Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Voxyn

< Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations
The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Voxyn

  • Nominated by: 501st dogma(talk) 02:40, February 12, 2014 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: This will be my cuddly nom for the barnburner. I'll get to a scary one next.

(4 Inqs/3 Users/7 Total)

Support

  1. Great work on this! Manoof ([http://www.example.com titre du lien]talk) 04:58, February 17, 2014 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Sir Cavalier of OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 22:43, June 12, 2014 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote IFYLOFD (Enter the Floydome) 02:55, June 14, 2014 (UTC)
  4. Emperor Jarjarkine GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Senate Hall 00:51, June 15, 2014 (UTC)
  5. <-Omicron(Leave a message at the BEEP!) 03:08, June 15, 2014 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 19:45, July 7, 2014 (UTC)
  7. Inqvote Cade GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Calrayn 19:50, July 11, 2014 (UTC)

Object

Manoof
  • "All voxyn were genetically alike, as they were..." using alike implies they were not exactly identical, could you clarify?
    • Changed to identical, but noted that that the queen is not identical to them.
  • "The tail of a voxyn could be used to deliver a neural shock, as well as poison,[1] which would cause swelling and would make most creatures' flesh red for one to six days; the vornskr also possessed a poisonous tail barb, just like the creature that had been made with the help of the vornskr' genes." you mention the poisonous tail twice, and the last part of the sentence is confusing.
    • I'm not seeing how I mention the poisonous tail twice. Nueral shock and poison are different things. The last part of the sentence's purpose is to inform the reader that vornskrs also had the poisonous tail.
      • Sorry, i mean your talking about the voxyn's tail and poison then associate it in a roundabout way to the vornskr. Perhaps rewriting to something like "The tail of a voxyn could be used to deliver a neural shock, as well as poison, a trait passed on from the vornskr' genes. The poison from a voxyn could cause swelling and make most creatures' flesh red for one to six days. Manoof (talk) 07:28, February 16, 2014 (UTC)
        • How's that?
          • Looks great!
  • "Voxyn were also fast and agile on their feet, able to jump to great heights, and could swim in water. Voxyn could also submerge themselves underwater for extended periods of time, though the blast effect of a concussion grenade could stun them while they were under water, and cause them to rise to the surface." You mention their swimming in water, though the second sentence by itself implies this. I would also remove the word "also" in the second sentence so the two read better.
    • Swimming and being able to breath under water are different things. In the passage where the voxyn were coming at the jedi from under water, the water was shallow, so they most likely walked on the ground beneath the water. I've removed Also and replaced it with Additionally.
      • Looks good
  • "As such, voxyn possessed the ability to sense Jedi, or other Force-sensitives, through the Force, an ability that vornskrs had as well." needs rewording, perhaps something like "To this end, they shared an ability with vornskrs that allowed them, through the force, to sense Jedi and other force-sensitives"
    • Tweaked it a bit. Is that any better?
      • Looks great.
  • "Voxyn could sense Jedi through the Force even if the Force-sensitives diminished their presence in the Force, preventing Jedi from hiding from the hounds." Needs rewriting, perhaps something like "Voxyn could sense Jedi through the Force even if they used a force technique to diminish their force presence, in an attempt to hide from the hounds"
    • Reworded. Try it out.
      • Tried and loved, though looks like you left out a word - "voxyn could still sense them" Manoof (talk) 07:28, February 16, 2014 (UTC)
        • There you go. 501st dogma(talk) 15:40, February 16, 2014 (UTC)
  • You mention lightsabers having difficulty cutting through a foot, is this the only place of their body there was difficulty?
    • Is that better?
      • Much better :)
  • You keep referencing to the Vong invading "a galaxy". Shouldn't this be changed to "the galaxy" as the article is IU (Nei Rin for example mentions the vong invasion of the galaxy)
