- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.
Zhug Ship
- Nominated by: –Tm_T (Talk) 17:06, December 7, 2010 (UTC)
- Nomination comments: Zhug articles more you have, this one is something between Dezanti and Heraklon.
(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)
Support
- Zhug-tastic. NAYAYEN—it appears to be a frammistat 12:05, December 18, 2010 (UTC)
Hopefully others will catch if I have missed anything… oh, and we'll resolve the naming thing. :P 1358 (Talk) 22:21, January 7, 2011 (UTC)- Toprawa and Ralltiir 21:07, January 12, 2011 (UTC)
- Graestan(Talk) 02:29, January 13, 2011 (UTC)
- I caught lots that you missed, Xd. :P Chack Jadson (Talk) 23:13, January 14, 2011 (UTC)
Object
Xd has something
Can you pipelink the battle in the infobox? It looks a bit ugly at the moment. :P- Whops, done.
Doesn't the "destroyed" year need another reference, or does the source say that the ship was destroyed as well?- Source does, so it should suffice.
"The Zhug brothers' ship was a Heraklon-class transport ship utilized by the Zhug brothers during the years of the Dark Wars." Veery strange sentence. First, it's a bit repetitive that you say that the ship was used by the Zhug brothers. Second, could you give some context on the Zhugs (bounty hunters)?- Tried something.
"In 3,951 BBY, as the Zhugs were chasing the former Jedi Knight the Jedi Exile on her way to Onderon, they both were forced to land…" Who is "both"? Both Zhugs? Both what? Please clarify.- Done.
"…after taking damage by Onderon separatist fleet above the planet." First, you take damage from, not by. Second, "Onderon separatist fleet"" sounds strange. Can you please clarify what that is?- Tried something.
"The crash-landing was devastating for the ship; its crew was killed by the Exile and her companions soon afterward." But what happened to the ship itself?- Reworded, should be clear now.
- More later. 1358 (Talk) 20:46, December 7, 2010 (UTC)
I suggest you cut out the mention of the Zhugs in the description and just explain it in the body.- Should be done.
History: Context on the Zhugs.- Should be done.
Why are you using a different source for the year in the history? Can't you use the Message ref?- Was overcautious, less is more so gone.
"…the Zhugs had taken a job for themselves to collect a bounty on a Jedi that was set by Exchange crime lord G0-T0." A particular Jedi or simply Jedi in general? If you are referring to a particular individual, please state who.- Done.
- I suggest you re-read the article once more and check for missing context and links, as well as grammatical errors and other stuff. At a glance, there are many instances of weird wording and grammatical issues. 1358 (Talk) 16:10, December 8, 2010 (UTC)
Starting from the beginning…
"In 3,951 BBY, as the Zhugs were chasing a former Jedi Knight…" Why were they chasing her?- Context added.
"This ship was Heraklon-class frigate-type starship, a versatile transport ship manufactured…" Three instances of "ship" makes it read rather awkward.- Reworded.
"…and widely used during the time around the Jedi Civil War." Widely used by whom? (Yeah, I know this kinda contradicts one of the objections above, but w/e)- ...and context added.
"In 3,951 BBY,[1] the Zhugs took a job for themselves to collect a bounty on a former Jedi Knight, the Jedi Exile that had been set by the Exchange crime lord G0-T0." Okay, this reads a bit strange; the "that had been..." clause in the end of the sentence makes it pretty choppy. Could you find a way to possibly split the sentence or make it read smoother?- Yup, done.
In the second paragraph of history, you need to mention that the Zhugs are doing this and that, otherwise one will have no idea what you're talking about.- Given a bit of history of what Zhugs were up to.
"When they arrived on the Onderon system…" Same as above."…both parties encountered the blockade of the Onderon Civil War…" Improper English. You can't say "the blockade of a war"."prohibiting them to enter planet Onderon's capital city Iziz." Wrong preposition. ;-)- Done.
"Soon after their arrival, Onderon separatist fleet opened fire…" Whose arrival? Please make it clearer. Also, two small things: You need 'the' before Onderon, since it's a specific fleet, and fire could probably be pipelinked to laser.- Cleared, I don't feel I can safely assume it was (only) laser fire.
