- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.
Valin Draco
- Nominated by:Jinzler 00:05, 7 April 2009 (UTC)
- Nomination comments:My first FA nom
(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total/INQCON 5)
Support
Thefourdotelipsis 22:40, 27 April 2009 (UTC)- CC7567 (talk) 21:48, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
- —Tommy9281
(No quarter given, all exits sealed) 20:16, 20 May 2009 (UTC) 
Grand Moff Tranner (Comlink) 12:29, 29 June 2009 (UTC)- Cavalier One(Squadron channel) 12:45, 15 July 2009 (UTC)
- Graestan(Talk) 18:56, 15 July 2009 (UTC)
Object
- Eyrezer:
"a plan to infiltrate Admiral Gilder Varth into the Alderaanian Resistance and the Sarlacc Project, the construction of a Super Star Destroyer prototype." It sounds as though Varth infiltrated both the resistance, and the Project. Can you re-wrod this? --Eyrezer 02:50, 14 April 2009 (UTC)- Done --Jinzler 10:11, 14 April 2009 (UTC)
" In the fight that followed, they almost killed each other." This and the following sentence sounds a bit awkward. Can you reword it? --Eyrezer 09:13, 15 April 2009 (UTC)- Done --Jinzler 20:33, 15 April 2009 (UTC)
- Four Dot:
"He became involved in various secret plots including a plan to infiltrate Admiral Gilder Varth into the Alderaanian Resistance, a resistance group based on Alderaan, to find evidence that Senator Bail Organa had betrayed the Empire and was secretly leading it." - Leading the Empire? I don't think so. :P You should reword this.- He would have been a better leader of it than Palpatine. I have rewrote this --Jinzler 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
"and acquiring a Star Courier, the Scimitar—the former personal ship of the Sith Lord Darth Maul—although it is unknown if it was the same craft or not." - Well, if it's a Star Courier called Scimitar, it is the same ship, at least for our intents and purposes. You don't need to add the qualifier.- I have removed the stuff about it being the Scimitar. I don't know who added this, as I'm pretty sure that Starships of the Galaxy just says that it may or may not be the Scimitar --Jinzler 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
"She had traveled to Coruscant when she learned of Order 66, to confront those responsible for destroying the Jedi Order and so preventing her from having revenge against them." - This doesn't make a lot of sense.- Hopefully, it does now --Jinzler 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
You should make some mention of the Empire's rise in the Republic's stead.- Added --Jinzler 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
"The Alderaanian Resistance sent a team to free Varth[4] and Draco had ensured that they were easily able to do so, by limiting the number of Imperial troops, under the guise of keeping the facility secret." - This doesn't read well.- Rewrote --Jinzler 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
"While the Legacy Era Campaign Guide does not explicitly state the familial bond, it is strongly implied in the entry for Antares Draco; it is noted that an ancestor of Antares was a member of the Inquisitorius under Emperor Palpatine." - If that's the case, why is the Legacy Era Campaign guide listed as a source? Thefourdotelipsis 02:24, 26 April 2009 (UTC)- Removed. It's a shame we don't have a "possible mention" template, as we have a (Possible appearance) one --Jinzler 22:09, 27 April 2009 (UTC)
- Attack of the Clone
The first sentence of the intro is a bit confusing; it sounds like you're trying to say that he served as a Knight during the Clone Wars, but it's not coming off as completely clear.- Clarified --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
What exactly did Draco learn from the holocron? If there are too many things to list, it can be stated as something general.- Added --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
Prakith needs a bit of context, as does Byss.- Added --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
When you say that Draco "fully embraced his role as a commander", I think it can be linked to Jedi Commander instead of commander. However, I wasn't completely sure of this, so please change it yourself if you see fit.- Changed --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
Parein II 4 needs context.- Added --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
"she was prevented from her from having revenge against them": the "from her" is confusing; please check this.- Oops... I have now fixed this --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
Coruscant needs context.- Added --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
"Draco conspired with Admiral Gilder Varth of the Imperial Navy to infiltrate Varth into the Alderaanian Resistance": it sounds like it's supposed to mean "Draco conspired with Varth to infiltrate the Resistance with him," but please clarify.- Clarified --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
Felucia and Cato Nemoidia need context.- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"and wanted to trade her in return for the Inquisitor ensuring that Darga never returned to Cato Neimoidia." The sentence needs to be reworded so that a noun replaces "ensuring", as it is grammatically awkward right now.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"Draco agreed, and said that he would travel there straight away, with the Assiduous": rather awkward phrasing; if possible, please remove "straight away" and change "with the Assiduous", as the latter is not grammatically correct.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"but he threatened Demos that he would not be gentle with him if he had been summoned on a fool's errand": it looks like "gentle with him" is quoted directly from the source, but please try to reword it if possible.- Rephrased --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
Bespin needs context, and so does Almas—yes, it is stated what system it is in, but for all the reader knows, it could be a planet, an asteroid, a city (possibly), etc.- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
That the Almas Academy was a Jedi Academy is currently exclusive to the intro.- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
