Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Laane

< Wookieepedia:Good article nominations
The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Laane

  • Nominated by: –Tm_T (Talk) 21:07, July 2, 2011 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: Poor little fellow, got a name but no single repartee.

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)

Support

  1. Good.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 03:59, July 6, 2011 (UTC)
  2. ACvote "Laane appeared as a corpse…"—Tommy 9281 Thursday, July 7, 2011, 20:03 UTC
  3. ACvote Kilson(Let's have a chat) 15:31, July 9, 2011 (UTC)
  4. Nothing stood out to object to. Looks solid to me. Trak Nar Ramble on 08:21, July 12, 2011 (UTC)
  5. ACvote Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 19:19, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

Object

Kilson
  • I think you could put "Fair" for the skin color as that seems to work for orientals, such as Mala.
    • I suppose, although it doesn't look fair to me.
      • You forgot to add that to the P&t section.
  • In the Intro, "Laane was a male scout in the Onderon military during the Dark Wars. In 3,951 BBY, he was part of the Onderon separatists." You should combine these two sentences and also give some context on the separatists, like how they were followers of General Vaklu.
    • Done.
  • "In that year, he was sent by Colonel Tobin to the Dxun moon to find the Jedi Exile as a member of a scout team." It would be better to phrase the sentence by saying, "In that year, Laane was part of a scout team sent by Colonel Tobin..." Also, you should mention that the Exile crash landed on the moon.
    • Definately better. About crash landing, Exile didn't crash land, more of emergency landing, I contextualised it so hopefully works now.
  • "As the team spread out into the jungle to begin their search, Laane got surrounded by a pack of Cannok beasts, eventually being killed by the beasts." Two things here. Since cannoks are not sentient, we do not capitalize their names. Also, you repeat "beasts" twice in this sentence. Please replace one of them with a synonym.
    • Sorted.
  • You can probably delete the last sentence in the Intro, as it really isn't that necessary.
    • Gone.
  • You should mention in the Bio that the separatists opposed Queen Talia.
    • Done.
  • "In 3,951 BBY,[1] following the first battle of Onderon Civil War when the separatists' space forces fired on the small freighter Ebon Hawk after locating the ship among the blockaded ships above planet Onderon, Colonel Tobin sent Laane as part of a team of scouts to the surface of Dxun moon to hunt down a former Jedi the Jedi Exile, travelling aboard the Ebon Hawk, where she had fleed the attack after the ship had taken some damage." This is all one sentence. Please try to cut this sentence in two and make it sound coherent.
    • Doneish. –Tm_T (Talk) 07:14, July 3, 2011 (UTC)
  • There are a lot of grammar errors throughout the article, please go through and try to correct some of these before I re-review. I also made a number of edits correcting grammar and spelling. Please look over these as well. Kilson(Let's have a chat) 22:50, July 2, 2011 (UTC)
  • In the Bio, "Surrounded by the animals, Laane was killed while his teammate bore witness." This makes it sound like Laane only had one other teammate. You should say instead, "one of his teammates." Kilson(Let's have a chat) 00:55, July 8, 2011 (UTC)
    • Done. –Tm_T (Talk) 05:34, July 8, 2011 (UTC)
Jangdfipng
  • In the infobox, is there a reason why Onderon is within a comment tag?
    • Yes, as I cannot reliably source it, but I'm still looking for some way. (:
      • Problem with this is: what do we count as homeworld? Is serving on planets army enough? Do we need some explicit statement? –Tm_T (Talk) 05:58, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
        • If nothing is mentioned/not confirmed, it's best to just leave it blank.
  • Context is needed for Dark Wars in the intro and bio
    • Uh, never have done that before in any status articles, I'll look into it. –Tm_T (Talk) 17:00, July 3, 2011 (UTC)
      • After some IRC discussions, looks fine.
  • One thing I am seeing in the intro is context issues. I realize you don't need to list every subject within context, but cases such as Onderon separatists and Onderon Civil War stick out quite a bit.
    • Any better?
  • "Serving under the command of Colonel Tobin, Laane—along with Tobin and the majority of the Onderonian military—was part of Onderon separatists following General Vaklu opposing the rule of Queen Talia." This sentence could be rewritten. It could be the lack of clarity, grammatical issues that are present, or just I haven't played KOTOR 2 in a while. One thing you can do is give context to Vaklu and Talia. Context doesn't need to be always "Tm_m, who is a Wookieepedian," but rather give supporting facts to these subjects. For Queen Talia, who is she Queen of? Queen Talia of blah. The second sentence of the intro needs to be looked over as well, both contextually and grammatical. See what you can do.
    • Might be much better now.
      • "[...]Laane was part of Onderon separatists following the commander-in-chief of the military, General Vaklu, who opposed the rule of pro-Republic Onderonian Queen Talia." I'm not entirely sure, but this clause (and in the intro) reads as if Laane followed Vaklu and they all opposed the Queen. However, in the separatists article, it says that the seps wanted to overthrow both the Queen and Vaklu. Which is correct? It's confusing as it stands.
        • Vaklu was the leader of of the separatists, and separatists aimed on replacing the rule of Queen Talia with rule of Vaklu. –Tm_T (Talk) 05:58, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
          • Looks much better now.
  • Was there a reason why they fired on the Ebon Hawk?
    • Yes, but I don't know if it would require too elaborate context, I'll try something after a good sleep. (: –Tm_T (Talk) 20:50, July 3, 2011 (UTC)
      • For clarity, it should JangFett (Talk) 01:44, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
        • Gave some context, hopefully won't need further explanation. (: –Tm_T (Talk) 05:58, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
  • I'll take another look later. JangFett (Talk) 16:42, July 3, 2011 (UTC)
Exiled Jedi
  • Biography:
    • I do not think you can claim that he was a scout in the years prior to the Dark Wars, he could have been a new recruit.
      • I'm certain I had this right at some point, fixed again.
    • Who exactly is Leena? Is this just a typo?--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 19:09, July 5, 2011 (UTC)
      • Definately a typo, or more like a brainfart, fixed. –Tm_T (Talk) 03:51, July 6, 2011 (UTC)
Moffship
  • Not an objection, but a comment - I removed Onderon and the comment tag from the homeworld field. If you find a source stating Onderon was Laane's homeworld, then you should add it back.
  • I believe you're missing a reference for the second and third sentences of the first paragraph of the Biography section, since I doubt all that information can be sourced to the KOTOR Campaign Guide.
    • Indeed, it is fixored.
      • Shouldn't the third sentence ("Along with... Queen Talia") also be sourced to the game?
        • You are entirely correct, this is what you get when throwing a fix without really paying attention. (: –Tm_T (Talk) 15:18, July 12, 2011 (UTC)
  • That's all. Good work. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 16:49, July 10, 2011 (UTC)
    • Thanks. (: –Tm_T (Talk) 08:15, July 12, 2011 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 19:19, July 12, 2011 (UTC)


Part of the neverending quest of WP:KOTOR. Skin color commented out, as I cannot figure out the right name for that color. –Tm_T (Talk) 21:07, July 2, 2011 (UTC)