Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Duel in the Christophsis CIS base

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Duel in the Christophsis CIS base

  • Nominated by: CC7567 20px-Rex.png (talk) 05:29, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: By recommendation. TCW's first official nomination. CC7567 20px-Rex.png (talk) 05:29, 16 April 2009 (UTC)

(0 ACs/3 Users/3 Total)

Support

  1. Good job. Jonjedigrandmaster Jedi symbol (Jedi beacon) 00:15, 17 April 2009 (UTC)
  2. Once again, another well written article, I think'll it'll pass soon. Kilson Likes PIE 04:54, 17 April 09 (UTC)
  3. A good GAN. —Lucius malfoy7 Nute777 (Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents!) 12:06, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Object

  1. The Grand Master's first look
    • It's conjecturally titled, so the article's name should not appear at the beginning of the intro.
      • Addressed.
    • As a date is provided in the infobox, it should also be given in the intro and the beginning of the prelude.
      • Addressed.
    • "…High Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jedi General Anakin Skywalker headed to aid its inhabitants with a small group of the Grand Army of the Republic…" This is somewhat awkward and should be reworded; maybe something along the lines of: "…High Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jedi General Anakin Skywalker went to aid its inhabitants with a group of clones from the Grand Army of the Republic…"
      • Addressed.
    • There are a few places where you should use dashes instead of commas in order to keep the flow, e.g. "During the Clone Wars, the conflict between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independent Systems, the Confederacy invaded the planet of Christophsis." should probably be changed to something like "During the Clone Wars—the conflict between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independant Systems—the Confederacy invaded the planet of Christophsis."
      • While I agree that using dashes would smooth the flow, I feel that using dashes would make the sentence grammatically awkward. If it read, "In 22 BBY, during the Clone Wars<space>—the conflict between the Galactic Republic and the Confederacy of Independent Systems—the Confederacy invaded..." the indicated "<space>" would technically require a comma, which would interrupt the flow even more. The alternative would be rewording the sentence, which I don't believe would work well.
    • "…along with Clone Commander Cody, Captain Rex, and a nominal faction of the Grand Army of the Republic." Do we know what exactly this "nominal faction" was? e.g. platoon, legion, etc.
      • Addressed.
    • "Upon their return, Skywalker and Kenobi found that Sergeant Slick was the traitor, who was angry with himself and his fellow clone brothers acting as puppets of the Jedi." This should probably be broken up into two sentences or reworded.
      • Addressed.
    • "A shamed Slick was taken to lockup." This is a little short and choppy, see if you can reword it or work it into the previous sentence.
      • Addressed.
    • Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster Jedi symbol (Jedi beacon) 20:35, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
      • Thanks for the review. —CC7567 20px-Rex.png (talk) 05:29, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
  2. Kilson's glance threw
    • In the intro, you should say When Confederacy invaded the planet Christophsis, the High Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jedi General Anakin Skywalker... instead of The Confederacy invaded the planet Christophsis, and High Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi and Jedi General Anakin Skywalker.... It sounds a little better.
    • Also, the sentence is too long, you should probably break off the GAR context into a separate sentence.
      • Already removed per Jonjedigrandmaster's objections above.
        • Should have saw that, sorry.
    • You should mention that Ventress is a Rattataki in the intro, and in the main body before you say The Rattataki drove Skywalker down to the foot of the stairs. This might confuse readers if they don't know Ventress is one. When I first saw her, I thought she was a pale human, so there's a good chance people new to Star Wars might be in the dark about her species.
      • It would require mentioning that Kenobi and Skywalker are Human, which I don't think would be appropriate. I moved "Rattataki" towards the beginning of the section.
        • I'm good with that.
    • Address these and I'll take another look at the article after I get more PIE in my stomach. Another well written article, I think it'll pass soon. Kilson Likes PIE 18:48, 16 April 09 (UTC)
      • Just fyi, it's spelled "through", not "threw". ;) —CC7567 20px-Rex.png (talk) 23:21, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
  3. Hiss hiss: Lucius needs a distraction
    • However, after evidence was discovered of a traitor... Needs rewording.
    • ...but they reversed them back at her. Also needs rewording, and better word choice if possible.
      • Addressed.
    • It wasn't exactly just a "squad" on Christophis.
    • The duel atop the tri-droid image doesn't really illustrate the duel well; that section of the battle was brief, and the figures appear small in the picture. If possible, it should be replaced.
      • That's the best one I could find where they were actually locking blades. However, don't do anything to this objection yet; I have to take a look later when I have the time.
        • Okay, take a look now. The figures are still rather small, but it's more focused on them. And yes, the section was brief, but it supported the Jedi's escape. CC7567 20px-Rex.png (talk) 02:07, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
    • In the intro, it needs to be contextualized that Asajj was a Separatist Dark Acolyte.
    • Other than the above, excellent work. —Lucius malfoy7 Nute777 (Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents!) 00:46, 19 April 2009 (UTC)
      • Thanks for the review. CC7567 20px-Rex.png (talk) 01:28, 19 April 2009 (UTC)

Comments

  • Thanks very much to JMAS for helping organize the images so that the article wasn't an image breeding farm. —CC7567 20px-Rex.png (talk) 05:29, 16 April 2009 (UTC)
  • I hate to be the one that says this, but shouldn't this be merged with Battle of Christophsis? In the infobox, you have it as concurrent, but that is normally used for concurrents battles occurring elsewhere. I'm not sure I see the rationale for these being separate. --Eyrezer 08:26, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
    • Would that also mean that Duel in the Teth Monastery rancor pit and Duel in the Teth Monastery would have to be merged with the Battle of Teth? Because if so, I'm not looking forward to doing so. CC7567 (talk) 16:38, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
    • If this is the place to do it, can anyone else chip in their two cents? It's not that I don't trust you, Eyrezer, but I'd just like to make sure of this, because multiple articles would have to be merged and deleted. CC7567 (talk) 16:46, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
      • If an article is consequent, important enough, and has enough information/material, it should have its own article (event wise.) In the case of the duel, the battle was separate and happened later. —Lucius malfoy7 Nute777 (Give it up for Lil' 'Soka Tano, ladies and gents!) 20:03, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
        • I would say that those Teth ones should also be merged. --Eyrezer 22:59, 20 April 2009 (UTC)

Removal vote (AC only)

  1. ACvote Per nominator's request in IRC. He wants to merge this into something else. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:40, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
  2. ACvote Grunny (Talk) 23:46, 20 April 2009 (UTC)
  3. ACvote Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 11:10, 21 April 2009 (UTC)