Utapau needs context.- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"Afterward, he headed for Almas." The use of "afterward" is rather choppy. The same is the case in the start of the first sentence of another paragraph "Afterward, Draco took Rivan’s holocron..." (Also, I changed it from "afterwards", since the word is slang.)- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"who had ruled on Almas" sounds like he ruled something on Almas, but not the entire planet. If this is the case, please make it clearer, and if it's not, please reword it.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"Jedi Master Vhiin Thorla had arrived there": it's unclear exactly when Thorla arrives; please clarify by either adding "already" (if that's the case) or rewording it.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"Under the influence of the gatekeeper, he left various traps and creatures around the academy to discourage intruders." It's unclear who "he" is; it sounds like it likely means Draco, but it could also mean Rivan in this case.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"and while seeming familiar, also seemed not to be right": rather awkward phrasing; please reword.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"illusionary" is not a word; please change.- Changed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"keeping strapped to his wrist from then on": it needs to be stated as to which holocron he strapped to his wrist; it could mean either one right now.- I disagree, as this is part of a sentence regarding his discovery of the Qornah holocron and clearly refers to that --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"Draco became desperate due to the fact that the loss of the holocron had weakened his power." For this sentence to work, Draco needs to be desperate for something, i.e. to accomplish an action; it doesn't work otherwise.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
Nizon needs context.- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"and planned to transport her off it" is not very clear; please check this and reword.Prakith needs context as to what kind of location it is.- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"he had still not broken her": reads rather awkwardly. Do you mean broken her will or her mind, or what?- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"he seemed unbeatable in open combat": is it stated why he appeared this way?- No, this is just info from a plot sumarisation of Sword of the Empire, so will probably be expanded upon when that is released --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
"Denia sacrificed herself to weaken him": is it known in what way she did this?- No, for the same reason as above --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
"he believed in the Republic and what he was fighting for": well, what was he fighting for?- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
It's still a bit awkward; if you're going to mention that he believed in the Republic's ideals, you might as well state what the ideals were, which in this case is unnecessary. Perhaps saying he "sided with the Republic" would work better. You might also want to consider removing this altogether, unless you can state specifically why he lost hope. Did he turn to the dark side out of agony? If he did, please try to make it clearer.- I have tried to rephrase it the best I can, but I can't say specifically why he lost hope, because the source is pretty vague. However, I don't think it should be removed, as this still represents a key change in his personality, that is worthy of mention in P & T --Jinzler 21:21, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
- Added --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"However, as the conflict drew on, he increasingly lost hope in it, and eventually completely abandoned his belief in it after the Battle of Parein II 4." Reworded this myself a bit, but it's unclear as to what "it" is both times it is used.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"Draco was capable of caring": well, technically anyone in the world is "capable of caring." Please reword.- Fixed --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
"If they are captured or incapacitated by Draco’s Noghri commandos": who is "they"?- Clarified --Jinzler 21:36, 3 May 2009 (UTC)
- CC7567 (talk) 07:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
Last one: "but he threatened Demos that he would not be pleased with him with him if he failed to hand over Denia." It doesn't sound like a real threat; unless his displeasure had a real major significance, please reword this. Also, please check some of the remaining objections above.Other than that, it looks fine. CC7567 (talk) 00:49, 4 May 2009 (UTC)- Threat is inferred by his displeasure, but the source doesn't state anything specific that Draco planned to do if he was displeased, so I'm not sure if I can do anything about this --Jinzler 21:21, 4 May 2009 (UTC)
- The Anvil:
I don't think the {{youmay}} tag is necessary since we only usually use those for folks with the same first name."As he lay injured, he was attacked by a night hunter." What's a night hunter?- Added --Jinzler 17:15, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
"Accompanying him were three other Inquisitors who had been sent to help him, although they were unhappy about being pulled from their duties and placed under his command." Do we know who these three are?- Unfortuantely, their names are not revealed --Jinzler 17:15, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
- Cool with me.—Tommy9281 (No quarter given, all exits sealed) 20:16, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
- Cool with me.—Tommy9281
- Unfortuantely, their names are not revealed --Jinzler 17:15, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
- Otherwise, good job.—Tommy9281 (No quarter given, all exits sealed) 11:31, 19 May 2009 (UTC)
- Thank you for taking time to review it --Jinzler 17:15, 20 May 2009 (UTC)
Comments
- CC7567, I will try to fix the rest of your objections in a few days time, as I have got to go to work now --Jinzler 09:15, 2 May 2009 (UTC)
- Sword of the Empire has now been released, so I will add information from that some when soon --Jinzler 22:36, 7 May 2009 (UTC)
- Added --Jinzler 22:12, 8 May 2009 (UTC)
Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 18:56, 15 July 2009 (UTC)