"…"on the Republic ships they were blockading in the opening of the First Battle of the Civil War." Wait, what? They?- Reworded, should be clear now.
- I'll elaborate on what is the issue in this objection tomorrow when I'm more awake. :) 1358 (Talk) 20:44, December 15, 2010 (UTC)
- Okay, here goes: "Soon after the arrival of the Zhug ship and the Ebon Hawk, the Onderon separatist fleet opened fire on the blockaded Republic ships in the opening of the First Battle of the Onderon Civil War." First thing: What do you mean by "blockaded" Republic ships? Are they part of the blockade? Or are they victims of the blockade? Second, why do you capitalize "First Battle"? Seems redundant since you aren't directly linking the battle. 1358 (Talk) 20:16, December 16, 2010 (UTC)
- I'll elaborate on what is the issue in this objection tomorrow when I'm more awake. :) 1358 (Talk) 20:44, December 15, 2010 (UTC)
- Reworded, should be clear now.
"The Zhugs' ship took its share and the inflicted damage forced them to land on Onderon's Dxun moon." Its share of what? The laser fire? Also, moon comes before the name.- Done.
"The ship fell down the sky, crash-landing on the jungles of the moon." Again, wrong preposition."Two Zhug brothers following a lead of Dezanti Zhug…" Should there be commas around the lead bit? Also, who is Dezanti? Please mention that he's a leader of the Zhugs.- Should be clear now.
"…survived from the wreckage what was their ship…" One can't survive from a wreckage? Perhaps "survived the crash-landing" would be better? Also, "what was their ship"?! Anything wrong there, eh? "of their ship" would be much better.- I was trying to be clever, should be smooth now.
"…only to soon fail in their attempt on claiming the bounty on the Jedi Exile, as their attack resulted to the death of the Zhugs trio by the Exile and her companions." First, you mention both "attempt" and "attack" which makes the sentence read awkward. Perhaps cut out the "their attempt on"? Second, wrong prepositiong (italicized)."In time of its destruction…" In time doesn't work here.- Indeed, no more destruction there.
"This article assumes that the Jedi Exile visits Nar Shaddaa before traveling to Onderon's moon Dxun, as presented in Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords: Prima Official Game Guide." Perhaps pipelink the game guide, like this: "…as presented in the Prima Official Game Guide of…"?- Tried some.
"The article also contained details of the events that led to the Zhug brothers crash-landing on Dxun, identifying that the damage had been caused by Onderon separatist forces under Colonel Tobin's command." You're missing an apostrophe; who is this Tobin guy? At least link him.- 1358 (Talk) 12:35, December 11, 2010 (UTC)
Do not link the bolded part in the intro. It is used to link the article itself from the Main Page—yes, this isn't an FA, but can be linked from a page such as a (WookieeProject) portfolio, and we don't usually link the bolded stuff.- Wasn't me! Honest! (:
"Their failure in both attempts led to losing Azanti Zhug, one of their leaders, in the process." Okay, this sounds a bit weird. Let's pretend there is no "one of their leaders" in the sentence. It would read "Their failure in both attempts led to losing Azanti Zhug in the process." and that sounds strange. See if you can make it better.- Done, thanks.
You mention "their arrival" twice in the history section. This confuses me. Can you cut out the second mention?- Done?
"The Zhugs' ship took its share of the shots and the inflicted damage forced them to land on Onderon's moon Dxun." Forcing whom to land? The Zhugs? Both the Zhugs and the Exile's ship?- Cleared.
"The ship fell down from the sky, crash-landing into the jungles…" This kinda contradicts the previous sentence, which says they were merely "forced to land".- Done, thanks.
No article you could link here? Or should the event be covered in Blockade of Onderon? "…as their attack on her…"- No separate article.
- 1358 (Talk) 19:36, December 19, 2010 (UTC)
I think the Exchange needs some context, both in the intro and the bio.- Suffice?
"As the Zhugs were chasing her on her way to Onderon…" Can you add a mention of the ship itself somewhere? Otherwise the intro just sounds like a summary of the Zhugs' history.- Done, I might do it a bit further.
