Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Skirmish in the Qulun camp

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Skirmish in the Qulun camp

  • Nominated by: Supreme Emperor (talk) 03:55, January 30, 2013 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments:My second nom, part of Project Novels

(5 ACs/1 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. ACvote IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 04:29, February 23, 2013 (UTC)
  2. ACvote 1358 (Talk) 17:48, March 6, 2013 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Cade Calrayn GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit 17:08, March 12, 2013 (UTC)
  4. ACvote MasterFredCommerce Guild(Whatever) 04:03, March 16, 2013 (UTC)
  5. —Jedi Kasra ("Indeed.") 18:12, March 19, 2013 (UTC)
  6. ACvote Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 19:58, March 19, 2013 (UTC)

Object

Floyd
  • Seeing pretty major linking issues.
  • Can we get an article for the Qulun camp?
    • Done
  • Context on the Qulun.
    • Added a bit into the intro and prelude.
  • In the intro, there has to be some context on the Jedi mission.
    • How does that look?
  • Context on Tooqui in the intro.
    • Something like that?
  • Context on Baiuntu and the Shanhs.
    • Done
  • Context on Cuipernam.
    • Done
  • The first sentence of Prelude rambles on too long and needs to be split up.
  • No quotes for any of the body sections?
    • Done
  • Context on Lorqual.
  • When combatants are killed in a battle, crosses (†) should be placed next to their names in the infobox.
  • Context on the Borokii, the Januul and that whole situation.
  • Nothing about Cuipernam is mentioned in the body. In the intro you say "as a reward was promised to those who delayed the offworlders return to Cuipernam."
    • Added in it was the capital city of ansion. Supreme Emperor (talk) 04:03, February 10, 2013 (UTC)
  • This article needs a lot of work. Linking and context are subpar and need to be fixed. Take care of these and I'll give it another look. IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 02:55, February 5, 2013 (UTC)
  • Intro: Who offered the reward for delaying their return to Cuipernam?
    • Added
  • In addition, that sentence rambles on a little long and needs to be split up.
    • Split
  • The Qulun camp probably shouldn't be referred to as "the Qulun camp" when it is first introduced. Is it the only Qulun camp?
    • changed to a Qulun camp
  • "This was due to the fact it lay at the heart of several treaties, meaning if Ansion seceded, many other worlds would have to secede due to treaties." Treaties used twice in the same sentence. Try to avoid this type of repetition.
    • Removed second use of treaties
  • Is it correct to say in the infobox that Baiuntu died in the skirmish? According to the body, it seems that he dies in a minor fight some time afterward. IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 23:15, February 19, 2013 (UTC)
Ecks Dee
  • "A skirmish took place in 22 BBY in a Qulun camp during the mission to the planet Ansion." What mission? You're making it sound like the reader already knows what mission you're talking about. If the mission has a canonical title, you could use that. Otherwise, changing the "the" to "a" should suffice.
    • Changed to a
  • You're not linking Mission to Ansion at all in the body. Find a place for it.
    • Linked
  • "To achieve this […] In order to do this". Having two consecutive sentences starting with similar clauses is rather discouraged. Please reword.
    • Reworded
  • "While showing them around the camp, they were drugged while sampling Paluruvu, an extract containing a powerful sedative." The presence of two "whiles" in this sentence makes it rather awkward. Reword.
    • Reworded
  • "Though the sentries were able to stop a few of the animals, the rest reached the camp." Again, it reads as if the reader should already know what sentries you are talking about. You could rephrase the sentence to focus more on the animals, i.e. something like "Some animals were stopped by sentries...".
    • Rephrased
  • I'll have another look once these are addressed. The linking was still rather lacking, though I believe I've corrected most of it. Please make sure it's up to standards while you fix the objections. 1358 (Talk) 23:17, March 1, 2013 (UTC)
    • Think they're all good, i'll double check it tonight to make sure none were missed. Supreme Emperor (talk) 21:19, March 2, 2013 (UTC)
      • Should all be good. Supreme Emperor (talk) 05:47, March 5, 2013 (UTC)
        • I still corrected quite a few links. Please, in future articles, go over the article a few more times to ensure the linking is properly done. Thanks. 1358 (Talk) 17:48, March 6, 2013 (UTC)
Cadeth
  • "Cuipernam, capital city of Ansion, until..." - I'd add a "the" before capital city both here and in the prelude.
    • Done
  • "who had previously escaped" - escaped from the Qulun camp?
