Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Chantique

< Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations
The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Chantique

  • Nominated by: Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 19:31, October 26, 2010 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: I'm a little rusty, so don't expect much...

(4 Inq/2 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. Nice article. Demagol's family... cool.--Lord David 16:10, October 30, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Really well-done. Menkooroo 04:41, January 29, 2011 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Green Tentacle (Talk) 22:16, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Sorry I took so long to get back to this. Good work. Jonjedigrandmaster (Talk) 22:18, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote—Tommy 9281 Friday, February 18, 2011, 02:38 UTC
  6. Inqvote 1358 (Talk) 13:42, March 2, 2011 (UTC)

Object

Yamamoto Kansai:
  • "She was born under the name Kessarah on the Core World of Osadia, and spent her childhood at the New Generation Academy on the planet." Please rewrite this sentence so that it flows better with the rest of the paragraph.
    • Alrighty, give it a look-see.
  • "To her dismay, Edessa had fled The Crucible and gone into hiding," This seems like it was to Edessa's dismay. Is that so?
    • Nope, I've adjusted it for clarity.
  • "Shortly after, Carrick undertook a mission to bring down The Crucible" No article for this mission?
    • Not that I've seen. I'm unsure as to whether or not it should receive an article—I'll check with Kasra and see what his opinion is on it. He knows the era better than I and I'd like a second opinion on this before I go ahead and create it.
      • Hokay, so for reasons found here and here, Kasra and I don't really believe this event (that being the best word either of us could think to call it) should get an article of its own. So I won't redlink it or anything like that. I did take out the word "mission" though and try to streamline that whole chunk of sentences. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 06:19, January 19, 2011 (UTC)
  • Rewrite the first sentence of the bio and call her Kessarah from jump street. Don't start with calling her Chantique at this point at all because it doesn't apply yet.
    • Done.
  • Actually, I take issue with the entire first paragraph of the bio. I understand the need for context, but it really isn't even about her; its only mention of Chantique are at the very beginning and very end of the para. See if you can lance some of the extraneous context points and stick to telling the story from a strictly-Chantique perspective.
    • I took out a little bit of it (probably less than you were hoping), but I feel like most of it is necessary to understand the Demagol information towards the end of her bio. Admittedly, there is a lot of context throughout the first section of the biography. I think the apparent excess of context is because we generally don't get information on why a character exists and how they came to exist, we only start with the fact that they exist. Chantique has a whole pre-birth backstory, so it seems like a lot. Let me know what you think, and I'll try to adjust it some more.
  • I'll stop here for now.—Tommy 9281 02:33, January 15, 2011 (UTC)
  • ." Wyrick believed his procedure would work, but upon the infant's birth, he conceded that she was a failure, unbalanced both genetically and mentally and incapable of touching the Force.[1] The child was named Kessarah[2] and lived in the New Generation Academy as a disappointment to her father along with the children of other researchers that he had similarly deemed to be "failures."[1]" Kessarah should be named as Wyrick's daughter in the first of these two sentences (which comes at the end of "A failed experiment's" first paragraph,) because upon first read, it's not entirely clear that you are speaking of Kessarah. The second of the two sentences I just put up will then need to be rewritten so that the facts don't overlap. More coming.—Tommy 9281 17:53, January 18, 2011 (UTC)
    • I actually moved her name to the sentence preceding the two you posted here, and adjusted the following sentences accordingly. Does that work out?
  • "Chantique continued her brutal reign over the children she minded until the now-enslaved Edessa resolved to challenge her." When did Edessa get there? Is there anything significant with regard to her arrival? It just kinda jumps out at the reader at that point, since nothing prior leads one to believe that Edessa was around. You gotta make the transition a little smoother.
    • Edessa's arrival was with the other New Generation students, who were established to have been enslaved in the previous paragraph. Other than the fact that the entire school was captured, there really isn't anything significant about her arrival.
  • Much of the "Return to The Crucible's" third paragraph is laden with p&t information. See if you can separate it; take out the character assessments, and just stick to the script. Talk about her personality traits in the actual P&T section. Again, I understand the need for "understanding" what is going on at any particular point in the article, but such understanding can be imparted without so much extraneous info.
    • I removed some of the fluff on personality and cut it down to primarily just the Kleej events and her new status with the Crucible.
  • " Despite having escaped the wrath of her former Overseer years prior, Jarael never forgot her time as a slave and would use Chantique's name as an alias on Telerath in 3963 BBY." This totally has no place here. It belongs in Jarael's article. At best and most, perhaps you can find a place for it in the P&T. More coming.—Tommy 9281 00:57, January 19, 2011 (UTC)
    • Outta there. Again, thanks for reviewing Dark Lord. Looking forward to more. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 01:28, January 19, 2011 (UTC)
  • " Shortly after, Carrick attempted to infiltrate and bring the organization down from within, but was instead discovered by Chantique and manipulated into believing that Jarael had been as sadistic a slave driver as she. The Jedi believed Chantique's lies, and Jarael and Carrick went their separate ways." You say the same thing twice with regard to Zayne's belief in Chantique's lies.
    • Eh, I tried it a few different ways and finally just decided to take out that second sentence. It really wasn't vital.
  • " During the fight, Chantique learned..." Nothing for the fight? More still.—Tommy 9281 01:11, January 20, 2011 (UTC)
    • Initially, I didn't think so but I found an article for it and linked it. Looking forward to more. Thanks again. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 08:35, January 20, 2011 (UTC)
  • "Sitan had memory abilities known as memnii that were unique to his species, and which allowed him to remember the experiences of every Caamasi that had ever been held by The Crucible." This needs to be rewritten, first to resolve the fact that Memnis weren't an "ability," and second to alleviate it's cumbersome prose.
    • Check it out.
  • "She augmented her lies with the power of the Force, gently pushing Carrick to accept her claims." Is this not a mind trick? If it is, link it there and remove its later linkage.
    • Ehh, it's never actually called a mind trick so I was hesitant to link to it. But I suppose it matches the broader description of a Mind trick.
  • Darth Trayus, I know you know how to use hellip.
    • Taken care of.

