Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Dlarit estate

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Dlarit estate

  • Nominated by: Hunter Kahn 17:25, August 26, 2010 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: As per the above nom. This is a really short one. I originally expected this to be a GA nom, but it turned out to exceed the FA word limit, so I figured I'd try bringing it here first. Thanks!

(4 Inqs/2 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. Inqvote It has come a long way. 45 kilometers, in fact. — Fiolli 19:35, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Cylka-talk- 04:46, October 19, 2010 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Green Tentacle (Talk) 17:53, October 28, 2010 (UTC)
  4. Menkooroo 17:16, October 29, 2010 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote --Eyrezer 09:22, November 9, 2010 (UTC)
  6. ~ SavageBob 05:43, November 12, 2010 (UTC)

Object

Quotes

*I think you need more quotes. While this isn't an official FA rule, it would be better to have a quote in every section.--ID-21 Dolphin 01:27, September 13, 2010 (UTC)

    • I try for a quote in every section too, but honestly, I couldn't find any other quotes that pertained specifically to the Dlarit estate. — Hunter Kahn 04:22, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • Here's a suggestion: the article Raid on Dlarit Estate has a whole bunch of quotes, maybe you could use one of those in the "history" section. Maybe you can find original places to get quotes. But I agree, it isn't as obvious as with most other articles.--ID-21 Dolphin 23:12, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
        • This worked well for the history section, and I added a quote there. Unfortunately though, there really aren't any articles pertaining to the description or the security of the place. Unfortunately, nobody says anything about the house itself except for the fact that Wessiri felt uncomfortable killing Aerin there (which is the lead article quote). Nobody even says so much as "Nice place" in the book, unfortunately. — Hunter Kahn 03:39, September 14, 2010 (UTC)
          • Just to let you know for the future, don't stress yourself out with trying to find quotes for every section, if they aren't readily available. Cylka-talk- 04:46, October 19, 2010 (UTC)
Fiolli's Famous Pasta Bowl

First off, I tried to go through and broaden my use of {{sofixit}} initially, as the article was underlinked, there was one or two word context that was missing for key terms, and there were two-sentence paragraphs. That said, there is still work to be done on this short article.

