Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Vengnar Heiff

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Vengnar Heiff

(+5)

Support

  1. Thefourdotelipsis 03:35, 7 April 2008 (UTC)
  2. This is a good read.—Tommy9281(Safe harbor, my friend.) 13:17, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
  3. Chack Jadson (Talk) 23:05, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
  4. --Eyrezer 11:50, 2 May 2008 (UTC)
  5. Toprawa and Ralltiir 06:51, 4 May 2008 (UTC)

Object

  1. The year is 1981...

As an article about someone who engages in the act by which I myself am presently working on an article about, I will be naturally inclined to support this after...

  • In the opening paragraph, you introduce Vengnar Heiff, but you do not explain what he is species-wise. I believed he was human until the end where you state, "A reptilian lizard-man hailing from an icy planet, he was cold-blooded, and able to use a heightened sense of smell to detect his prey. His claws were considered gargantuan, likely grown for his particular profession". I would incorporate something about his species/appearance into the opening to avoid misleading one to believe he is human or something other than what you later describe.
    • Added.
  • Again in the opening paragraph you say, "He was alternatively despised, feared, and respected by the upper echelons of the Imperial military, though there was a general perception that he was a butcher." I would reword this to read a little better.
    • Do you have anything in mind?
  • In the second paragraph of the opening, you say, "Heiff was called to the Tafanda Bay on Ithor, to extract information from a group of Ithorian technicians pertaining to the operation of the mammoth herdship.". I would reword it so that one knows that the Tafanda Bay is the mammoth herdship you are talking about.
    • Fixed.
  • I'm sure there is at least one more quote that can be found.
    • They're largely weak quotes. The two I picked are the only ones of any real significance. The rest were pedestrian fare.
  • In the first sentence of the first paragraph of The Ithor uprising, you say, "Despite being amongst arbiters of massacres and the like...". Maybe it's just me, but that is a little confusing. Who are the arbiters? What massacres?
    • That's explained in the last half of the sentence: "entities in the entire Galactic Empire."
  • Also, if The Ithor Uprising is not an actual event named as such, then "uprising" in the heading should be lower case.
    • Mah mistake. Fixed.
  • In the personality & traits section, you say, "He was described as a butcher by some, and was both disdained and feared by the Imperial community.". I would reword, to say something like, "He was described as a butcher by some, being both feared and looked upon with disdain by the Imperial community."
    • That's good. Changed.
  • I would do away with the attire & appearance section, and combine it with the personality & traits section, as most of the info in the former can be seamlessly incorporated into the latter.
    • Well, it's not really a part of his personality or his traits. It's an unusual section, but only because he's an unseen unidentified alien, and the description is the only thing to go on.
  • For an individual who was a Master Torturer, you never pipelink torture.
  1. From the 72-inch screen of Chack Jadson:
    • "Prior to his arrival, a group of Rebels had landed on Ithor, claiming to have been ferrying Heiff himself. The Torturer was not concerned however, and got about his work." This doesn't make a great deal of sense to me. The first sentence seems to not fit with the rest of the paragraph. Chack Jadson (Talk) 19:27, 25 April 2008 (UTC)
      • Well, there had been people there in hours prior, but he was unfazed...do you have any suggestions as to making that clearer? Thefourdotelipsis 06:53, 26 April 2008 (UTC)
        • These two sentences just seem somewhat unconnected with the rest of the paragraph. I guess it's assumed Heiff knew about the Rebels though. If that's the case, maybe a few words such "Heiff was aware of these claims however..." would work. Chack Jadson (Talk) 15:55, 27 April 2008 (UTC)
          • Good idea. Tweaked a tad, let us know if it needs more retooling. Thefourdotelipsis 07:32, 28 April 2008 (UTC)
  2. Toprawa:
    • Your transition here kind of jumps from the Rebel being attacked by claws to suddenly releasing prisoners. Please smooth over a bit: "The struggling Rebel then desperately released all the Ithorian prisoners"
      • Added a bit of a transition there.
    • Does "Missions" present this possibility, or is this just assumption? "likely grown for his particular profession." Toprawa and Ralltiir 05:58, 4 May 2008 (UTC)
      • Inferred, but I suppose it's better to be safe than sorry here. Changed. Thefourdotelipsis 06:23, 4 May 2008 (UTC)

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