Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Halle Dray

< Wookieepedia:Good article nominations
The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Halle Dray

  • Nominated by: Cumulonimbus Cloud 21:19, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: First Artical nomination

(3 ACs/3 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. Good work. 501st dogma(talk) 20:40, June 1, 2012 (UTC)
  2. Good job working through all of the objections, reminds me of my first nom.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 02:58, June 2, 2012 (UTC)
  3. Everything seems great, no objections from me. Winterz 22:09, June 16, 2012 (UTC)
  4. ACvote IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 01:16, June 24, 2012 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote Menkooroo (talk) 22:05, July 14, 2012 (UTC)
  6. ACvote CC7567 (talk) 03:10, July 18, 2012 (UTC)

Object

Ecks Dee
  • Lacking linking.
  • Infobox-only facts.
  • Sentient species are capitalized.
  • AAlphabetize your categories. 1358 (Talk) 21:29, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
501st dogma
  • Context for Aldeeran. You might have to rephrase it to something like this to get the context in: "and a native of the planet Alderaan".
  • I think the intro needs to be expanded. Things to add include her death and the kidnapping of Organa.
  • Context for the Galactic Civil War in Bio.
  • io needs context for Shell. - one of the infobox facts Xd mentioned.
  • More to come. Don't despair, although this is your first nomination and you will be recieving lots of objections, everybody has that on their first nom. Good Work! 501st dogma(talk) 21:33, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
    • Please also indicate here when you have completed someone's objection. 501st dogma(talk) 21:59, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
  • Link for Alderaanian faction.
    • From my understandings, there is no artical created about the faction. Also, in the book, it only said "the group" and it has no real name for it. So should I make an artical about it? --Cumulonimbus Cloud 23:16, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
      • Yes make an article, but use the template conjecture at the top. That means we made the name up, and the name's none canon, although the article is. 501st dogma(talk) 23:50, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
        • Done.
  • Are there any better quotes that describe Dray's character more? 501st dogma(talk) 23:00, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
    • Well Halle Dray is a secondary character, but i'll try to find better quotes. --Cumulonimbus Cloud 23:11, May 18, 2012 (UTC)
      • Looked over the book, all Dray says are hate words to the Organa Family so yeah nothing special. --Cumulonimbus Cloud 02:20, May 19, 2012 (UTC)
  • Could you give context for Shell in the bio? All you would need to do is say "the young boy Shell" or something like that.
    • Done.
  • Please note that only in the infobox do you use {{Ref|reference}}. Otherwise, you can just use a normal reference. Also, after you use <ref name="Hostage">''[[Rebel Force: Hostage]]''</ref> once, you should use <ref name="Hostage" /> for any other references. Please change those things in the article.
    • Done.
      • You can do that in the info box too. Use {{Ref|<ref name="Hostage" />}} in the info box after you have the full reference.
        • Done.
  • Bio needs to mention Death star destroying Alderaan. Maybe give some context to it too.
  • In Bio, please elaborate on the actions that brought the Empire there. JUst a little context, including here affiliation with the Rebels. 501st dogma(talk) 12:17, May 19, 2012 (UTC)
  • I'll look it over agian soon. Do you have all the info available for Dray in the article? Is there any more about her death? 501st dogma(talk) 19:01, May 19, 2012 (UTC)
    • Yes, thats why I nominated it, right? Thanks for the review. Cumulonimbus Cloud 21:44, May 19, 2012 (UTC)
      • I'll try to upgrade the artical. Again, thanks for the review. Cumulonimbus Cloud 22:06, May 19, 2012 (UTC)
        • If there's no more info, don't try to stretch it. I'll continue my review tommorow probally. 501st dogma(talk) 22:14, May 19, 2012 (UTC)
  • Add something to P&T about Dray not suspecting the Empire to betray them.
    • Done.
      • Now it reads Her leadership in the group contributed to disbanding the faction and getting most of the group killed, even though Dray not suspecting the Empire to betray them." The grammer is a bit off here, and the faction did not disband, it had more of a downfall.
        • Done.
  • "Dray fled Alderaan and went to Delaya, the third planet from the star Alderaan in the Alderaan system. It was the sister world of Alderaan before Alderaan was destroyed." In this sentence, you need to state why Dray fled. Also, you could probally remove some context, as you have quite a bit.
    • I'm not sure why Dray fled. As for the context, if I remove them, I might break an objection request.
      • In the intro you say she fled because of the destruction of Alderaan, so say that. As for the overcontexting, in this section of the sentence, "Delaya, the third planet from the star Alderaan in the Alderaan system. It was the sister world of Alderaan before Alderaan was destroyed." You can just say that Delya was the sister world in the Alderaanian system. 501st dogma(talk) 20:21, May 22, 2012 (UTC)
