Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Massacre on Doan

The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Massacre on Doan

• Nominated by: Jonjedigrandmaster ^{(Jedi Beacon)} 15:16, December 24, 2009 (UTC)
• Nomination comments: The opening event in Dynasty of Evil, and my first nom in a while

(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total)

Support

1. IFYLOFD ^{(Floyd's crib)} 01:23, January 13, 2010 (UTC)
2. Jedi Kasra (comlink) 23:03, January 14, 2010 (UTC)
3. Grand Moff Tranner ^(Comlink) 01:25, February 6, 2010 (UTC)
4. CC7567 ^(talk) 23:32, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
5. A little rust, maybe, but highly interesting. — Fiolli ^{{Alpheridies University ComNet}} 22:55, February 11, 2010 (UTC)
6. Chack Jadson ^(Talk) 23:41, February 14, 2010 (UTC)

Object

1. Floyd does some Floyd-related things:
   • "Gerran's wife, Serra, became depressed, and her bodyguard, Lucia, decided to hire the assassin known as the Huntress to assassinate Gelba, the miners' leader." Please split up/reword; there are too many commas and therefore reads somewhat unwieldy.
     • Addressed.
   • "The next day, Doan's King agreed with Serra that she should travel to the Jedi Temple to ensure the Jedi that the Royal Family hadn't been behind the attack." Please contextify; no indication was given in the intro that anyone suspected the Royal Family was behind the attack.
     • Contextified.
   • The second paragraph of the intro generally doesn't flow well.
     • Hopefully addressed.
   • " Tandar drew his lightsaber, but as he reached out with the Force it felt strange and cold to him, like a punch in the gut" Punch in the gut; could less colloquial language be used here?
     • Addressed.
   • That's all. Nice job. IFYLOFD ^{(Floyd's crib)} 02:13, January 12, 2010 (UTC)
     • Thanks for the review! Jonjedigrandmaster ^{(Jedi Beacon)} 02:31, January 12, 2010 (UTC)
2. Attack of the Clone
   • "to ensure the Jedi that the Royal Family hadn't been behind the attack": I'm not so sure that this is the best word choice here; "ensure" is usually used for an action, not to convince someone of something. Issue in the intro as well as the body.
     • My mistake, taken care of.
   • Can you eliminate the numerous "meanwhile"s in the Aftermath somehow?
     • Cut it down to one.
   • Please watch which clauses you link in sentences, especially when they're not all directly related to and don't affect one another. Other than that, fine work. CC7567 ^(talk) 22:56, February 8, 2010 (UTC)
     • Noted; and thanks for the review! Jonjedigrandmaster ^{(Jedi Beacon)} 23:24, February 8, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

• Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 23:41, February 14, 2010 (UTC)