Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Raana Tey

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Raana Tey

(6 Inqs/2 Users/8 Total)

Support

  1. Nominator. RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 18:12, 6 January 2008 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Thefourdotelipsis 06:39, 7 January 2008 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Graestan(Talk) 04:58, 17 January 2008 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 20:31, 24 January 2008 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote -- Darth Culator (Talk) 02:19, 27 January 2008 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Jaina Solo(Talk) 01:04, 28 January 2008 (UTC)
  7. Inqvote Yup. Greyman(Paratus) 23:52, 3 February 2008 (UTC)
  8. Toprawa and Ralltiir 04:05, 12 February 2008 (UTC)

Object

  1. The only real objection I can think of (having read the article prior to its FAN) is the last section of the Biography, "Returning to Taris". The prose is a bit on the ponderous side and there could be more subheadings added, (for instance, =|=Death=|=) for ease of reading.--Goodwood Redstarbird (Alliance Intelligence) 23:21, 6 January 2008 (UTC)
  2. Not sure which rule it's according to, but can you make sure that all the reference tags are placed consistently i.e. after the punctuation, instead of immediately before? Makes it look more professional. Also, "Final encounter at the scene of the crime"—something more concise would read better. Those two are all at a cursory glance. Harrar 21:46, 7 January 2008 (UTC)
  3. From the squalid cubicle of Graestan:
    • Intro could do to be shortened somewhat.
      • Chopped off a sentence and few words. Just say the word if more should be sliced. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 20:45, 10 January 2008 (UTC)
    • "However, a passing Jedi on the planet discovered the young girl and suspected Raana of having of what seemed to be nightmares, to be actually experiencing Force Visions."—Break up or clarify with punctuation.
    • If that's the word-for-word of the Prophesy, put it in quotes. Otherwise, convert it to the full past-tense observer.
    • If we capitalize "Knight," what about "knighting" or "knighthood?"
    • Quote in prose—bad. If you need it in there, use quotation marks and not a quote template.
      • Meh. Don't need the quote. Removed. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 20:45, 10 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Please either request that Culator use AWB or go over your linking.
      • I did that a while ago. Nothing is excessively linked. -- Darth Culator (Talk) 03:36, 11 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Oh, how I hate the word "endgame." Can you please rename that section?
    • Rather play-by-play. Could you revisit most of your prose in the bio, see if it cannot be summarized more? Also, pay closer attention to pronouns and whom they might be referring to when read by an outsider.
      • Not sure if I trimmed it enough but done anyway. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 04:05, 16 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Expand the BtS; basic appearance information, similar to that in other comic book characters, is a good start.
    • Graestan(Talk) 03:25, 9 January 2008 (UTC)
  4. From the desk of Atarumaster88
    • Not a big fan of the loose quotes in the intro.
    • Something's off with this sentence: "What the Jedi suspected turned to be true, and Krynda took it upon herself to help the young Togruta and was in desperate need of help who was at risk of losing her life." Read it over and let me know what you think.
      • Fixed.
    • Again, I don't like the quote of the prophecy formatted like that.
    • Remove this: "Only trouble was that these visions were not of anything pleasant." It doesn't read well and it sounds informal, not to mention POV.
    • "Raana Tey envisioned herself on Taris while Mandalorians and Sith invaded. Raana envisioned herself struck down from behind by an individual wielding a lightsaber" Repetition of opening three words needs varying.
    • In fact, the verb "envisioned" is the primary verb for three sentences in a row. Please change this.
    • "he group followed, though all they found were hordes of rakghouls and Gamorrean slavers. Q'Anilia rationalized that since the involvement of Marn Hierogryph, their senses had been clouded, and the accuracy of their visions regarding Zayne was becoming clouded." Please check this sentence also for ease of reading and understanding. Double use of "clouded" could be changed.
    • I think certain contractions, such as "she'd" are overused and their use should be minimized.
      • Only used twice and they have since been removed. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 17:05, 20 January 2008 (UTC)
    • The same goes with using the same non-linking verb multiple times within the same paragraph. (Doesn't apply to am, is, was, etc., but "clouded" or "envisioned", for example). It's generally preferred to use a more varied diction if possible.
      • Can't identify any points when this happens. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 17:05, 20 January 2008 (UTC)
    • "Raana's project involved using Lucien's father, the late Barrison Draay's company (the Draay Trust), to become involved in a consortium with other companies such as Czerka and Adascorp. " Unclear antecedents make it seem like the company is Lucien's father.
    • "She became unable to sleep, and the wariness she once possessed". Sounds like this sentence is missing some words.
    • Excessive linking, to Jarael, among others.
      • Checked the linking and only Jarael was linked twice unless I missed something. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 04:05, 16 January 2008 (UTC)
    • ", Gadon Thek of the Hidden Beks raised their weapons and ordered her to back off. " Incorrect pronouns here, and I'm not sure which is intended.
    • "Senator Goravvus emerged and asked Raana to stand down, believing it was the Beks and Zayne meant no harm." Check this over please, it doesn't read well.
    • "Zayne was down and unable to defend himself, with glass shards jabbed deeply into her face from throwing Zayne into the ceiling, she informed him of how she learned of the one who would bring the Order and Republic collapse. As she was about to deal a killing blow with her and Zayne's saber, a blue lightsaber blade pierced through her back as did in her vision on the Rogue Moon. Only the user of the saber was Shel Jelavan." This is just . . . unacceptable. Read it out loud. The clause starting "with glass shards" doesn't fit in place as it should. The second sentence should say "hers and Zayne's sabers" and the third sentence is a fragment.