    • No, as the Vong are invading from another galaxy. As such, I do not think that I can label the New Republic's galaxy as "The galaxy" when there are others in the Stars Wars universe. I might be wrong in this regard, but I think it is alright as it is.
      • Sounds fair
  • "and the decaying worldship of the Banu Rass in orbit of the planet was used as the base of operations" needs rephrasing, perhaps something along the lines of "and the decaying worldship, the Baanu Rass, was placed in orbit as a base of operations"
    • Changed it up.
  • you say there were a couple of failed attempts to create voxyn, was it 2? do we know exactly how many there were, or a rough estimate?
    • There is no specific number, though I do assume they tried quite a bit.
  • could you add some context on what a grashal is? Manoof (talk) 12:06, February 15, 2014 (UTC)
    • Done. Thanks for the review. 501st dogma(talk) 13:19, February 15, 2014 (UTC)
Cav
  • Eye color in infobox is unreffed.
    • Whoops. Fixed.
  • All voxyn, save for the voxyn queen, were genetically identical as they were all clones of the queen - wouldn't they all be identical, including the queen, if they were clones of the queen? To be different genetically from the prime clone would be a great trick.
    • Well... the queen is larger and smarter than her clones, so she isn't identical. Not sure how the Vong made that happen....
      • Well, genetically identical and physically identical are two different things I would assume. Safer to go with "physically identical", I feel.
        • There.
  • invaded a galaxy other than their own, which contained their homeworld of Yuuzhan'tar. - I don't think this is technically correct - I thought Zonoma Sekot was a seed on the original Yuuzhan'tar? - Sir Cavalier of OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 13:18, March 10, 2014 (UTC)
    • Wait, do you mean that it sounds like "the galaxy" has Yuuzhan'tar in it? 501st dogma(talk) 22:15, March 10, 2014 (UTC)
      • Yes, the way its worded now suggests that the galaxy they are invaded contains their homeworld. - Sir Cavalier of OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 20:11, April 9, 2014 (UTC)
        • That should clarify. 501st dogma(talk) 23:53, April 29, 2014 (UTC)
El Jefe
  • "Voxyn were a genetic cross between a fero xyn and a vornskr, shaped into being by the Yuuzhan Vong." Right away, I'd like context on fero xyn, vornskr, and the Yuuzhan Vong.
    • That work? It's kinda ugly....
      • Eh, I had something different in mind. Changed it myself, what do you think?
  • Gonna get nitpicky here. "A pair of yellow oval eyes graced the voxyn's flattish head," Saying that the eyes "graced" the head implies that they were beautiful, which would be NPOVish unless they were stated to be so.
    • You calling voxyn ugly? (Fixed)
  • "could make them feel noxious" Do you mean "nauseous" here?
    • Um, yep.
  • "In the year 25 ABY, the sentient Yuuzhan Vong species invaded a galaxy other than their own, with the latter containing their homeworld of Yuuzhan'tar. " Is the Yuuzhan'tar reference really necessary? It doesn't figure in otherwise in the narrative.
    • Removed.
  • Context on the Peace Brigade.
    • There.
  • I think you should establish that the Treskov system and the Ebaq system are the same system—they seem to be distinct in the bio, which would thus create a conflict with the intro.
    • Killed the reference to the Ebaq system, as it's not officially known as that. That should clear it up.
  • "The impact and resulting fireball sucked all of the air out of the tunnels, and the last voxyn, and almost all of the warriors in the tunnels died," This is pretty unclear - is the last voxyn sucked out of the tunnels, or does it die in the tunnels? IFYLOFD (Enter the Floydome) 02:35, June 13, 2014 (UTC)
    • Pow. Thanks for the review. 501st dogma(talk) 14:39, June 13, 2014 (UTC)
Emperor advices
Toprawa
  • As a preliminary objection, it sure looks like the "Biology and appearance" and "Behavior" sections could use some subsectioning. Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 06:32, June 28, 2014 (UTC)
    • Check it out. 501st dogma(talk) 15:49, June 28, 2014 (UTC)
  • Reference 7 is not self-sourcing. This needs to be attributed to something: "...as clones take the gender of the genetic template."
    • Addressed as per IRC discussion.
  • "Nestless" is not a word: "Nestless hunting creatures" Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 21:51, June 29, 2014 (UTC)
    • Remedied. 501st dogma(talk) 19:36, July 7, 2014 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 19:50, July 11, 2014 (UTC)

  • Thanks to MJ for the copyedit. 501st dogma(talk) 02:40, February 12, 2014 (UTC)