  • Last two sentences of bio both of however in them. Eliminate one. 501st dogma(talk) 17:40, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
  • First paragraph in the bio is out of order. The destruction of the Alderaan needs to be mentioned before Dray being a leader of the faction.
    • Dray was leader of the faction before the destruction, so does it still need to be mentioned before?
      • If she was the leader of the faction before the destruction, the group cannot be called "A group of Alderaanian refugees", as Alderaan has not been obliterated yet, so they're not refugees yet. You will need to change this throughout the article. Also, in the intro, you should mention she was the leader of the group before Alderaan blew up. 501st dogma(talk) 18:54, May 26, 2012 (UTC)
        • Whoops, Dray was never confirmed to be in the faction when she lived on Alderaan or if the faction existed then. However, it is confirmed that she was in the faction when she lived on Delaya. The book didn't give details about the faction itself.Cumulonimbus Cloud (Meeting Room) 15:54, May 27, 2012 (UTC)
  • J'er Nahj should be mentioned in the bio where they're looking after shell.
    • Done.
  • Rebel Force: Hostage needs to be linked in the BtS. I know this is a SOFIXIT, but you should get into the habit of doing it. 501st dogma(talk) 16:38, May 26, 2012 (UTC)
  • Context for Delaya in the intro. This was one of Exiled's objections, but it must have been removed sometime. All that is required is a very short context, e.g. "to the planet Delaya".
    • done.
  • Last two sentences of the 1st paragraph of the bio need to be eliminated, as you're focusing on Alderaan, not Dray.
    • Done.
      • Sorry, I meant last three. I deleted the last one.
  • The Dray was one of the leaders...sentence needs a bit of an expansion. For example, something like this: "Dray was one of the leaders of a group of Alderaanian refugees that loathed Princess Leia Organa, as her actions had gotten Alderaan involved with the Rebellion, which in turn led to Alderaan's involvement in the Galactic Civil War, and later its destruction."
  • I'll look the article over once more after you've completed these objections. Good job, 501st dogma(talk) 23:22, May 31, 2012 (UTC)
Exiled Jedi
  • Context on Delaya in the introduction and body.
    • Described Delaya in body. Just a question, does it need to be in the introduction?
      • No, just having in the body should be fine, but is the information you added from Rebel Force: Hostage. If not, you will need to source it to another source.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 16:04, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
  • The Alderaanian faction article says that it is conjectural. If that it so, then you can't use it like a proper faction name in the article. You should say something like "a faction of Alderaanian refugees" or a "group of Alderaanian refugees".
  • There are still unlinked items in the article. Everything needs to be linked once in the introduction, once in the infobox, and once in the body of the article.
    • I'm not an expert at linking stuff, but I linked everything I could find. Cumulonimbus Cloud (talk) 15:15, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
      • Here are the things that I fixed with the linking. Please take a look.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 16:04, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
        • So what now?
  • "Dray also had the gift of leadership..." Could reword this; currently this sounds a little strange and doesn't really reflect how she got almost her entire group killed.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 14:07, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
    • Done. Cumulonimbus Cloud (talk) 14:57, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
      • I thinking that you could mention something saying how she was a leader of the people and that her leadership contributed to them dying.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 16:04, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
        • Done.
  • "With Organa with them, Dray and her followers contacted the Imperials and turned in Organa for the reward they had long hoped for." could you reword the start of this sentence to make it flow better. It might also be a good idea to combine this paragraph with the previous one.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 16:04, May 21, 2012 (UTC)
  • One more thing, please provide context for J'er Nahj in the intro and body.--Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 21:22, June 1, 2012 (UTC)
Floyd:
  • In quote attribution, always give full names.
    • Done.
  • In the main quote, also, "with 'her' being Leia" isn't the best way to say what you mean. "Halle Dray, referring to Leia Organa Solo" is better.
    • Done.
  • More context on Shell in the intro. Just saying he was a young boy would be sufficient.
    • Done.
  • Context in the intro on why they loathed Leia.
    • Done.
  • I think something about her view of Bail Organa could be added to the P&T, in accordance with the section's quote.
  • That's all. Not bad for your first article. IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 01:26, June 21, 2012 (UTC)
