Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Unidentified nurse (Coruscant)

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Unidentified nurse (Coruscant)

(4 ACs/1 Users/5 Total)

Support

  1. ACvote Kilson(Let's have a chat) 06:22, July 26, 2011 (UTC)
  2. Good work, Cal.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 17:06, August 1, 2011 (UTC)
  3. ACvote Cavalier OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 10:49, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
  4. ACvote CC7567 (talk) 03:17, September 9, 2011 (UTC)
  5. ACvote Pleasantly familiar.—Tommy 9281 Sunday, September 18, 2011, 03:53 UTC

Object

Kilson
  • Please reload the infobox
    • Done.
  • The first sentence of the Bio is a bit of a run-on. Please try cutting it into two separate sentences to make it read better.
    • Try that.
  • "When he asked her if she would have still help Daru if she would have known. She boldly replied that they were not savages and still would have helped her." It sounds as if you intended for these these two sentences to actually be one. Please be more careful about this in the future. Also, try to cut down on the excessive pronouns; replace one or two of the "shes" with "the nurse" or something along those lines.
    • Yea, my mistake. Fixed. On the part about the pronouns, I've had users complain on some of my other noms that I don't use enough pronouns. So, I guess I just got carried away. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 22:10, July 23, 2011 (UTC)
      • I understand. When you first start writing, it's hard to find the middle ground with pronouns and other grammatical tools of that nature. This will improve over time. Also, in the future, try not to say, "this nurse" but instead say "the nurse" because that sounds more encyclopedic. Kilson(Let's have a chat) 05:02, July 25, 2011 (UTC)
        • OK.
  • In the P&t, "She also had the courage to warn another Tal that Malgus was Sith." I didn't read the novel, but I don't see how you can say warning Tal was courageous. Could you explain this to me?
    • Hmmm, I guess you're right. Removed from P&T.
  • Overall, there were a number of small errors and linking issues. I fixed a number of them, but please go back and give the article a good copy edit before I re-review. Kilson(Let's have a chat) 21:29, July 23, 2011 (UTC)
  • "When he asked the nurse if she would still have helped Daru had she known this fact, the nurse boldly replied that they were not savages and still would have helped the Twi'lek." Who is they, please clarify this.
    • Try that.
  • It would be good to mention Deceived release date in the Bts.
    • Fixed.
  • Otherwise, good work. Please look through my edits to see the small grammatical mistakes you missed. However Cal, I have seen an improvement in your writing, and I commend you on that. Kilson(Let's have a chat) 05:02, July 25, 2011 (UTC)
Toprawa
  • Not really pleased with the way the context for the Sacking of Coruscant is presented in this sentence. The secondary clause just sort of drops in the reference of the "attack on the Jedi Temple" like we're just assuming that everyone knows what the Sacking of Coruscant is, and that that description is meant to correspond to the Sacking. Rather, don't assume the reader necessarily knows anything, and provide proper and clear context for everything. I would recommend wording it similar to something like "Shortly after the Sacking of Coruscant, a Sith attack on the Jedi Temple on Coruscant in [whatever year]..." and then proceed from there: "Shortly after the Sacking of Coruscant, she took Darth Malgus, a Sith Lord who had taken part in the attack on the Jedi Temple..." Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:16, July 26, 2011 (UTC)
    • See if that works any better. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 21:04, July 26, 2011 (UTC)
      • I was referring to the sentence in the intro corresponding to the quoted text example I left for you. Toprawa and Ralltiir 21:06, July 26, 2011 (UTC)
        • Oh, try that now. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 22:55, July 26, 2011 (UTC)
          • Sorry to interrupt, but this objection was replied to over twenty days ago, and no reply has been given.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 12:26, August 16, 2011 (UTC)
            • Thanks for noticing EJ. I talked to Tope on the IRC a while back, and he said he'd take a look at it as soon as possible. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 15:28, August 19, 2011 (UTC)
              • Um, a little reminder to Tope, hoping he'll get it here, this objection has just sat here for a long time. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 13:12, September 1, 2011 (UTC)
Exiled Jedi
  • The first two sentences in the introduction start in exactly the same way, please reword one of them.
    • Try that.
  • This sentence reads rather strangly: "After demanding that someone take Malgus to his lover, the nurse volunteered to do so." I'm guessing Malgus demanded to see his lover, but this makes it sound like someone else demanded that Malgus see his lover. Please reword.
    • Hmm, I see what you mean. Try that.
  • This doesn't sound quite right: "The nurse was a heavyset woman; indeed, Darth Malgus thought..." It seems to me that this doesn't sound right for an encyclopedia entry. The "indeed" connecting the two sentences reads more like a novel or story, please reword this in some way.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 16:03, July 31, 2011 (UTC)
    • Actually, I didn't write it like that. Someone else must have changed it. I thought it sounded not quite right, but I thought maybe it was just me, so I hadn't change it. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 02:21, August 1, 2011 (UTC)
Cav
  • Intro: Shortly after the Sacking of Coruscant, a Sith attack on the Jedi Temple on Coruscant in 3,653 BBY, she took a Sith Lord named Darth Malgus who had taken part in the battle, to see his Twi'lek lover—Eleena Daru—who was in the medical facility at the time. This is a run-on sentence and does not flow well. Please break up into two sentences and rewrite as appropriate.
    • Try that.
  • Bio: Shortly after the Sacking of Coruscant, a Sith attack on the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, - as I understand it, the Sacking wasn't limited to just the Temple. Rewording this to include the fact that the Sacking was on a larger scale and included the attack on the Temple is needed.
    • Fixed.
      • Unfortunately, your revisions have made two more errors:
  • Mention should be made that the Sith were occupying the planet at the time waiting on the outcome of the Alderaan peace negotiations.
    • Done.
  • Mention should be made of the reason Daru was there - that she had been denied treatment at an Imperial facility since she was an alien if I recall correctly. - Cavalier OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 13:54, August 12, 2011 (UTC)
Attack of the Clone
  • "While the nurse took Malgus to Daru, she told him that she did not realize at first that Daru was Imperial. When he asked the nurse if she would still have helped Daru had she known this fact, the nurse boldly replied that the staff of the medical facility were not savages and still would have helped the Twi'lek." All of this dialogue doesn't seem directly relevant to the nurse's Biography. We normally try to condense dialogue in Bio sections, as we save dialogue and any relevant to be mentioned in the P&T. In this case, the dialogue gets too play-by-play, so please either condense it or remove it from this section. You could even see if you could move some of the info to the P&T itself.
    • Check that out. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 15:55, September 5, 2011 (UTC)
      • I'd still suggest adding some of this to the P&T. The fact that she "treated patients regardless of species or affiliation" is a valuable trait in doctors, and it's definitely noteworthy in the article. CC7567 (talk) 18:21, September 5, 2011 (UTC)
  • Please try to pay more attention to linking. Articles must be linked upon their first mention in the infobox, intro, and body, and the linking was rather inconsistent in the article. If you're not sure if a subject has an article on the site, you can always use Special:Search to find out. Linking is probably the easiest part of writing articles, if enough attention is paid to it. CC7567 (talk) 03:40, September 5, 2011 (UTC)

Comments


  • Please don't list any objections about the second reference here. It is currently being discussed here. When it is resolved, I will change it. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 20:03, July 20, 2011 (UTC)
  • Is there something we can do about Tope's objections? I responded to them quite a while ago, asked him about it on the IRC, and left a message on his talk page reminding him. But, he still hasn't responded. Cal JediInfinite Empire (Personal Comm Channel) 12:33, September 9, 2011 (UTC)