Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Bray (stormtrooper)

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a Featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Bray (stormtrooper)

(0 Inqs/0 Users/0 Total)

(Votes required: 3 Inq vote(s) required to reach minimum. Additional 4 user or 2 Inq votes required to pass.)

Support

Object

Tommy
  • Images should be digital.
  • Duplicate link.
  • When linking to image files, use underscores not spaces.
  • Please clean up your grammar. "meaning that Bray was fine with bring them into danger", "to try to get information out of only survivor" for example.
    • Did I fix those two examples?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:55, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
      • Yes, but I still think the general grammar of this article is subpar, which violates FAN rule 1. I encourage your to reread the article and improve the general flow of text. Tommy Imperial Emblem Macaroni 19:21, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • You also have a lot of repetitive wording throughout that should be cleared up: "what he had done to warrant the job, and he responded that he had set his captain on fire, which she said was enough to warrant the job."
  • I personally think you overuse in-paragraph quotes. Tommy Imperial Emblem Macaroni 07:54, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
    • I removed all but the one at the start of "Reassigning FN-2187" and kept infestation in quotes (as that is to how it isn't really an infestation)--Editoronthewiki (talk) 15:17, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
      • No you haven't. You removed one. Tommy Imperial Emblem Macaroni 16:51, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • You should make an imagecat. Tommy Imperial Emblem Macaroni 19:38, August 7, 2019 (UTC)
Fan
  • "During the cold war, when it was believed one of the tunnels on the First Order superweapon Starkiller Base was infested, Bray served as the commanding officer of the cleaning crew deployed to remove the creatures." I think this sentence could be reworded a little. Keep the first clause, with the cold war timeframe, then introduce him as the C.O. of the cleaning crew, and finish with the explanation of where they were and what was going on. Let me know if you'd like it to be clearer. Fan26 (Talk) 16:21, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • In the second sentence of the Personality and Traits, you use the same reference twice. Fan26 (Talk) 16:36, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • You need to link Phasma in the intro. Fan26 (Talk) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • There are a lot of instances where I think using different words or phrases or changing the overall way a sentence is written could improve how the article reads. I'm breaking it down by section. Fan26 (Talk) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
    • Scratch that, it'll be simpler if I just take all of my objections by section through this. Fan26 (Talk) 12:36, August 7, 2019 (UTC)
Intro
  • "To help clean out the creatures, Captain Phasma also assigned FN-2187 and FN-3761 to serve in the crew." You can shorten this by just saying that the team included the two troopers. Fan26 (Talk) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
    • I'd have to remove Phasma from the intro then.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:50, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
      • Is it good now?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 19:09, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
        • Yes, that was my mistake, apologies. You wouldn't have needed to link to Phasma. Actually, I think now you should do away with this sentence all together and try putting the info in the last sentence like this "a cleaning crew, which included the stormtroopers 'Finn' and 'other trooper'. They don't need a whole sentence in the intro. Fan26 (Talk) 12:36, August 7, 2019 (UTC)
          • Better? I’ve also responded to your other criticisms.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 14:33, August 7, 2019 (UTC)
            • Yes, much better. Apologies for the delay, was busy and only able to get to this one objection and some CAN stuff. Fan26 (Talk) 17:23, August 8, 2019 (UTC)
  • "Upon their arrival, Bray explained to the FN-2187 that the First Order was not certain of what they would be facing, but the operation continued on." I haven't read the comic, but it feels like this is just adapted from the dialogue. I'd suggest that change it so it starts with Bray informing Finn that they don't know what's down there (changing the wording from "the First Order was not certain of what they would be facing"). If he actually says something like "The operation must go on regardless.", you can leave a reworded version of the last part of the sentence. If not, remove it entirely. Fan26 (Talk) 18:33, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • "Once they were inside the tunnel, Bray and his crew were attacked by the creatures, and he was overwhelmed." I'd suggest changing it to just "the crew was" and swap "he" for "Bray". Fan26 (Talk) 18:37, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • "However, FN-2187 used the Captain's flamethrower to kill the animals attacking him, although he burned Bray in the process" You can remove 'However'. I'd change 'although he' to 'accidentally'. Fan26 (Talk) 18:41, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
    • Wasn't really an accident. He knew Bray would be burned, but did it because Bray had his armor. I've edited it a bit though.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 18:50, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
      • Hmm, I guess that works. Might revist that in the future, but at the moment I think it looks okay. Fan26 (Talk) 17:23, August 8, 2019 (UTC)
  • "Bray ordered FN-2187 to clean up the remains of the creatures, which the stormtrooper assumed was because he had set the officer on fire, but Bray perceived FN-2187's comment to mean that he thought the assignment was beneath him." Finn's perspective doesn't need to be in the intro, just the body. The third part of the sentence makes no sense. What comment? Please rewrite that part to be clearer after Finn's perspective of the event is removed. Fan26 (Talk) 18:41, August 6, 2019 (UTC)
  • "Later, while he was cleaning up, FN-2187 discovered that the creatures were not an infestation and instead were a native species. To save some of the animals, FN-2187 purposely angered Bray, so that way he would be punished and assigned as a guard for trash heading to the Garbage Moon of Maher. Once at the moon, FN-2187 was able to release some the creatures to safety." This is too much focus on something that's not the article subject, especially in the intro. Please rewrite this part so it starts with Bray being angered by Finn, then give Finn's motivation, and then briefly mention that Finn succeeded, preferably in less than three sentences. Fan26 (Talk) 17:44, August 8, 2019 (UTC)
    • Done--Editoronthewiki (talk) 23:19, August 10, 2019 (UTC)
      • You've corrected the issue and this now focuses on Bray instead of Finn, but it needs to be reworded so it flows better. Fan26 (Talk) 19:13, August 15, 2019 (UTC)
  • "after a blockage of creatures attacked personnel in one of the tunnels on Starkiller Base," Do the creatures number so many that they physically block the tunnel? I'm guessing not - unless the comic refers to them this way, it should probably be switched with 'group' or one of its synonyms. Fan26 (Talk) 23:15, September 15, 2019 (UTC)
  • If Bray's cleaning crew is a thing, it should be in the infobox. Fan26 (Talk) 20:26, September 29, 2019 (UTC)
    • done--Editoronthewiki (talk) 20:32, September 29, 2019 (UTC)
      • While, to my knowledge, the crew was composed entirely of stormtroopers, I don't think it's specifically organized under the F.O. trooper corps. Both can exist as sub-bullet points in the infobox. Fan26 (Talk) 20:39, September 29, 2019 (UTC)
        • It was made up of stormtroopers, so I don't think the corps needs to be stated.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 20:44, September 29, 2019 (UTC)
Zed
  • Reading over the article, I noticed a lot of variations upon "[character] said/asked". Simply repeating dialogue is generally seen as being "play-by-play", which has been objected to before. Try rewording those instances to focus more on the actions involve rather than the dialogue.
    • Kind of a matter of context? A lot of what Bray does is talking, so it kind of has to be worded like that at some points. For example, the Slick page, which was a featured article but lost that status for different reasons, recounts dialogue in the last paragraph of the "Capture" section.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 22:37, September 7, 2019 (UTC)
      • Even if most of his actions are talking, they can be worded in a way which doesn't just repeat comic dialogue. For example, the sentence "FN-2187 asked if this job was because he had been hit by the flames, but Bray instead asked the stormtrooper if he felt like he was above the job." has "asked" twice and could be worded differently. Zed42 (talk) 19:23, September 22, 2019 (UTC)
  • In the BTS, you need to specify the comic's illustrator, not just the writer. This is currently a redlink, so it will need to be created. Zed42 (talk) 01:44, September 7, 2019 (UTC)
Anil