The glory of war!
  • The quote used for "Personality and traits" is a bit confusing, as there are two speakers attributed to one line. Can you make it more clear who says the line?
    • Done.
  • "a plan to turn the Princess in to the Empire, and in turn be rewarded..." this is a minor quibble, but the word "turn" appears twice in close succession --- can you vary up the wording?
    • Done.
  • Could the intro mention 0 ABY and give an idea of the timeframe when she kidnapped Leia? No need to just say "at some point" if we can be more specific.
    • Done.
  • Similar objection for the biography: Can you provide a date for Alderaan's destruction? I'd also like to see 0 ABY established earlier than the very end of the bio.
    • Done.
  • "Because of the destruction of Alderaan, Dray fled the planet..." makes it sound like she was on the planet when it got destroyed. Can you re-word and make it clear that she wasn't on-world at the time?
    • Done.
      • "Before and because of the destruction of Alderaan, Dray fled the planet" --- this doesn't really make sense; she couldn't flee the planet because of its destruction before the destruction actually happened. Did she definitely flee from Alderaan, or did she flee from wherever she was (presumably somewhere offworld) when Alderaan was destroyed? Menkooroo (talk) 02:09, June 27, 2012 (UTC)
        • Well the book just said she fled Aldreraan. Cumulonimbus Cloud (ℳeeting ℛoom) 20:27, June 27, 2012 (UTC)
          • Look at it now. Cumulonimbus Cloud (ℳeeting ℛoom) 02:50, June 28, 2012 (UTC)
            • Looks better. However, it still kind of reads like she was on-world --- can you establish that she was off-world at the time of the destruction? Menkooroo (talk) 03:09, June 28, 2012 (UTC)
              • Now? Cumulonimbus Cloud (ℳeeting ℛoom) 20:26, June 28, 2012 (UTC)
                • It's better. However, right now the intro says that she fled to Delaya after Alderaan's destruction, while the biography says she fled to Delaya before the destruction. Which one do you think is correct? I'd personally guess "after," since she'd have no reason to flee before. If she did flee after, just be sure to mention that she was not on Alderaan at the time of destruction. Something like "She was offworld when it went BOOM and then fled to Delaya" is what I'm looking for, but with better language than that. :D Make sense? Menkooroo (talk) 03:11, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
  • "as her actions had gotten Alderaan involved with the Rebellion, which in turn led to Alderaan's involvement in the Galactic Civil War, and later its destruction." This long sentence doesn't need to be repeated in the P&T so soon after being mentioned in the bio. Can you condense it and make it more to the point the second time around?
    • Done.
  • Are there any more details on the kidnapping you can give? It's currently pretty vague as to what actually happens. Ditto Leia's time with the group --- does anything happen while she's in their custody? Judging from the quotes, there's a conversation between Leia and Dray; probably worth noting in the bio that Dray confronted her.
    • Better?
  • Good work on your first nomination! Menkooroo 03:10, June 26, 2012 (UTC)
  • Sorry if this review seems never-ending: I'm still wondering if there are any more details on the kidnapping you can give. Does the book establish where they are when Leia is kidnapped? ie, an actual location? Do they physically restrain her; do they point blasters at her; do they talk her into coming with her? Is Dray the one who does the talking? "confronted and kidnapped Organa" is still pretty vague. It would be a good level of detail for the intro, but the biography can and should go into a little more detail.
    • better?
      • There hasn't really been a change here other than the note of Dray accusing her of loving war. Please read the objection again and provide appropriate detail. Where are they when this happens? How does the kidnapping happen? It's still unclear. The mention of 0 ABY is now a little awkward, too; can you move it to earlier in the paragraph?
  • "While in custody, Organa tried to escape, but failed." Are there any more details on this you can give? Is Dray the one who stops her, or is she involved in some way?
    • Detailed.
      • Good stuff. Does the book say what the "vehicle" is? Anything you can pipelink here?
        • pipelinked.
  • Can you mention that Dray confronts Leia and accuses her of loving war? The quotes used in the article imply that that conversation happens, but the article makes no mention of it.
    • Done.
  • And finally: Are there any more details you can give on the Imperials betraying and killing them? How does it happen, where does it happen, etc? Is it stormtroopers with blasters, do the Imperials come to their HQ?
    • Detailed.
      • Looking for a little more here. Can you be more specific as to who the killers are than "the imperials" ?
        • Better?
  • On that note --- where does Dray bring Leia after kidnapping her? Do they imprison her somewhere? Do they have an HQ? If so, where? The second paragraph of Biography is pretty vague and definitely needs more detail. Menkooroo (talk) 21:17, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 03:10, July 18, 2012 (UTC)