Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Octa Ramis

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Octa Ramis

  • Nominated by: Cavalier OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 09:55, 26 May 2009 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: Finally finished! Will be sure to keep it updated for all future releases.

(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total/INQCON 5)

Support

  1. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:02, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Chack Jadson (Talk) 11:59, 24 July 2009 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote A very good article. Nice work. --Eyrezer 08:49, 30 July 2009 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Nice, Cav. CC7567 (talk) 23:20, 2 August 2009 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 02:46, 11 August 2009 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote -- Darth Culator (Talk) 23:55, 16 August 2009 (UTC)

Object

  1. Farlstendoiro time. FYI: I haven't read the bio after the YV war, as I haven't read those books yet.
    • The paragraph about Daeshara'cor looking for superweapons does not refer to Ramis, while giving too much context for something important for Daeshara'cor. How did Ramis helped Daeshara'cor? I see Daeshara'cor's motivations, but what's Ramis's? Is the Anakin Solo software stuff really important for Ramis? Or could it be simply "Anakin Solo and Mara Jade discovered Daeshara'cor's scheme and stopped her before she could do anything harmful"?
      • Basically, it's all background material. Ramis helps Daeshara'cor since they are friends (established in previous section) by using her skills to erase evidence of her superweapon search. So, therefore, the fact that Daeshara'cor was looking for superweapons becomes important and needs explanation. Also, the fact that Ramis's efforts were unsuccessful means that the existence of the computer program - and its relevance - need to be explained as well.
    • Daeshara'cor died during the battle of Ithor, but this is only related in a later section ("Holding back the night"); it should be mentioned under "The Defense of Ithor".
      • Normally, I would agree, but I couldn't find a way to put it into the relevant section without diverting from its flow. Placing it where it is currently seems like the best fit.
    • "Harried by coralskippers, her wingmen were killed as she secured the area around the corvette, aided by Quee activating a Yammosk-jammer to disrupt the Yuuzhan Vong's ability to coordinate their fighters." Grammatically confusing although correct. "aided by Quee" sounded like Quee aiding the wingmen to be killed. Proposal: "Harried by coralskippers, her wingmen were killed as she secured the area around the corvette. In this she was aided by Quee, who activated a Yammosk-jammer to disrupt the Yuuzhan Vong's ability to coordinate their fighters." And in fact, I'd rather describe the Yammosk-jammer functionality a little earlier, just after the link to Quee.
      • Done as per suggestion.
    • "Skywalker had assembled a group of Jedi—aided by Imperial support—to discover the location of the planet." The Imperial supported the group of Jedi during their mission? The Imperials aided Skywalker to assemble the group?
      • Hopefully clarified.
    • "Ramis was still on the planet when the Yuuzhan Vong moved against Mon Calamari." You mean on the planet Mon Calamari, not on Zonama Sekot, right? Could you please specify?
      • Specified.
    • "as the enemy withdrew from the engagement as they neared the planet of Mon Calamari itself." Two successive "as"'s (no pun intended). Could you replace one of them for something else? Also: Who's "they"?
      • Done, and done.
    • "The world featured strongly in their religion, and its sudden reappearance was seen as an omen of defeat. Conversely, the Shamed Ones, the lowest caste of Yuuzhan Vong society, saw the planet as a holy, sacred place, that was the key to their redemption. Its arrival triggered a rebellion on the planet." Again, the religion of whom? Is the 2nd line really relevant? A rebellion on Zonama Sekot or on Coruscant?
      • Again, the information is background material which I think is justified. Clarified on the other points.
    • The dogfight in living ships against the Vong mention "some" Jedi having difficulty to pilot, and others having a hard to to make the ships fire and so. Ramis belonged to which of those?
      • Its never specified which group she belonged to.
    • "by the suffering that her former instructors, Kam and Tionne Solusar suffered at". The suffering they suffered. Maybe replace suffering with affliction, anguish, distress, ordeal...?
      • Addressed.
    • Similarly: Powers and abilities. "Able" is used four times in seven lines. Maybe a synonym or two?
      • Addressed.
    • Great article. --Skippy Farlstendoiro 12:04, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
  2. One thing for you, Cav:
    • "Ramis spent much of her youth on a high-gravity world, before being recognized as a Force-sensitive" The high gravity world bit is just unnecessary and random, IMO. I'd appreciate it if you could remove it and work that sentence around then. Also, watch out for British spellings, though I think I got them all. :P
      • Removed and reworked.
    • Good work. Chack Jadson (Talk) 12:27, 20 July 2009 (UTC)
  3. Eyrezer:
    • "Taking control of the hulk of a freighter destroyed by the Yuuzhan Vong, he sent it hurtling towards the coralskipper" I think this was done using the Force. If so, please add this detail.
      • You are correct, Sir. Corrected.
    • You mention the Langhesi on Sekot. This is reffed to The Unifying Force, but the Langhesi article doesn't have TUF as a source, nor does TUF list them in its appearances. Is this an oversight by other articles, or do you need to ref their presence to Rogue Planet?
      • Nice catch. Must of missed that, and used Jabitha's article for info. Added the ref.
    • "Each Jedi had then bonded with their seed-partners, living organisms that would grow to become their new vessels." Is it "had then" or "then"? The first could work but sounds a little odd.
      • Went with the second one.
    • "While the Masters Skywalker infiltrated the nest in their StealthX fighters" Is this referring to Luke and Mara? Or is it a mistake?
      • Refers to both of them - they're refered to as the "Masters Skywalker" in later novels.
    • My one other concern is that the Second Galactic Civil War section is pretty large, considering Ramis gets only very minor mentions. I don't think she gets mentioned at all in paras 1-3 of that section. Is it possible to condense that further? --Eyrezer 04:54, 30 July 2009 (UTC)
      • This was a concern of mine as well, and original drafts were longer that this. I've pared it down a little. - Cavalier OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 08:44, 30 July 2009 (UTC)

Comments

    • Sorry if this sounds picky, Cav, but do you reckon you could standardise the paragraph size a little? If doing so detracts from the flow, don't bother, but they come in all shapes and sizes at the moment. Otherwise it looks great; I'll give it a read-through and a proper review soon. Also, regarding future releases, I hope she dies :P There are too many long-running Jedi Council members! -- —Harrar (Villip) 16:18, 27 May 2009 (UTC)

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 23:54, 16 August 2009 (UTC)