Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Attack on an unidentified pirate base

< Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations
The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Attack on an unidentified pirate base

Yo-ho, yo-ho, It's a pirate's life for me! Nivlacanator(talk) 04:17, May 10, 2015 (UTC)

(0 Inqs/0 Users/0 Total)

Support

Object

Fan of the Core
  • Aesthetic wise, the paragraphs need to be reworked in the introduction. A long paragraph followed by a very short paragraph does not look good. A shorter paragraph first providing a brief overview of the attack along with key players then in the second paragraph going into background, the attack, and aftermath might look better.
  • Since this is a conjectural title, "attack" should be the only word highlighted to identify the title.
  • While it has been done in cases of very complicated subjects, this is not by itself a complicated mission. Reading through half of the first paragraph before I even come to the title a.k.a. the point of the article can be confusing. I should be able to identify the title within the first sentence so better understand what I'm reading.
  • There is a separate incident that is discussed before we even get to the attack itself, this is very confusing. If you want to discuss it as background in the following paragraphs that's fine, that can then provide better context. There are other sentence/grammar issues, I'll wait till after these two paragraphs are restructured.
  • Under Prelude the paragraphs seem disjointed I would suggest merging them or reworking them to flow better. Larger, even paragraphs look better than shorter paragraphs. It also helps the flow.
  • so he was forced to deal with the Outer Rim crime lord Jabba the Hutt. Explain why. Is he negotiating trade routes, raw materials, manpower, etc?
  • Vader fought against the attackers This is the first time Vader is mentioned in the article body. He needs to be linked and given context i.e. a title.
  • was ordered to continue the negotiations with Jabba ordered by whom?
  • Also since this is not the article's exact name, link either "continue" or "negotiations"
  • The sentence beginning with Not long after, Vader, now under the command of Grand General Cassio... is a run-on and needs to be reworked.
  • Vader, now under the command of Grand General Cassio Tagge, were working I get what you're saying, but with this structure "were" is referring to Vader, not Vader and Tagge.
  • Also it might be helpful to explain why Vader is under Tagge.
  • however the pilot of the shuttle blew themselves up to prevent One word should be linked. I suggest here that "pilot" and "blew" should be linked for these articles.
  • the pirate's base of operations; The link should be for "base" only
  • identify Adjutant Oon-ai as a traitor. To a random reader this comes somewhat out of left field. Context would be helpful, who is Oon-ai, why is he there, why is a traitor. Or, are you sure you want to deal with him being a traitor here and not more towards the end when he is revealed? Either way is your preference but it needs to be clarified depending upon where in the article you deal with this.
  • Except for the Mon Calamari, who activated the station's self-destruct as he lay, dying the commas here aren't right and the sentence doesn't make sense.
  • Vader ordered the Lieutenant not to abandon his orders one of the "order" words needs to be changed
  • Vader then killed Oon-ai How?
  • Vader also claimed Oon-ai was a traitor, it seems like you're explaining Oon-ai's status here, like I said above, you need to figure where you're going to fully explain this so that it flows smoothly.
  • secure his own army should only link "secure"
  • Throughout the article I've noticed that you put commas often when there is the word "and" but this isn't necessary. "And" serves to break the sentence up by itself so the commas need to be removed.
  • I love the comic series and its great to see someone working on this, keep up the good work! Coruscantfan (Talk) 23:48, June 25, 2015 (UTC)

Comments

Vote to remove nomination (Inq only)
  1. Inqvote Unaddressed objections. Cade GalacticRepublicEmblem-Traced-TORkit Calrayn 03:31, July 17, 2015 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Supreme Emperor (talk) 03:33, July 17, 2015 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote Exiled Jedi Oldrepublic crest (Greetings) 03:34, July 17, 2015 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 03:41, July 17, 2015 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote IFYLOFD (Talk) 03:50, July 17, 2015 (UTC)