  • "A thick swarm of akonije trees and other forest life…" "Swarm" is not an appropriate word for trees. Please reword this, unless the source explicitly uses that word. (Even then, I'd find a more common phrase that was still canonically appropriate.)
    • Having trouble thinking of a better word, so I settled on "gathering". I guess "group" would also work too. Any other suggestions are more than welcome. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • I don't have the source available right now. Would "dense area" of trees fit with the canon and not be speculative? — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • Sounds fine to me. Changed. — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
  • "…which was set on a small knoll at the foot of high mountains that had once been part of an extinct volcano." The nature of this sentence makes this like a run-on. Plus, that was copied directly from the source. Please break it up and provide some original wording.
    • I broke it into two sentences. Let me know if the wording needs more work. Very sorry about the copying; usually when I'm doing an FA I copy all the material I can find into a Notepad file, then use those notes when writing the article. I guess some of the original wording transferred into the article during this process, but I try very hard not to let that happen, and will try even harder in the future. I take plagiarism very seriously. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • As it stands now, there are two 'which' clauses and a couple of words missing. Can this be straightened out some more? — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • Better now? — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Waterfalls cascaded down the mountains to the rear of the mansion, creating a visually gorgeous[POV] backdrop that made the Dlarit estate resemble a paradise to onlookers,[Who?] especially[POV] when viewed from the front exposure." The two things marked for POV require tweaking. "Gorgeous," where it stands, violates the NPoV, and the "especially" implies a more preferred approach. Tie these into the onlookers. Speaking of them, who are the onlookers? Please clarify this point. Was it locals? Humans? The mercenaries?
    • I had wanted to avoid explaining exactly who felt this way about the view, since the mercs wouldn't actually be mentioned until later in the article. But you are obviously right about the problems here, so I've treid to address them. Let me know if this works. — Hunter Kahn
      • I understand not wanting to spoil the climax of the story, but it is an encyclopedic article, so something does have to give. It is better now, but a few things still remain. "The result was a backdrop that even[POV] mercenaries who later infiltrated teh[sp?] Dlarit estate in 7 ABY noticed to be visually impressive, with one nothing it resembled[???] a paradise when viewed from the front exposure." — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • Dropped the even, fixed the "teh" misspelling, and fixed the "nothing" to "noting" typo. — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Forty-five kilometers of twisting single-lane track connected the estate to a main throughway to the south…" This is another instance of plagiarism. Please reword it. There is no excuse for this. Also, the use of "interdicting" in the context of the gates and outcroppings should be changed, as well.
    • Again, my explanation is above, but you're right, it's no excuse. I've reworded it, and subbed out the word interdicting. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • Even though I run the risk of sounding snarky or badgering, I was expecting more creativity in word variance and order with those two sentences. Try something like "A single track meandered…" (or whatever) to make it starkly different from the original prose but retaining the same conveyance. — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • Changed it slightly, although if you want to tweak it yourself, by all means have at it. — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
          • I moved a few things around. — Fiolli 19:34, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
  • "A large clearing between the rain forests and mansion structure served as a front yard of sorts for the Dlarit estate." The phrase "front yard of sorts" is awkward. Was it a front yard? Is this term in the source? It seems like speculation is being put here to make it seem like a common house.
    • Dropped the "of sorts". Honestly, I'm not sure why I put it there in the first place, to be honest... — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • If I remember correctly, it is not referred to in any way as a yard, though. Please double check this. — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • It's not explicitly described as a "yard" in so many words. I guess I just figured if it looked and sounded like a duck, I could describe it as such. But I've reworded this and dropped the yard reference altogether. — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
          • I understand the connection, but I think the wording of it in the prose makes this too much of a leap. — Fiolli 19:34, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
  • "From there, a stairway leads[Tense] to the main floor, where a large hallways[Article-noun agreement] includes[Tense] several doors to the mansion's various rooms. That floor[Clarify] includes[Tense] the private office of Aerin Dlarit, which includes[Tense] a high-backed chair and a desk with a built-in holoprojector plate. The plate displays[Tense] a slowly rotating meter-tall hologram replica of a statue of Aerin Dlarit atop a pedestal surrounded by throngs of well-wishers applauding at the base" This paragraph needs to be rewritten. First, serious tense issues. Next, is it one hallway or multiple in that first sentence? Article-noun agreement does not exist right now. After that, please clarify what "floor" is being discussed. Next, there are too many instances of the verb "to include" in that short span. Please vary the wording.
  • "…already served as a natural defense…" The source says "sheltered" and not defended by the nature. It proved to be an obstacle, but that was it. Please reword this.