    • Read the P&T well. It's the best written part of the article. I can't vote for this until everything matches that level of writing.This isn't an objection, but I struck it anywayAtarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 20:31, 24 January 2008 (UTC)
      • And I thought that it'd be the worst part. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 04:05, 16 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 01:00, 15 January 2008 (UTC)
  5. Toprawa says:
    • In the first two paragraphs, you use her full names in subsequent sentences. Unnecessary - use her full name in its initial mention, and then just shorten it to her last name for all following mentions
    • Same goes for the body of the article. Mention her full name initially, then only use her last name for all subsequent mentions. i.e., don't refer to her by her first name only as a matter of formality. It is okay, for example, to use her full name when starting off new subsections, but don't keep repeating it
      • Done. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 19:36, 2 February 2008 (UTC)
      • No...it was not done. I've taken the liberty of going through and doing it for you. Toprawa and Ralltiir 21:42, 2 February 2008 (UTC)
    • Apply that same rule to everyone else mentioned. Don't refer to them simply by their first names
      • Done. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 19:36, 2 February 2008 (UTC)
        • Again, you did little or nothing to remedy this. I've made the changes myself. Toprawa and Ralltiir 21:42, 2 February 2008 (UTC)
    • This sentence needs to be reworded: "What the Jedi suspected turned to be true, and Krynda took it upon herself to help the young Togruta and was in desperate need of help who was at risk of losing her life."
    • This line is missing something: "This vision was about The Prophecy of the Five where there would five individuals who would stand in the different alignments of the Force."
    • Minor article mixup: "Each other member envisioned similar events all committed by an being"
    • Rewrite: "Their students didn't refused to believe them,"
    • Rewrite the last portion of this sentence; seemingly too many "ands": "The chase then took to the sky as Tey, along with Lucien, Feln, and Xamar, chased Zayne and Hierogryph and through a nearby school."
    • Try to use a better description than "the place": "With Constable Sowrs and her forces in tow, the Covenant invaded the place known as Junk Junction."
    • You switch off between capitalizing "Rogue Moon" and not capitalizing it. Choose one (whatever the proper form is) for uniform--RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 20:44, 25 January 2008 (UTC)ity.
    • Dismiss the euphemistic language, just say "kill him": "Lucien retold the story of what had happened at the Knighting ceremony, and as he was about to end Zayne's life"
    • This last sentence is confusing and could be clarified: "Jarael and Zayne then escaped the tower and then Taris along with Camper and Gryph aboard the Last Resort, beginning a long chase around the galaxy to end the Sith threat."
    • Decap "Senator" in this instance: "Three weeks after the incident, riots began in the Lower City, and the Jedi could no longer preserve order with the constable's family taken captive and the Senator, Goravvus, missing."
    • Reword this: "Del and Dob Moomo, or simply the Moomo Brothers,"
      • Hm. Already done it seems. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 20:44, 25 January 2008 (UTC)
      • Done --Eyrezer 06:43, 25 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Remove the italicized print: "The two returned to their ship and contacted Tey about their captive. Tey became infuriated with the two and ordered them to stay awake and not to do anything"
      • Done --Eyrezer 06:43, 25 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Decap "Senator": "The Chancellor requested that she be assigned to find Taris' missing Senator"
      • Done --Eyrezer 06:43, 25 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Reword this sentence: "She became unable to sleep, and the wariness she once possessed"
    • Rephrase this sentence, abandoned what? And remove italics: "While the young Togruta claimed that they had abandoned it, the dead Padawans claimed that they never left it."
    • This sentence is thoroughly confusing: "Zayne was among the Padawans, and reminded her of his vision—the one who confesses lives."
    • Decap "Senator": "Raana managed to locate the missing Senator"
      • Done --Eyrezer 06:43, 25 January 2008 (UTC)
    • Decap "Senator": "Marn Hierogryph, also employed to search for the Senator,"
      • Done --Eyrezer 06:43, 25 January 2008 (UTC)
    • "Shady" is kind of POVish: "Before Goravvus and Jervo could discuss the matters of the shady dealings they had in the past,"
    • The section "Mandalorians and Sith" gets really play-by-play-ish. Try and rewrite some of those paragraphs.
      • Changed some words around to sum it up. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 19:36, 2 February 2008 (UTC)
        • The fourth and fifth paragraphs of that section still need some work, particularly the fourth. It becomes really exhausting to read with each sentence starting off the same way: "Tey did this...Goraavus did this...Thalien did this..." It sounds like I'm listening to a hockey game. Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:37, 8 February 2008 (UTC)
    • Remove the parentheses from this line. If it's important enough to put into the article, include it: "Raana was able to see far into the future, and though the details (like any Force Vision) were not completely clear, she was able to see her future death on Taris at the hands of a Sith Lord."
    • Rewrite, or at least correctly punctuate this sentence: "On the WatchCircle, she may have only been second in terms of combat to leader, Lucien Draay as he was able to best her and the other members during lightsaber training as Padawans on Coruscant"
    • You're more talented/knowledgeable about pictures than I, but just from what I've seen around, you might consider removing the text from her quote bubble in the infobox picture.Toprawa and Ralltiir 00:04, 17 January 2008 (UTC)
      • Kept in for context...as well as being that the text expands outside the bubble lines so it would like sloppy if I tried to remove it. --RedemptionRedemptionusersymbol(Talk) 17:22, 20 January 2008 (UTC)

Comments

Approved by Inquisitorius 19:00, 12 February 2008 (UTC)