Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Mission to Coruscant (Desolator crisis)

The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Mission to Coruscant (Desolator crisis)

• Nominated by: Cade Calrayn 21:31, September 7, 2012 (UTC)
• Nomination comments: Two/three days of writing in Notepad, and voilá.

(4 Inqs/2 Users/6 Total)

Support

1. Plagueis327 (talk) 21:38, September 23, 2012 (UTC)
2. IFYLOFD ^{(Floyd's crib)} 01:39, October 8, 2012 (UTC)
3. Cavalier One^{(Squadron channel)} 09:20, November 13, 2012 (UTC)
4. CC7567 ^(talk) 22:23, December 5, 2012 (UTC)
5. 1358 ^(Talk) 01:56, December 16, 2012 (UTC)
6. Nice job.—Jedi Kasra ("Indeed.") 06:27, December 23, 2012 (UTC)

Object

Flyby

• There are way, way, way too many images. Please remove some. CC7567 ^(talk) 23:08, September 7, 2012 (UTC)
  • Better? Cade Calrayn 00:30, September 8, 2012 (UTC)

Quick one

• I'm pretty sure {{Campaign}} would work better for this; then you could move all of those concurrent events to the "major battles" field. Darth Trayus^{(Trayus Academy)} 23:57, September 16, 2012 (UTC)
  • Really? Campaign is kind of a limbo template—the preload makes a navbox-like template, and the code on the actual template page is the same as {{Battle}} with an extra field. Besides, the Mission is actually a mission—the Knight was sent to the planet with the express purpose of figuring out what was the dark presence. Cade Calrayn 00:06, September 17, 2012 (UTC)
    • I would recommend using the campaign infobox, as those "concurrent" events really aren't concurrent; rather, they comprise multiple facets of this lengthy mission. Although it might be a bit of a stretch to call the mission a campaign, the infobox doesn't necessarily indicate as much. It just better organizes the fields. The way it's set up now leads a reader to infer that those other "concurrent" events are separate from the mission, much like two battles of a war that happen to occur simultaneously, but hold no direct relation to one another. The infoboxes of those smaller events all indicate that they were part of the mission, so it makes sense in terms of hierarchical organization. Darth Trayus^{(Trayus Academy)} 02:04, September 19, 2012 (UTC)
      • Fair point. Fixed. Cade Calrayn 06:10, September 19, 2012 (UTC)

Floyd

• Infobox is not fully sourced.
  • Done.
    • Still not fully sourced. IFYLOFD ^{(Floyd's crib)} 02:22, October 7, 2012 (UTC)
      • Done. Cade Calrayn 02:49, October 7, 2012 (UTC)
• How did the Treaty of Coruscant leave the Republic at a disadvantage? Context plz.
  • Section rewritten.
• Could use a solid copyedit.
  • Rewrote several sections, and completely expanded the intro.
• HUMAN IS CAPITALIZED DAMN YOU
  • Done.
• Linking is again a problem.
  • Relinked.
• "Furious, Salarr turned to confront the Jedi, but Nidaljo's unit burst into the room at that moment and shot the Black Sun member who was about to shoot the Knight in the back." Link for this Black Sun member? Or was it Salarr? If so, rewrite it to make it more clear.
  • It's a default copyclone of most other Black Sun members, so no article in my opinion, but the section's been rewritten. Cade Calrayn 22:04, October 5, 2012 (UTC)
• IFYLOFD ^{(Floyd's crib)} 22:10, October 4, 2012 (UTC)

Cav

• The conversation was ended when Agent Galen of the Strategic Information Service, the Republic's primary intelligence agency, arrived with news. - what news? I know you detail it in the next paragraph, but a little note on the nature of the info here is needed.
  • Done.
• While the crisis on Coruscant with the deactivation of the Planet Prison, the mission would have far-reaching consequences. - I think there's some missing words here.
  • Done.
• Ref tag 24 is undefined: "Cite error: Invalid <ref> tag; no text was provided for refs named The_Architect_of_Annihilation"
  • Fixed.
    • Take a little care - you missed the closing ref tag off the reference.
• Ref tag 25 references to Wookieepedia CTs and discussions; this needs to link to the appropriate pages.
  • Relinking fail. Fixed.
• Your linking is an issue. Multiple unlinked items were in the BTS, for example. As it is, I think links to the missions mentioned on Taris, etc, need to be added. - Cavalier One^{(Squadron channel)} 10:17, November 7, 2012 (UTC)
  • It seems my relinking of the BTS kind of failed. Relinked again! Cade Calrayn 18:36, November 7, 2012 (UTC)