In what way was the ship 'versatile'? "This ship was a versatile Heraklon-class…"- This ship was no more versatile than other of that class, so that's removed.
Can you get a mention of "the Republic ships caught in the blockade" a little bit earlier? "Soon after, the separatist fleet opened fire on the blockaded Republic ships…" sounds like you've already introduced the ships.- Kinda done now.
"Fall down from the sky" sounds a bit poetic; can you please cut out it? Also, later in the sentence, "into" needs to be turned into simply "in."- Without this bit of poetic-y it becomes quite dry, but if really need be, it can go.
"Party" sounds too much like a gamer term. Please find another word to use.- Tried something.
Finally, wouldn't "Zhug ship" be less conjectural than "Zhug brothers' ship", per the Bts?- Hmm, perhaps, but more informal too?
- And that's all I have, I think. Nice work. 1358 (Talk) 07:47, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
Nayayen
"The Zhugs took a job for themselves to collect the bounty." I don't see the need for the "for themselves" part here, were they the only ones trying to do it?- You are correct, 'tis gone.
"When the Jedi Exile arrived on . . . their leaders, in the process." This sentence is very long, please try and split it up.- Splitted.
"The ship fell down the sky." This doesn't make sense, one doesn't fall "down" the sky.- indeed, adjusted, let me know if it's ok now.
- I've made a few minor linking and grammatical fixes. Looks good otherwise. NAYAYEN—it appears to be a frammistat 20:34, December 17, 2010 (UTC)
Grunny
You reference Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords twice in a row in the third paragraph of the History section (first at the end of the sentence starting with "Soon after, ..." and the second at the end of the paragraph). I'd normally remove the first one, but could you check if you meant to reference another source instead for one of them? Grunny (talk) 02:29, January 5, 2011 (UTC)- It's actually bit tricky, I wanted to make sure with the referencing so I double-referenced that sentence, as the game shows the blockade for Ebon Hawk, and the other source says Zhugs being blockaded (does not mention the Ebon Hawk at all). You think just the other ref would suffice? –Tm_T (Talk) 04:34, January 5, 2011 (UTC)
No, it's not that sentence I'm talking about. After the first sentence, you have:
"Soon after, the separatist fleet opened fire on the blockaded Republic ships in the opening of the first battle of the Onderon Civil War.[2] The Zhugs' ship took its share of the shots and the inflicted damage caused the ship to fall down from the sky, crash-landing into the jungles of the Onderon's moon Dxun. Two Zhug brothers, following Zhug leader Dezanti Zhug, survived the crash-landing that wrecked their ship, while the Jedi Exile's freighter landed nearby. Soon the Zhugs encountered the Jedi and her party, only to fail in claiming the bounty on the Jedi Exile, as their attack on her resulted in the death of the Zhugs trio by the Exile and her companions.[2]"
The bolded references are the ones I'm referring to. I just wanted to make sure one of them wasn't meant to be another reference. Grunny (talk) 04:52, January 5, 2011 (UTC)
- It's actually bit tricky, I wanted to make sure with the referencing so I double-referenced that sentence, as the game shows the blockade for Ebon Hawk, and the other source says Zhugs being blockaded (does not mention the Ebon Hawk at all). You think just the other ref would suffice? –Tm_T (Talk) 04:34, January 5, 2011 (UTC)
Toprawa
What are "the Republic ships" being referred to here? Are there Republic ships in conflict with the blockade while the Zhugs and Ebon Hawk arrive at Onderon, as in, are the Zhugs flying right into the middle of a battle taking place? Please clarify this a bit: "When the Ebon Hawk and the Zhug brothers' ship eventually arrived in the Onderon system, both ships encountered an Onderon separatist blockade that was holding the Republic ships above the planet Onderon, prohibiting them..."Why not include the mention of Tobin's involvement in the blockade in the article proper, rather than only the BTS?I'd prefer not to make a formal objection out of this, but I'd like to see the naming issue of this article handled before supporting.Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:08, January 9, 2011 (UTC)
Comments
Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 23:13, January 14, 2011 (UTC)