Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Battle of Nod Kartha

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Battle of Nod Kartha

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Support

Object

"Watch these rap @*%%#$ get all up in your guts—French-vanilla, butter-pecan, chocolate-deluxe. Even caramel sundaes is gettin touched, and scooped in my ice cream truck, Wu tears it up…"
  • More of a question than an objection at this point: does the source specifically identify 22 BBY as the year that this happened?
    • The source runs partially concurrent with AOTC, which takes place in 22 BBY.
      • As it currently stands you have the year sourced to Star Wars: Jedi Starfighter. I would use a more specific reftag to explain the approximation of the date.
        • Well, I have the date in the infobox sourced to AOTC. I must source the first paragraph to JS as obviously none of the adventures in the game appear in the film. Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower 23:49, September 29, 2010 (UTC)
          • Correction; you must use JS to source the parts of the paragraph that apply directly to Js. If you have the date sourced to AOTC in the infobox (with adequate explanation) then you should be using the same source whenever you make mention of the date to which you have AOTC as the source.—Tommy 9281 00:01, October 7, 2010 (UTC)
  • First sentence of the intro is plagued by a tense-shift.
    • Nixed.
      • Not yet.
        • How's that? Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower 23:49, September 29, 2010 (UTC)
          • While your changes have worked toward rectifying the objection, I see that you aren't quite grasping my actual point. "This battle," is what I mean by the tense shift. The duck test dictates that most battle articles are named for where they occur, and therefore referred to as such.—Tommy 9281 00:01, October 7, 2010 (UTC)
  • Can we get a smidge of context for Nym in the intro?
    • Sure.
  • Is there no article for this "allied fleet" of which you speak?
  • "The spacers gathered their forces and emerged from hyperspace in range of the orbital defenses." What spacers?
    • Reworded.
  • "One of the cruisers was disabled," I think this would benefit more by just saying "Mere cruiser" as opposed to just "cruiser," for the sake of context.
    • Gotcha.
  • No article for "Planetary Defense Platform?"
    • Apparently there is.
  • In the second paragraph of the intro, you begin talking about Adi Gallia. Up to this point, I had no idea that the Jedi were involved, because you've made no prior mention of their involvement.
    • Context added.
      • "Jedi Master Adi Gallia, having been sent to scout Federation activity in the Karthakk system and joined Nym, defended the commandos from the air while the commandos planted explosives on the generators." Context added, yes, but I can't make sense of "and joined Nym, defended the commandos from the air while the commandos planted explosives on the generators." Also five words separating one "commandos" from the next. Switch up the wordchoice a bit please.
  • "When the ground force ran into trouble, Gallia landed and fought through B1-Series battle droids to ensure the last charge went off." The sentence before this led me to believe that Gallia was already planetside. If this was not the case, you'll need to say so.
    • So said.
  • Unless the source calls the Trihexalon production facility a "Hex factory," I would refrain from using that terminology, as "Hex" refers to several other things in the Star Wars universe.
    • The facility is untargetable in the game, so title is conjecture. Trihex it is.
  • BtS tense-shifting.
  • And this is after only reading the intro. BtS thing was a cursory glance, but the other things you'll need to clear up before I continue.—Tommy 9281 12:35, September 16, 2010 (UTC)
Part 2
  • "A fleet that consisted of the pirate Nym's Lok Revenants and the Mere Resistance staged an assault on the orbital defenses that surrounded Nod Kartha in an attempt to locate and compromise a Trihexalon production facility on the planet’s surface." Some context here, and whatever you add is probably gonna make the sentence even more of a runon than it already is, so you may want to rework that whole bit.
  • Linking issues. Remember to link subjects once in both body and intro, and upon their initial mention in each, respectively.
    • Er, am I over- or under- linking? Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower 03:08, November 13, 2010 (UTC)
      • That is for you to discover, young sir. Comb the article thoroughly and make sure you aren't missing anything; its relatively easy to check stuff that you think may have an article, and overlinking is easily rectified as well. Once you are positive this has been satisfied I will strike and support.—Tommy 9281 18:54, November 19, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Early in, Reti made his fifth kill, earning him the ace title." Who is Reti? This is the article's first mention of him.
  • "Tritus remained in orbit to cover for them and scan the debris for recoverable pieces per Jinkins' suggestion." Who is Jinkins?
  • There are many instances of short, abrupt sentences, many of which can be combined with the preceding or following sentence. I've changed many of these for you, but I suggest you go through the article and merge a few more so as to improve the flow of the prose.
  • "As that occurred, a Hex Bomber attempted to land at the control tower, but it was easily dealt with." Easily dealt with is a bit colloquial in my opinion. A different choice of words would work much better.
  • "Lieutenant Bella on the Reaver ordered a salvage operation to be conducted on four pieces of the Orbital Defense Cannons t{hat could be salvaged to build a new one." I feel like something is missing in here...
  • "After the factory was destroyed, Kole was transferred to his own fighter…" This sounds like Kole was formally transferred from one vessel to another. If you mean his starfighter, I suggest wording the sentence in such a manner that the reader doesn't get the impression that Kole was reassigned to another starship.
  • No article for plan Beta-Three?
  • If there is enough information, stubs (at the very least) need to be created for Tug 1, Tug 2, Tug 3, and Tug 4.
  • Good work, just a few helpful hints:
    • Tense was a significant issue throughout this article. Past tense should be used as often as possible, only switching to others when there is no other choice. Many times "ing" words can be substituted with "ed" ones, and the prose can be altered slighty on other occaisions so as to facilitate proper tense usage.
    • There were many instances of the use of a character's whole name. Characters should always be referred to by their last name, unless situations arise where several characters in a particular article share said name. Then, it is acceptable to use first names to differentiate one from the other. It is usually appropriate to use the character's first name upon their initial mention only, but sometimes doing so is required elsewhere. Even then, it should be reserved for only the most necessary of situations.
    • I also combined several of the smaller paragraphs with others so that you didn't have such choppy sectioning throughout.
    • I would suggest the solicition of several copyedits prior to the submission of your work for review. Doing so allows you to take a break from something you've been looking at nonstop for however long, and a pair of fresh eyes is always good for finding mistakes that we miss. Wookieepedians such as Master Jonathan are always more than willing to perform copyedits, so you may want to get in contact with him in the future.—Tommy 9281 23:29, October 28, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

  1. Taking a break. Will be back around Dec. 20. Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower 20:50, November 30, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Ahem. Credit goes to User:TheAinMAP for the entirety of the original work. Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower 21:29, September 18, 2010 (UTC)
  3. As an FA, does the page need other characteristics such as a participant section? Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower 21:46, November 14, 2010 (UTC)
  4. Should I discuss the victory celebration, where dhe characters discuss the search for Reti? Corellian PremierAll along the watchtower

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)

  1. Inqvote Nominator has announced his departure from the site on a lengthy vacation and concedes the forfeiture of his existing nominations. Toprawa and Ralltiir 19:59, December 1, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote—Tommy 9281 20:42, December 1, 2010 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote CC7567 (talk) 03:16, December 2, 2010 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Grand Moff Tranner Imperial Department of Military Research (Comlink) 01:02, December 14, 2010 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 21:10, December 14, 2010 (UTC)