Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Jmmaar/Legends

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Jmmaar

  • Nominated by: JangFett (Talk) 03:25, May 26, 2011 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: olawd I will be rusty

(4 ACs/1 Users/5 Total)

Support

  1. Nice. Clone Commander Lee Talk 17:14, May 26, 2011 (UTC)
  2. ACvote Kilson(Let's have a chat) 00:54, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
  3. ACvote Assuming Xd's satisfaction.—Tommy 9281 Wednesday, June 1, 2011, 00:53 UTC
  4. ACvote Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 15:56, June 1, 2011 (UTC)
  5. ACvote 1358 (Talk) 21:07, June 1, 2011 (UTC)

Object

Wait, he isn't a Wookiee?!
  • In the Intro, could you mention that Grievous was a Confederate general?
    • Addressed
  • Give more context on the Hulk War in the Bio, such as that the Hulks were the aggressors.
  • You should also probably give more context on why Jmmaar supported the Hulk during the Hulk War. I believe it had something to do with the Hulk lying about their involvement, saying how the Kaleesh were instead the ones that attacked.
    • I tried looking into that, but Jmmaar is only metioned very briefly within the listed sources. Nothing else is confirmed, sadly. JangFett (Talk) 00:50, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
      • Addressed via IRC.
  • In the Bio, "Years later, in 20 BBY,[2] Jmmaar,[1] D'oon and his Padawan, Flynn Kybo," the wording is a little confusing here, maybe you should say "D'oon's Padawan, Flynn Kybo" or something along those lines.
    • Addressed
  • I'm not certain about the site's policy on this, but since the ROTS novel and Incredible Cross-Sections were released on the same day, perhaps you should put (First mentioned) next to both of them.
  • Otherwise, good job Jang. Kilson(Let's have a chat) 00:03, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
    • Thanks for the review, Kilson. JangFett (Talk) 00:50, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
Ecks Dee
  • "Prior to the Clone Wars, Jmmaar, along with fellow Jedi Master T'chooka D'oon, were sent to the…" I believe that 'were' should be 'was'; not sure though.
  • "One of the Kaleesh Warlords to witness…" I think that 'warlord' should be decapitalized, as it's a title not referring to an individual.
  • "Grievous himself never forgot Jmmaar and D'oon." This is confusing, seeing as you say he killed them in the next sentence.
  • "Jmmaar, as well as D'oon, were" Same as first objection.
  • "In 20 BBY, on the planet Vandos, Jmmaar, as well as D'oon, were slain by the cyborg General, when the two Jedi came to Vandos to rescue Anx Ambassador Quiyyen from Grievous." I believe this sentence could be reworded better as a whole. I think something like "In 20 BBY, when Jmmaar and D'oon traveled to the planet Vandos in order to rescue Anx Ambassador Quiyyen from Grievous, the two Jedi were slain by the cyborg General." It's a bit choppy as is.
  • "Before the outbreak of the Clone Wars began in 22 BBY" This makes no sense. Are you missing a 'that' between 'Wars' and 'began', maybe?
  • "One of the Kaleesh Warlords to" Same capitalization objection as above.
  • "Jmmaar was first mentioned in author Matthew Stover's novel, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith, and in the book, Revenge of the Sith: Incredible Cross-Sections" This sounds like ICS was written by Stover. Also, I'm not sure if there should be a comma after "book."
  • Maybe more to come later, but looks good. 1358 (Talk) 06:12, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
    • After IRC discussions, all good? :P JangFett (Talk) 14:55, May 27, 2011 (UTC)
Moffship
  • The intro seems too long in comparison to the body. Please condense it somehow.
    • Better?
      • I feel it could still be trimmed. The two sentences on the Huk War, for instance, could be shortened and merged.
  • In both the intro and the body, please make it clear that the Kaleesh and the Yam'rii are species.
    • How's that?
  • "Sometime before the start of the Clone Wars, Jmmaar and fellow Jedi Master T'chooka D'oon were sent to the planet Kalee to resolve the Huk War, a conflict that was fought between the Kaleesh and the Yam'rii, also known as the "Huk."" - the bulk of this sentence, from the body, is almost identical to one from the intro. Please rephrase it.
    • Addressed
  • After establishing that "Yam'rii" is the proper name for the Huks, you still refer to them as the latter. For the purpose of this article, it might be best to either pipelink "Huk" to the Yam'rii article (and avoid referring to them as Yam'rii altogether) or simply remove "also known as the 'Huk'" from the intro and the body.
    • Addressed
  • How is D'oon's nickname relevant to Jmmaar?
  • The last sentence of the bio's first paragraph is currently unsourced.
    • Both addressed
  • Given this is Jmmaar's article, you might want to focus solely on him in the P&T. D'oon's part in the Kaleesh affair is not relevant there.
    • True, how's that?
  • "Also on the same day, Jmmaar was mentioned in Revenge of the Sith: Incredible Cross-Sections." - this implies that Jmmaar was only mentioned in the book on April 2, 2005. Please reword.
    • How's that?
  • Please modify the two {{1stm}} templates to note the simultaneous releases of both sources.
    • Since it's been a while, is my change correct? I was wondering about this.
  • That's all for now. Interesting character. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 22:57, May 30, 2011 (UTC)
    • Thanks for the review, Tranner. JangFett (Talk) 23:20, May 30, 2011 (UTC)
  • Two more P&T objections. The second sentence is written from Grievous's POV and should probably be rewritten and merged with the first sentence; also, a mention of his status as a Jedi Master would probably be appropriate here. Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 22:00, May 31, 2011 (UTC)
    • Addressed

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 21:07, June 1, 2011 (UTC)