • "Former Sith Lord and Sith Master of Darth Malak, the amnesiac Revan, was serving as a newly recruited soldier for the Republic." - you need to briefly explain how Revan came to be on the Endar Spire here.
    • The transition from Bastila's ability to Revan being aboard the Endar Spire is very sudden. Plus, you mention that Revan awoke when the battle started, but then you state that Ulgo woke him. Which is it? Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 15:11, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
      • Okay. --Darth tom Imperial Emblem (Imperial Intelligence) 17:48, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
        • Still no good. I'd mention Revan in the prelude, and it would be there that I'd give the details on how he came to be on the ship. Where it is now makes little sense. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 15:09, 21 June 2009 (UTC)
    • "The Sith troops who had boarded had engaged the Republic, the Jedi fighting Malak's Dark Jedi and the soldiers from both factions engaging in combat." - this is a bit awkward; please reword or even split it up.
    • "The Sith troops who had boarded had engaged the Republic." - seems a bit unnecessary on its own; please merge with the following sentence. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 15:11, 20 June 2009 (UTC)
    • "The Sith fleet, not wishing to kill Shan, did not direct firepower that would destroy the ship against the Endar Spire." - "destroy the ship against the Endar Spire"? What?
    • "...they knew Shan would be attempting to escape in an escape pod." - like one above, you should substituted "escape" with something else.
    • "In order to save Revan ... the Sith fleet destroyed the Endar Spire." - this entire paragraph is filled with way too many "escape"s and "escaped"s. Please find some appropriate synonyms to use.
    • Lastly, in the Aftermath section, I think you should occasionally use pronouns and other terms (like "the Jedi") when referring to Bastila. There are an awful lot of "Shan"s as-is. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 20:13, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
  3. The Aftermath section is unnecessarily large. It needs to be pared down. As it is, this article feels very labored and drawn out. If properly concise, I doubt it would pass the 1,000 word mark... --Eyrezer 13:33, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
  4. There should also be a lead quote, too. --Eyrezer 13:35, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
  5. Attack from the Anvil-class Star Destroyer:

Comments

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)

  1. Inqvote If I'm not mistake, objections remaining from over a month ago, and it's extremely lagging. CC7567 (talk) 02:08, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Willing to strike this if the nominator contacts Tranner and gets this going again. Chack Jadson (Talk) 02:13, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
    • I would like to note that DT has recently been in contact with me, and he said he would fix my objections, but this has yet to be done. I'm going to wait a bit before voting to remove. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 12:25, 14 August 2009 (UTC)
      • Apologies; there were a number of objections I believed I'd fixed when I, in actual fact, hadn't. Either way, they're addressed now. --Darth tom Imperial Emblem (Imperial Intelligence) 13:06, 17 August 2009 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote More than a few objections appear to be over a month stale, and those that aren't seem to have likewise fallen idle anyway. Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:59, September 8, 2009 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 20:10, September 23, 2009 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote There are a number of objections here from the 21st June, if I'm reading correctly. That's unacceptable. -- —Harrar (Cut the comm chatter) 14:36, September 24, 2009 (UTC)