Comments

  • Does anyone know if "the Captain believed FN-2187 thought himself to be above the assignment" is proper grammar?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 17:23, September 7, 2019 (UTC)
    • I believe it's technically proper, yes, but it's one of many instances where some rewording is needed so it makes more sense and reads better. Fan26 (Talk) 17:25, September 7, 2019 (UTC)
      • Full sentence: "When it seemed like their mission was complete, Bray ordered FN-2187 to clean up the creature's remains, and, when Bray believed the trooper thought himself above the assignment, told FN-2187 that no one was above a task that served the First Order." How does this look?--Editoronthewiki (talk) 17:33, September 7, 2019 (UTC)
        • Hmm, I recommend you look at what Zed said about play-by-plays. Fan26 (Talk) 18:13, September 7, 2019 (UTC)
          • It's kind of like how we recount what Slick said to skywalker and Kenobi in his article. I guess you need to recount dialogue to explain that moment.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 19:30, September 8, 2019 (UTC)
          • Well, I still think the point comparing this page to Slick could work for the article, but this bit has been changed slightly.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 20:55, September 12, 2019 (UTC)
  • I had not done the “purge article” function when I nominated this page. If I need to remove the nomination because of that, okay. If don’t need to remove it, I can do purge it soon.--Editoronthewiki (talk) 13:30, September 14, 2019 (UTC)
    • Don't worry, you don't have to do anything. Everything is fine now. "Purging" an article means only "clearing cache," and that doesn't mess with the nomination itself. TanDivoInsignia-SenateMurders Anıl Şerifoğlu (talk) 19:43, September 14, 2019 (UTC)
  • Warning for Editoronthewiki: You can't strike anyone's objection even if you think you have handled it. Please keep this in mind in the future. TanDivoInsignia-SenateMurders Anıl Şerifoğlu (talk) 12:18, September 18, 2019 (UTC)

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)

  1. Inqvote Outstanding objection more than a month old. Imperators II(Talk) 07:42, November 2, 2019 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Tommy Imperial Emblem Macaroni 09:38, November 2, 2019 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote TanDivoInsignia-SenateMurders Anıl Şerifoğlu (talk) 10:33, November 2, 2019 (UTC)