Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Daric LaRone (redux review)

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a Reduxed Featured article. The result of the discussion was Featured article status lost. Please do not modify the page.

Daric LaRone (redux review)

  • Redux comments: Reduxed per INQ Meeting 45. Large updates from Choices of One requiring re-review. Addition of "talents and abilities" section may be in order.
  • Date added: October 25, 2011
  • Changes since last review: diff

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Support

Object

Jangworth
  • Glancing through the article, certain sections could have an image or two. One large image does not seem sufficient for the biography.
  • Under linking and various grammar issues, such as usage of commas, are also apparent throughout.
  • In the infobox image, who is LaRone? It currently shows three stormtroopers, although there's no indication on who is who.
  • Could we find a way to integrate that short line "He had two younger brothers." in the intro with another sentence? Too choppy right there.
  • In the intro alone at the moment, context needed for—Reprisal, New Order, Teardrop, Drunost, Janusar, Shelkonwa, Mara Jade, Poln Major
  • "Confronted by Imperial Security Bureau Major Drelfin over his tacit refusal to kill the civilians, he was forced to murder Drelfin in self-defense." Clarification is needed. What caused him to kill Drelfin? Did the Major attack or what?
  • "He and fellow stormtroopers Korlo Brightwater, Taxtro Grave, Saberan Marcross, and Joak Quiller took an ISB-modified Suwantek TL-1800, the Gillia, and fled, intending to go the Outer Rim Territories." Was their reason to flee connected to Drelfin's murder? If so, were those stormtroopers present or did LaRone recruit them? Not sure why those stormtroopers were mentioned so sudden.
  • IIRC, wasn't the Hand of Judgment crucial and/or a personal-driven organization to LaRone? It seems rather important to mention this while introducing him in the beginning of the intro, instead of later mentioning that LaRone christened them as the deserting Hand of Judgment in the middle of the intro.
  • Prior to LaRone's meeting with Luke, Han, and Chewie, could we get a mention that LaRone and the others deserted their service to the Empire? It is rather important, especially since the intro states "ex-stormtroopers."
  • "After learning the identity of him and his men, Jade let them go and the five stormtroopers made their way across the galaxy intent on aiding other Imperial citizens." How did she learn it? And I assume you mean "ex-stormtrooper." :P
  • Speaking of ex-stormtrooper, could we find a way to vary up the term throughout the intro?
  • "to seize control of the system after pitting the Rebel Alliance and Empire against each other" What system?
  • "When Jade caught wind of the plot, she rescued Ferrouz and Rebel ambassador named Vestin Axlon and gave them a temporary reprieve while they deal with Esva." Confused about this sentence, did Ferrouz and Axlon dealt with Esva? I'm not sure what "while they" is referring to.
  • The biography should introduce who LaRone is prior to mentioning anything else. His date of birth, species, gender, ect. Also, while nitpicky, is it necessary to separate "Early service" from "Going Rogue"? There's not too much information for two sections imo.
  • Context for Teardrop in "Early service."
  • "The other stormtroopers who witnessed the event—Saberan Marcross, Taxtro Grave, Joak Quiller, and Korlo Brightwater, along with LaRone— realized that not only were their careers in the military over, but their lives would probably also be taken in any subsequent investigation, stole the Gillia, a Suwantek TL-1800 that had been specially modified by the ISB, and fled Reprisal." The sentence read fine until "stole the Gillia." Please double check the grammar here.
  • That's it for now. JangFett (Talk) 02:26, September 3, 2012 (UTC)

Comments

  • A reminder that if this passes, it should be added to the queue, per Inq Meeting 42 (This was a failed RFAN). Menkooroo 07:30, November 5, 2011 (UTC)
    • Based on my current availability on Wookieepedia, I am not working this article and will not in the future. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 04:15, September 17, 2012 (UTC)

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)

  1. Inqvote Jang's objections are a month old. Kudos to Ataru for updating it after Choices came out, but the update and the article as a whole need a good 2012 copy-edit --- as an example, as Jang pointed out, the beginning of the bio follows from the intro rather than establishing everything anew. The Choices stuff in the bio additionally needs quotes. Ataru has indicated he's unable to take care of the article. Menkooroo (talk) 00:16, October 4, 2012 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote CC7567 (talk) 00:17, October 4, 2012 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote 1358 (Talk) 18:56, October 9, 2012 (UTC)