  • "…but it was further reinforced by multiple elaborate security measures…" What is the "it?" The estate or the defense(s)?
  • "This would prove to be a majority security weakness…" First, "would" in this usage is not past tense. It is a conditional present tense requiring a present or future subjunctive clause. Next, "majority" does not work in this context, either.
  • "…in part due to the muted sensor arrays there." This does not come from the source. Nothing says that the Humans (which, by the way, should always be capitalized and linked upon first instance) were focusing on the waterfalls because of the gap in the sensor coverage.
    • I'm pretty sure that is what is conveyed in the novel, but I've removed it nonetheless. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • I don't believe the information should be outright removed. It is worth noting, but do not connect the dots. State that they were where a gap was; just don't state that such was the reason for them being there. If the readers assume, then fine. Otherwise, just report every detail of the facts. This is one that is worth having. — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • Well, the security section does mention the muted sensor arrays as it stands right now. If you feel something more should be readded, could you be a bit more specific on what you had in mind? — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
          • After rereading it, I'm satisfied with how it works. — Fiolli 19:34, October 4, 2010 (UTC)
  • "…and thus were able to afford the costly home and its upkeep." I could not find this in the source. Does the source actually state that the fortune from Xucphra Corp. actually allowed the upkeep to be paid?
    • The source doesn't say it, but as it is a huge mansion and includes armed security and staff, I felt it wasn't OR to make this leap. But if you feel that is OR, I'll drop it, or feel free to do so yourself. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • I'd say to drop it. There's nothing that says how much the upkeep cost, how it was paid, etc. Making a leap like that falls strongly, in my opinion, into OR. — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • It's gone. — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
  • "…who would eventually become a pilot…" Again, tense.
  • "…become a pilot for the New Republic's elite Rogue Squadron and a highly-placed spy for Imperial Intelligence chief Ysanne Isard." Seeing as the spy was her formal position and the pilot was only part of her operations, reword this to reflect that. Right now, it comes off as her being a Rebel before giving the reader a double-take.
  • "They sliced into planetary computers and conducted surveillance on the mansion using satellites…" Who is "they?" Different people did different things, if I recall correctly.
  • "At the suggestion of Iella Wessiri…" Wait! Where did she come from? Context required somewhere. Also, the rest of the sentence is a run-on. Please break it up and reword it.
    • Added context and broke into two sentences. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • Okay, but now… "But…" I understand a transitional appositive is needed, but this word doesn't work. — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
        • Does simply dropping the "but" and keeping everything else in place work? I've tried it... — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
  • Some other general things:
    • The infobox says that it is affiliated with the Xucphra Corporation, but this is absent from the article. Please explain in the prose if this is from the source. Also, shouldn't it have something with the defense force on Thyferra?
      • Added the Thyferran Home Defense Corps to the infobox. And is the information about the Xucphra Corporation and the Dlarit family's ties to it not sufficient explanation? — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
        • How is the building directly related to Xucphra other than the fact that Dlarit lived there? — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
          • Well, the Dlarits role in Isard's movement on Thyferra was as much a Zucphra enterprise as it was a THDC enterprise. My feeling is that their affiliation with those groups is enough to warrant listing both of them under Dlarit estate's affiliation, especially considering the raid on Dlarit estate was a direct result of those affiliations. If you don't agree, though, I'd say we should remove both Xucphra and THDC from the infobox and just leave "Dlarit family" there... — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
            • I've decided to simply remove them, because after rereading the novel, I cannot find anything that says that the corporations were directly connected other than through Dlarit's positions. If those groups met there, or such, then I would say to keep. Otherwise, I'm keeping them out.
    • Nothing about ownership of the estate in the "description" section? A mention is warranted here.
      • I moved it from "History" to "Description", where I combined it with the first sentence that was in the section. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
        • In the "History" section, it is very abrupt. Can this be made more smooth? Also, the "Description" section is left with a fragment. Either use it to reinforce the information or eliminate it. — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 03:15, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
          • I fixed the fragment (at least I think I did, but the one I saw was in "History", not "Description"). As for the rest of what your suggestion, about the abruptness, can you be more specific? Which part in particular are you referring to? — Hunter Kahn 03:53, September 21, 2010 (UTC)
    • With all the information within the novel about the raid, I think a touch more context could be added to make it seem less glossed-over. As far as over-arching detail, that part is not poorly done. It just needs a touch of refinement.