*Telekinesis needs to be linked in here somewhere, somehow.

    • Done.
  • "Unfortunately for the father and daughter," Unfortunately is POV.
    • But not the article's point of view. It is the article specifying for whom the event was unfortunate, not saying that the event was unfortunate. If it read "Unfortunately, father and daughter..." then it would be in violation of WP:POV, but it is not currently. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 21:54, January 24, 2011 (UTC)
      • That's essentially saying the same thing, and I still don't like it. I would prefer if you used something a little more neutral please.—Tommy 9281 23:24, January 24, 2011 (UTC)
  • It's also been my experience that a "Relationships" section has been reserved only for the romantic endeavors of the being in question. Any particular reason why you have one here?
    • It's my feeling that a "Relationships" section should consist of characters who had an important impact on the life of the article's subject, whether it was a romantic relationship or not. For instance, I would say that Anakin's article should (if it were complete) include information on his relationship with Obi-Wan and Palpatine, as well as Padme. Given that there's no policy on this, I've done so on other Featured Articles of mine in the past, and I think it's constituted here. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 21:54, January 24, 2011 (UTC)
      • I'm not comfortable with it in its unofficial sense, because of the potential for things to get sticky when the trend develops. Toprawa's suggestion works for this particular instance.—Tommy 9281 Friday, February 18, 2011, 02:38 UTC
  • That's all. Not bad over all, but you are a little rusty. Mediocrity is unacceptable for a Sith, Darth Trayus, and we Inquisitors expect very much from seasoned nominators. Step ya game up :P—Tommy 9281 16:43, January 20, 2011 (UTC)
    • I know, I know—hey, I admitted I was rusty. This was my first article after a long hiatus! Regardless, thanks very much for the thorough and exacting review, Tommy. Poor girl waited three months to get any lovin, and you're tough lovin' was just what she needed. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 21:54, January 24, 2011 (UTC)
equals equals equals equals equals
  • In the infobox: Is it necessary to include "formerly" next to an association? I was always under the impression that organizations were just listed chronologically with no "formerly" attached --- so, for example, someone like Crix Madine wouldn't have to list "formerly" next to the Empire and the Rebellion, even though it was the New Republic he ultimately served. Thoughts?
    • I never really liked the "formerly" in infoboxes—I've seen it used repeatedly, but I was never really a fan. The "formerly"s in this article are an artifact of the original draft I believe—from before I started working on it. I've removed them. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 10:58, January 28, 2011 (UTC)
  • Not sure if you know, but references should always be placed in numerical order (I changed a couple for ya, including making a [6][1][9] into a [1][6][9], but it's always handy to know). Also, remember to add punctuation to image captions that are full sentences (check out my edit!).
    • Yeah I know. That was just another instance of me being dumb and not checking the article through very thoroughly. I feel a little ashamed of how messy this one is. :P
  • Is there an article for the comet battle in The Reaping? If not, do you think it's enough of an event to warrant one?
    • Hm, I'd call it article-worthy. It was a battle in space, (not between two factions per se, but that doesn't always have to be the case I suppose) so I've gone ahead and made the article.
  • In the final paragraph of the bio: "The young Jedi cautioned her against such indulgences, but Chantique insisted that she would use her power to kill him, Jarael, and her father in order to destroy the demons of her past." --- could you tweak this sentence to be about Chantique's thoughts, rather than about her verbal expression of her thoughts? Jettisoning the part about Zayne's caution and changing "insisted that she would" to something like "intended to" would make this part of the paragraph seem less like a play-by-play paraphrasing of the conversation.
    • Give it a look-see and let me know what you think.
  • Two separate image captions mention "Demagol", but that name isn't used anywhere in the actual article. Maybe just stick to "Wyrick?"
    • Huh, I hadn't even thought of that. Taken care of.
  • And... that's all. Very skillfully-done. I'm really impressed. Also, check out this picture I took when I was in Indonesia last year. Change the "s" in "shoto" to a "p" and the URL should work. Menkooroo 12:43, January 26, 2011 (UTC)
    • BLACK FOREST CAKE and TIRAMIZU. Oh and I guess the name's pretty cool too. BUT LOOK AT THOSE BAKED GOODS! :P Thanks for the review, Menk. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 10:58, January 28, 2011 (UTC)