Attack of the Clone

• Is "Republic SIS office" in the infobox meant to be "officers"?
  • Nope, it's the SIS agents and analysts in the Coruscant office.
    • It should ideally be "Republic SIS office…workers," or agents, or something to clarify that it's people; otherwise, it might sound like it belongs under the "Combatants" sections as an organization instead of as part of the Republic's forces. CC7567 ^(talk) 07:56, November 30, 2012 (UTC)
      • Done. Cade Calrayn 19:03, December 21, 2012 (UTC)
• "As the Republic scrambled to secure the jeopardized weapon projects from the Empire": is there more than one weapon project? Up until here, only the Planet Prison has been mentioned, so please clarify.
  • Done.
• Please clarify in the intro that Tarnis was undercover as a "Republic" scientist; he's only ever introduced as either a scientist or a Sith Lord.
  • Done.
• It's not quite clear early on in the body what Tarnis intends to do with the Planet Prison. Does he intend to steal it for himself and use it against the Republic, or something else entirely? This should be made clear at the end of the Prelude when Tarnis gets mentioned. That will make it clearer why "Tarnis sensed that he was running out of time" later on.
  • Clarified.
• Also, in the "Deception" section, the purpose of Tarnis' deception isn't quite clear either. Why was he having the plans stolen? This will probably be fixed with the preceding objection, but I just want to make sure it gets addressed. Everything about Tarnis' plans regarding the Planet Prison should be mentioned as soon as we know them (in the chronological order of the article).
  • Added.
• "However, during this time Tarnis had been busy." Being a bit picky: perhaps colloquial isn't the right word, but this sounds a bit too colloquial in the vein in which you've been writing up until here. I think it would sound and flow better if you start this paragraph off saying, "While the Knight was raiding the warehouse" or "Following the Knight's departure, Tarnis put the second part of his plan into motion" or something similar.
  • Done.
• When you say the Knight "left [them] to the CSF" or something similar (at least twice in the "Recovery attempts" section), do you mean that the CSF took these people into custody, or that the adversaries were still fighting and the Knight left it up to the CSF to finish them off? If it's known in either case, this should be clarified.
  • Done.
• "for the upcoming rescue mission": to retrieve Tarnis? It hasn't been clarified yet that he was at Black Sun headquarters, or that the Republic tracked him there. Please rectify.
  • Done. Also, the stuff about Zeer explains how the Republic knows where Tarnis is.
• There are some parts of the article that, I feel, can be written from a more character-neutral POV instead of focusing on the Knight in certain places. Since this is an event article, the article needs to follow the chronological series of events as closely as possible instead of focusing on how the events happen to a single character (in this case, the Knight). One example is when you say that "the Jedi and T7-O1 found Nidaljo and his men trapped behind a hastily erected barricade"; it should be first mentioned chronologically that Nidaljio and his men were fighting Black Sun, and then stated that the Jedi and T7-O1 arrived to help. Another instance is this: "In Conference Room 2-Aurek, the young Jedi found Din and Kiwiiks already in conversation with General Suthra, Kira Carsen, and Doctor Tarnis." It should be first mentioned that Din and Kiwiiks were already talking with them, and then stated that the Knight arrived. I would also suggest doing the same for Tarnis' holographic conversation with Salarr, though that's up to you since it's less of an issue. Please check the rest of the article for this, and also try to check for linking as well. I'll continue with "A traitor revealed" once these have been fixed. CC7567 ^(talk) 17:03, November 22, 2012 (UTC)
  • Done. Cade Calrayn 05:13, November 30, 2012 (UTC)
• "Fortunately for Coruscant, the Planet Prison was not yet fully charged, so the two Jedi were able to disable it and return to the Senate Building safely." WP:NPOV—it's usually a blanket rule to avoid using "fortunately"/"unfortunately" regardless of what source material says. I realize how it might be "fortunate" for Coruscant, but that isn't the case for all involved parties—definitely not for Tarnis. Please rectify.
  • Done.
• Can {{TORweb}} be used for ref 20?
  • Done.
• Quotation marks outside of punctuation, please.
  • Done.
• As with Fideltin Rusk, please expand on ref 25 to explain the decision behind treating light-side choices as canon. I would also recommend taking some time to do the same to your other articles where necessary. CC7567 ^(talk) 22:12, December 5, 2012 (UTC)
  • Done. Cade Calrayn 22:20, December 5, 2012 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 12:39, December 23, 2012 (UTC)