Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Little Bivoli (second nomination)

The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Little Bivoli

• Nominated by: Nayayen(talk) 20:42, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
• Nomination comments: So I had to disappear before seeing it through last time but I'm back with a vengeance and aiming for FAN after.

(0 ACs/1 Users/1 Total)

Support

1. IFYLOFD ^{(You will pay the price for your lack of vision!)} 04:19, 21 June 2009 (UTC)

Object

1. • Floyd:
   • "The person that he had been hired to deliver the ship" Eh? Reword.
     • Even I'm confused at that, more so that I didn't realise it. Fixed. Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • In the intro: You should put the reason why he was called into battle formation earlier, since it seems rather random on its own.
     • Fixed and expanded the intro too. Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • First sentence of "Acquisition" needs to be split up.
     • Fixed. Nayayen(talk) 11:41, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Description section generally doesn't flow very well.
     • Fixed.Nayayen(talk) 11:41, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Give info on Gryph and Zayne's destination and why they were traveling.
     • I've looked through the ones all the way before DoF and the best reason seems to be to keep running from the Republic so I've added that in. 10 points if anyone can find a specific destination though. Nayayen(talk) 11:41, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Why did Gryph hire Slyssk to steal the ship? Clarify.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • "Slyssk demonstrated his lack of skill at piloting, due to being kicked out of the Raff Syndicate after learning how to steal ships but not how to actually fly them, " Reword, since this sounds like his lack of piloting skill results from being kicked out of the Raff Syndicate.
     • Missed this one out, fixed now. (I always find the many many bullet points hard to read) Nayayen(talk) 21:29, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Why would Slyssk demand more money? Clarify.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Carrick pulled a damaged lamppost down on top of Slyssk but not before Heirogryph pulled him out of the way fooling Slyssk into making a life-debt to him, declaring the Snivvian to be his Ghrakhowsk. Rather long and rambling sentence. Split it up, and also give context on what "Ghrakhowsk" is.
     • Unrambled and contextified. Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • "It was this life-debt that let Hierogryph and Carrick have the ship without having to pay Slyssk in that he did not want his Ghrakhowsk to pay him, only to be allowed to serve him." Only to be allowed to serve him is rather awkward. Reword.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Clarify why the previous owners would attack them.
     • Fixed for the people who wonder why people would attack those stealing their ship. Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • "Deciding to drop the matter in favor of saving themselves," What matter? The price haggling? Them being shot at?
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • "According to Heirogryph, Trandoshans such as Slyssk weren't known for being good cooks because no-one had ever asked them to which he used to entice Carth Onasi, a lieutenant in the Courageous battle group, to eat at the Bivoli." Split this sentence up.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • "With Heirogryph being the host at the front, Carrick was relegated to dish-washing and often it seemed, did not do so. " Rather awkward. Reword.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Mention that Carrick was fleeing the Jedi due to his involvement in the Padawan Massacre, since the part where it says he's a fugitive kind of comes out of nowhere.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 11:41, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Why would Zayne need an alias when speaking with Onasi? Clarify.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • "a combination of the names of one of his fellow Padawans Shad Jelavan and Camper" Reword, since it sounds like Camper is one of his fellow Padawans.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Clarify what "Stereb" is.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • "It was now that Carrick had his Force vision" It was now is rather awkward.
     • Fixed Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
   • Unsourced statements in the BtS.
     • Sourced Nayayen(talk) 22:43, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
   • IFYLOFD ^{(You will pay the price for your lack of vision!)} 21:56, 18 June 2009 (UTC)
     • Thanks for the review, hopefully I haven't made more problems whilst addressing these. Nayayen(talk) 19:58, 19 June 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Vote to remove nomination (AC only)

1. Nayayen wants to withdraw the nomination and go straight to FAN. - Cavalier One^{(Squadron channel)} 10:20, 29 June 2009 (UTC)
2. Grunny ^(Talk) 10:21, 29 June 2009 (UTC)
3. CC7567 ^(talk) 18:41, 29 June 2009 (UTC)