      • There was a lot of good food in that country. :D Menkooroo 04:41, January 29, 2011 (UTC)
Green Tentacle
  • Relationships should be sub-section of personality and traits.
    • Are you certain? I've seen it both ways.
      • Hmm. Fair enough. We should probably decide that officially sometime. Green Tentacle (Talk) 22:16, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
  • Inconsistent use of "The Crucible"/"the Crucible." A quick bit of Googling suggests "the Crucible" is correct.
    • Taken care of. Heh, I could have sworn JJM capitalized it in his blog. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 20:30, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
  • Inconsistent use of "the Academy"/"the academy."
    • Taken care of.
  • Last paragraph of personality and traits is one rather long sentence. Please split it.
    • Split into two.
  • Jarael: "Chantique was several years Jarael's elder" Two or three isn't several. Green Tentacle (Talk) 20:12, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
Toprawa
  • Others may not be willing to push the issue with you, but it's the obligation of the Inquisitorius to ensure that nominations adhere to the FAN rules. FAN rule 4 states an article must follow the Manual of Style, Layout Guide, and all other policies on Wookieepedia. The LG does not stipulate the use of a separate dedicated "Relationships" section in character articles. I have no problem if you want to detail a Relationships section, but it needs to go into the P/T, per our current site rules. If there are existing FAs that do include a dedicated Relationships section, then those articles are not currently in line with site policy, and they need to be revised. It's the current trend at recent Inqmoots to begin enforcing this rule more tightly and start obligating articles to migrate their Relationships sections into the P/T. If you want to start a CT to propose an amendment to the LG, you have that right, but if and until such an amendment passes, this article needs to reflect the current rule. Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:30, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
    • Look, I don't care where the darned thing goes—I was just putting it under a separate heading pursuant to the "Though there is some flexibility" clause of the LG. Evidently, others thought it was worth putting it under an individual heading, so I just went with that precedent. I've moved it to it's appropriate place, however. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 22:40, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
      • Thank you for making the change. It was not my intention to seem combative, so no hard feelings. Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:48, February 17, 2011 (UTC)
        • No problem, and no hard feelings at all. Let me know if there's anything else. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 01:06, February 26, 2011 (UTC)
Ecks Dee
  • "Chantique continued her brutal reign over the children she minded until the now-enslaved Edessa resolved to challenge her." I think you should make clearer that Edessa had been captured by the Crucible. Something like "until Edessa, who was among the children (or w/e you call them) that had been captured/sold to the Crucible, resolved to challenge her."
    • Check it out.
  • "Soon, however, she learned that Edessa was no longer with the Crucible;[9] the young girl had been appalled by the organization's treatment of slaves, and so did what she could to protect the children she minded.[14]She was given the name "Jarael," meaning…" While I realize who you are referring to with "she," it's not entirely obvious, as you talk about Chantique in the earlier sentence (Soon, however, she learned...).
    • Changed to "The Offshoot"
  • Rather trivial, but is there a particular reason why these references are "out of order"? "However, unlike most members of her species, Chantique's outbursts were all anger-driven and violent,[7][9][4][6]"
    • Sorry to cut in, but: They're out of order if you're looking at P & t in preview mode, but if you look at the article itself, they're [5][6][9][11]. :D Menkooroo 03:02, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
      • Per Mr. Menk.
        • I'm such an idiot. ^.^ 1358 (Talk) 13:42, March 2, 2011 (UTC)
  • She seems like a real badass—blame her father! Excellent article. 1358 (Talk) 19:23, March 1, 2011 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 13:42, March 2, 2011 (UTC)

  • As a note, this is part one of "TrayusProject:[Redacted by administration]!" More to come. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 19:31, October 26, 2010 (UTC)
  • For Inq reference, I didn't place the "FAnom" indicator on the edit summary when I put this article up, so here is a link to the edit that included the nomination template. Darth Trayus(Trayus Academy) 01:35, January 19, 2011 (UTC)