Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Skirmish in Dramath the Second's tomb

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Skirmish in Dramath the Second's tomb

(4 ACs/3 Users/7 Total)

Support

  1. ACvote Sir Cavalier of OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 09:13, March 15, 2013 (UTC)
  2. Nicely done. Supreme Emperor (talk) 15:00, March 15, 2013 (UTC)
  3. ACvote JangFett (Talk) 14:46, March 29, 2013 (UTC)
  4. Provided Tope's and CC-8's objections are satisfied.—Jedi Kasra ("Indeed.") 22:39, March 29, 2013 (UTC)
  5. Canderous kills his wife for wanting him to rejoin the Mandalorians and then he becomes Mandalore?? Commander Code-8 G'day, mate 06:05, April 1, 2013 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Cade GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Calrayn 03:14, April 21, 2013 (UTC)
  7. ACvote Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 01:49, April 26, 2013 (UTC)

Object

  • Expand the intro.
    • Taken care of.
      • What exactly do Veela and Canderous disagree on in terms of leadership? Why is she confronting him about it? Also, what is this truth that Revan tells Canderous, and how is this truth relevant to the skirmish?
        • Expanded the disagreement and expaded the truth. It has nothing to do with the skirmish but Revan tells Canderous about it the very next day so I consider it relevant. Can be removed if you think otherwise.
  • Some missing commas in the "Prelude" section.
    • Taken care of.
  • What are Mandalorian clans? Same with Mandalorian Wars, Mandalore's Mask, and Clan Ordo. Where is Rekkiad located in the galaxy? Who are Canderous Ordo and Dramath the Second?
    • Taken care of.
      • Good except no context on Clan Ordo. Also, you linked Mandalorian twice. I've removed the second link. Be careful of overlinking. It's a problem I have too. :P And finally, context on the Twin Spears. Fix those and that should be it for "Prelude." And check my edits to see the changes I'm making. Remember them so you can fix them in later nominations. MasterFredCommerce Guild(Whatever) 20:47, February 4, 2013 (UTC)
        • Taken care of and my bad.
  • Much more to come later. The entire "Skirmish" section needs tons of work. MasterFredCommerce Guild(Whatever) 05:32, January 26, 2013 (UTC)
Cav
  • When using the quote template with two speakers, some coding is required around the <br /> to format it correctly. I've corrected it in the article in this edit, but please bear it in mind for future nominations.
    • My bad totally forgot about that.
  • If the name of the article is conjectural, then Skirmish in Dramath the Second's tomb shouldn't be bolded in that way. It should just be "a skirmish took place in Dramath the Second's tomb on the Outer Rim planet Rekkiad."
    • Taken care of.
  • "ambushed Jedi Master Revan" - correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought Revan left the Order? So would calling him a Jedi Master be incorrect?
    • He never left the Order in any capacity as far as I know. He's still considered a Jedi in good standing by the Order.
  • The intro should probably state why Revan and Ordo are in the tomb in the first place.
    • Added a sentence explaining why they're in the tomb.
  • In 3,954 BBY, the surviving Mandalorian clans—a Mandalorian organization made up of Mandalorian warriors—left over from the Mandalorian Wars between the Mandalorians and the Galactic Republic, gathered on the planet Rekkiad located in the Outer Rim Territories to search for Mandalore's Mask, an ancient ceremonial war mask. - that's an awful lot of Mandalorians. Can you change some or cut some out to avoid the mass repetition?
  • After Revan and Canderous opened Dramath's sarcophagus and found Mandalore's mask, they were ambushed by his wife Veela Ordo and five other Mandalorians. - who's wife is Veela? true, it says Veela Ordo but the current sentence structure makes it read as if Veela is Mandalore's wife.
    • Taken care of.
  • First two paragraphs of the Skirmish section are unreffed.
    • Whoops, taken care of.
  • Revan blocked and redirected the first volley of shots back into the original two shooters and clipped Veela's shoulder with one shot. - with what?
    • Identified.
  • After the skirmish Revan told Canderous the next day about how the Mandalorian Wars truly began. Of how Mandalore the Ultimate was tricked by an emissary of the hidden Sith Empire into invading the Republic. - a little more detail here is needed. Also, since Canderous retrieved the mask and eventually became Mandalore , that should be mentioned and appropriately referenced. Also, the start of the second sentence appears to be missing a word or two.
    • Expanded but may be a little too big. Let me know if you want it cut down.
      • I pulled a little out of it, but the tense was off mixing present and past. I've corrected a lot, but please go through and recheck that you're using the correct tense. - Sir Cavalier of OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 15:37, February 26, 2013 (UTC)
  • There is multiple first name use of "Canderous" and "Veela". While they share a surname, at least one of them, preferably Canderous, should be refered to as "Ordo" throughout. - Sir Cavalier of OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 12:38, February 21, 2013 (UTC)
The Emperor

Could you add the date into the intro?Supreme Emperor (talk) 15:31, March 2, 2013 (UTC)

"confronting them about Revan's identity and about how Ordo should lead Clan Ordo." Could you reword this a bit, maybe something like "how they believed that Ordo should lead clan Ordo?

  • Reworded.

Could you add a little context to the last line of the intro? Maybe a mention of how the sith were behind the invasion?

  • Taken care of.

In the prelude "left over from the Mandalorian Wars against the Galactic Republic" could you add a bit more context about the war itself?

  • Added more context.

If possible, could you add a bit of context about what Revan saw in his vision?