      • Frankly, the reason I wrote it that way was because I was trying very hard not to keep the focus of this article on the building itself, not the raid. Since the raid is so closely associated with the building, I was worried that this article was at risk of becoming a duplicate of Raid on Dlarit estate, where the raid is obviously discussed in detail. With all that being said, if you feel it needs refinement, I could really use some more specific guidance and suggestions. — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
    • Lastly for this section: Please make sure all sentences are double-checked for plagiarism. Seeing two things above, I'm not certain that I caught everything. Also, consider yourself warned about this for future articles (including those on the nomination page now). I had planned to review this one with the raid article, so we'll see what happens as time passes.
      • Didn't catch any more passages. But of course, I missed the ones that were there in the first place. I'm very appreciative you caught these, and just want to assure you again that this was not deliberate. I'm a reporter in real life, so as you can imagine, plagiarism is a sin I strive very hard not to commit... — Hunter Kahn 03:02, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
  • Okay, I'll address everything more later. Have a good day and good luck. — Fiolli {Alpheridies University ComNet} 01:36, September 13, 2010 (UTC)
Cylka
  • Context needed for Iella Wessiri in the intro.
    • Added. — Hunter Kahn 01:19, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
      • In the intro you have introduce Wessiri as a smuggler, but in the main article, she is a former New Republic official. You can't have intro exclusive information.
        • Fixed. — Hunter Kahn 05:52, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
  • I would consider removing Wedge from the article as you would need context as to why he, specifically, was involved and wanted to retake Thyferra.
    • Done. — Hunter Kahn 01:19, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
  • A little bit of context needed for the Vratix.
    • Added context with similar language to that in the raid article. Let me know if it's too much. — Hunter Kahn 01:19, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
  • Is there enough information to create an article for the coup on Thyferra that led to the Bacta War?
    • I would say probably not. The coup itself occurred off-screen (as it were), and was only described as having happened in X-wing: The Bacta War, with no details provided as to how it specifically went down. Lacking that detail, I think the actual Bacta War article would cover it better. — Hunter Kahn 01:19, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
      • Ok. It may be worth adding to the Bts of the Bacta War article that it was only mentioned in the source. This may prevent problems in the future. Cylka-talk- 02:58, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
  • Nicely written article. Cylka-talk- 06:09, October 17, 2010 (UTC)
    • 'Twas aided greatly by Fiolli's help. Thanks for the review, Cylka! — Hunter Kahn 01:19, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
Green Tentacle
  • Zaltin needs linking and contextifying on the first mention, not the second.
    • Fixed. — Hunter Kahn 04:09, October 28, 2010 (UTC)
  • Isn't there a better description of Iella than smuggler? Former New Republic agent or something? Green Tentacle (Talk) 19:29, October 26, 2010 (UTC)
    • Sounds good to me! Changed. — Hunter Kahn 04:09, October 28, 2010 (UTC)
Eyrezer
  • "which were once part of an extinct volcano." It was once an extinct volcano? Shouldn't it be either "once a volcano" or a now "extinct volcano"? What would a once extinct volcano be?
    • I'm not sure how to fix this. The source simply says it was once "part of an extinct volcano". I'd assume that means the volcano is now extinct, but don't think I should jump to any conclusions. — Hunter Kahn 14:46, October 31, 2010 (UTC)
      • Well, the question is whether the "once" is part of the quotation or not. You haven't included it in your previous comment. --Eyrezer 18:55, October 31, 2010 (UTC)
        • It is. "had once been part of an extinct volcano". — Hunter Kahn 13:55, November 1, 2010 (UTC)
          • Oh well, can't argue with the canon wording. --Eyrezer 09:00, November 2, 2010 (UTC)
  • We don't have a Layout Guide specifically for this article type, however, previous FAs on buildings, such as 500 Republica, Cliffhold and Han Solo's sky house, have all included an Inhabitants/Occupants section. I feel this article should follow like-wise. The first three lines of the History section could be moved to this, with bios for Aerin and Erisi expanded. --Eyrezer 02:49, October 31, 2010 (UTC)
    • I don't necessarily have a problem with this, but could I have a bit more guidance regarding how much of an expansion of their bios I should use? In other words, how much from Erisi's life I should add? I tried to keep what's there now strictly to her association to the estate, since that's the subject of the article, and to that end there's not really anything else to add. And regarding Aerin Dlarit, there really just isn't much more in general to say about him... — Hunter Kahn 14:46, October 31, 2010 (UTC)
      • Sure. I think it is fine with Erisi to go beyond her connection with the estate and include, say three or four additional sentences about her career. You can also include in this section something about the servants that worked there, which are mentioned elsewhere in the article. What I am not asking for is something in this style. --Eyrezer 18:55, October 31, 2010 (UTC)
        • Sounds good, I'll work on this tonight. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 13:55, November 1, 2010 (UTC)
          • Sorry this took me longer than I expected, things have been a bit hectic lately. Let me know what you think. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 05:03, November 9, 2010 (UTC)
Prepare to be savaged...
  • Are there no quotes for the "Description" section? The raiders apparently remarked on its beauty. Perhaps something like that? ~ SavageBob 05:34, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
    • Sorry, realize someone else brought this up. Retracted. ~ SavageBob 05:43, November 12, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 07:18, November 12, 2010 (UTC)