    • Expanded
  • I'd make the numbers in the infobox into numerals, not words.
    • Done
  • A little context on the Separatist Crisis?
    • Added
  • Try this for the first paragraph - "Four Jedi—the Jedi Master Luminara Unduli, the Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi, and their Padawans Barriss Offee and Anakin Skywalker—were dispatchted..."
    • Changed
  • You don't give any context on the Alwari the first time they're mentioned, and they're not linked until later on.
    • Done and linked
  • Link to the Qulun camp in the prelude.
    • Linked
  • "As Baiuntu showed them around the camp, they were drugged..." - replace the "they" with "the Jedi" or something similarly.
    • How's that?
  • You repeat "to free his companions" at the end of the prelude and the beginning of "The skirmish". Change one of these.
  • I'll continue tomorrow, I've got to finish this discrete homework. Cade Calrayn GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit 04:44, March 7, 2013 (UTC)
  • "a plot led by" - a plot to do what?
    • How is it now?
  • "massive animals used by the Qulun" for what?
  • And I'm done. Good work. Cade Calrayn GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit 19:57, March 8, 2013 (UTC)
Fred strikes
  • The first sentence of "Prelude" currently states that Shu Mai is the leader of the Republic. This needs to be reworded to show that Mai is the leader of the plot.
    • Reworded
      • Keep it in one sentence. I'm thinking something along the lines of "plot, led by president of the Commerce Guild Shu Mai, to have it..." MasterFredCommerce Guild(Whatever) 22:12, March 13, 2013 (UTC)
        • How's it look now?
          • Perfecto.
  • I'd say split the "Prelude" section into two paragraphs.
    • Split
  • Just a tip for the future: "toward," "forward," "backward," "afterward," and pretty much any -ward word should not have "s" at the end. "Towards" is wrong. "Toward" is correct. MasterFredCommerce Guild(Whatever) 21:46, March 12, 2013 (UTC)
Toprawa
  • I've performed some heavy revisions to the intro to cut down on unnecessary wordiness and context to keep that section from becoming too bloated, since I think it was getting a little detail-heavy. Is this last sentence strictly necessary for the intro? It seems like it could certainly be cut out in the interest of keeping the intro focused only on the skirmish: "Shortly after their escape, Baiuntu, chief trader for the clan, was killed by Shanhs, predatory animals native to Ansion." Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 16:59, March 13, 2013 (UTC)
    • I would like to keep that line in because that's where I feel the skirmish ends. Supreme Emperor (talk) 01:34, March 14, 2013 (UTC)
  • The overuse of the word "they" here begins to muddle up the meaning of this sentence, particularly the last clause, "they were later joied by." Who is they here? The Jedi? Please specify: "To that end, they sought out the Borokii, the most powerful overclan of the Alwari, and they were later joined by Kyakhta and Bulgan, two clanless Ansionian males." Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 20:10, March 18, 2013 (UTC)
    • Reworded some of it, how does it look now? Supreme Emperor (talk) 18:29, March 19, 2013 (UTC)
      • Yes, that's better, but now that you've added the passing mention of Offee's kidnapping, that completely changes the dynamic of the entire rest of the article. It raises many unresolved questions. Where is Offee during the rest of the events? Is she being held along with the other Jedi, who are later drugged and captured? Does she escape along with them? By adding this mention of Offee being kidnapped separately, it effectively separates her from the rest of the events being described in this article. This needs to be reconciled somehow to explain how she, I'm assuming, eventually meets up with the rest of her group. Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 18:45, March 19, 2013 (UTC)
        • I reworded that section a bit, does it look a bit better or does it still need some tweaking? Supreme Emperor (talk) 18:53, March 19, 2013 (UTC)
          • Before I even begin read through this, I notice punctuation and double linking issues with this new change. Please fix. Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 18:55, March 19, 2013 (UTC)
            • Oops, think it's fixed :P Also reworded a bit more to give some context about when the kidnapping happened, and when she was released and reunited with the group. Supreme Emperor (talk) 19:18, March 19, 2013 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 19:58, March 19, 2013 (UTC)


Not sure how much to put in the prelude for this one. Any suggestions appreciated. Supreme Emperor (talk) 03:31, January 31, 2013 (UTC)

  • Small note, should be able to finish off these current objections either tomorrow or the next day, apologies for the delays. Supreme Emperor (talk) 03:50, February 15, 2013 (UTC)