  • Added context and corrected it to memory. I re-read that section and discovered I had mistaken his memory for a force vision. DarthRevan1173 Revan Headshot (Long live Lord Revan) 21:23, March 12, 2013 (UTC)

I'll check back when these are done, otherwise nice work. Supreme Emperor (talk) 04:53, March 12, 2013 (UTC)

Looks good, got my vote. Supreme Emperor (talk) 15:00, March 15, 2013 (UTC)

Jangeth
  • Could you insert an image somewhere that is related to the text?
    • Added three images that relate to the text.
  • Let's find a way to properly utilize the {{Tl|DEFAULTSORT}} tag for the category. JangFett (Talk) 15:37, March 15, 2013 (UTC)
    • Not exactly sure what to do properly utilize Defaulsort. You have any suggestions? DarthRevan1173 Revan Headshot (Long live Lord Revan) 17:26, March 15, 2013 (UTC)
      • See here, Revan. Remember, articles with status serve as good references when wondering how to do something. Winterz (talk) 00:52, March 18, 2013 (UTC)
Toprawa
  • If there are three speakers in the intro quote as there appears to be, that needs to use the Dialogue template, not the Quote template, per policy. Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 06:10, March 22, 2013 (UTC)
    • There is only two speakers Canderous and Veela. Veela is basically ordering Revan to put the mask down while Canderous is asking what she's doing.
  • I find the last part of this sentence to be rather confusing, specifically how the location of Mandalore's mask translates into finding this tomb. It seems to me that this is being written with the assumption that the reader knows already what is being discussed here. Remember to always give proper context, never assuming that the reader knows anything. See if you can clarify this at all while adding as little additional text as possible: "had been led to the tomb by Revan's memories revealing the location of the mask of Mandalore." Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 06:19, March 22, 2013 (UTC)
  • The article alternates between referring to Mandalore's mask as "the Mask" and "the mask." Please determine which one is most correct and stick with it throughout for consistency.
    • Changed.
  • This sentence has some issues. Firstly, it's literally saying that Revan and Malak defeated Mandalore the Ultimate, which doesn't seem to be the case as far as I can see. Secondly, the sentence structure, "After defeating Mandalore...six years earlier," is really jumping around in its chronological referencing, which comes off as confusing. Try rewriting this: "After defeating Mandalore the Ultimate, Revan and his friend Malak had hidden the Mask six years earlier in the tomb of the Sith Lord Dramath"
    • Changed.
  • This is an apparent dangling modifier. It's literally saying Revan and Canderous operated under the alias "Avner": "Operating under the alias "Avner", Revan and Canderous"
    • Changed.
  • A lightsaber technique article can be pipelinked here. I don't know which one it is. Please find which one and do so: "to block and redirect the first volley" Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 22:23, April 25, 2013 (UTC)
CC-8
  • Probably should be said in the prelude that Revan was the one who took down the Mandalorians since its referred to in the quote.
    • Added.
  • Even though we all know who he is context is still needed for Malak
    • Added.
  • Do something with the square bracket right after that Malak bit
    • Removed.
  • Did the spell that had been cast by the emmisary affect only Mandalore or every Mandalorian?
    • The book says only Mandalore, added context explaining that.
  • That sentence that mentions the spell uses Mandalore and Mandalorian twice in it, could you shake the wording up a bit. Commander Code-8 G'day, mate 01:38, March 29, 2013 (UTC)
Cadeth
  • "Mando" - that's slang, and a no-no.
    • That is due to a previous objection however changed.
  • See what I did here - you were very heavy on commas and dashes, and the chronology of your writing was rather tangled.
    • I originally that it was fine since no one else had an issue with that. Thanks for the change.
  • Rereading TOR: Revan, the prelude really needs to be expanded more:
    • There's no mention of Revan's use of an alias.
      • Mentioned.
    • You don't mention the fact that there were two teams climbing the Spears: Canderous and Revan, and Veela and her team. Veela should be mentioned in the prelude.
      • Mentioned.
    • You don't mention the fact that Veela figured out who Revan was before they climbed the Spears.
      • Mentioned. Am I missing anything else?
    • No mention of how Veela's group was slowed down on their ascent, allowing Revan's group to reach the top first?
      • Added.
  • Please go through the rest of the article and check on your use of commas. Try reading it out loud; that should highlight some of the places where you should remove commas.
    • Removed the unneeded one's I believe.
  • Reading it aloud will also help you in the skirmish section, it's very choppy, especially the second paragraph. Several of those sentences should be merged with a ", and " or a ", but".
    • I reworded two sentences and after reading them aloud don't see/hear any that should be merged. Please let me know if they still need merged.
  • Context on the planet Mandalore in the Aftermath. You don't specify that it's a planet or that it's different from the title.
  • I'll look at it further once these have been addressed. Cade GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Calrayn 05:17, April 18, 2013 (UTC)
  • It's rather confusing as to who you're referring to with "Ordo"; can you please change these to Canderous? This is an occasion where it's acceptable to use the first name.
    • That was requested by Cav, however changed.
  • The aftermath seems rather large, and it's rather alarming to see how close the article is to the text. Can you please try and rewrite the section so it's more in your own words and not so close to the novel's text?
    • Changed.
  • That's it. Not a bad job. Cade GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Calrayn 01:40, April 21, 2013 (UTC)
  • For future reference, see here and here for how I made the sentence flow better. Cade GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Calrayn 03:13, April 21, 2013 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 01:49, April 26, 2013 (UTC)