Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/First mission to Obredaan

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

First mission to Obredaan

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)

Support

  1. I don't think you need to mention the Summertime war in the body, but I know this was discussed in the CAN so I've seen no need to object over it. Good job. Commander Code-8 G'day, mate 07:18, February 25, 2013 (UTC)
  2. ACvote CC7567 (talk) 21:48, March 8, 2013 (UTC)
  3. ACvote Sir Cavalier of OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 21:28, March 15, 2013 (UTC)
  4. ACvote 1358 (Talk) 21:45, March 15, 2013 (UTC)
  5. Winterz (talk) 21:53, March 15, 2013 (UTC)

Object

Rod Stewart strikes fast and swiftly
  • My objection about the Summertime War sentence still stands. The Layout Guide, specifically in this section, clearly supports what I'm saying. That's a random sentence, and unless you can connect it (with relevance) to the subject of the article, it has to go. I've also contacted some ACs who confirmed this fact.
  • I'll continue/conclude my review later, sir. Winterz (talk) 21:59, February 28, 2013 (UTC)
Attack of the Clone
  • "following efforts to avert a war on the planet Coruscant": some more context would be helpful here. Which parties was the war going to be between? With the Jedi? With the Republic?
  • This is rather nitpicky and a bit subjective, but is there a better way to introduce "the Jin'ha warriors" in the first sentence of the intro? What kind of group were they—a cartel, an organization, or just members of the same species? Perhaps "a group of Jin'ha warriors," or "the warrior tribe/group/sect known as the Jin'ha," or something like that, because the way they're being presented right now is a little bland. Again, this objection is more subjective than rooted in any specific rule of grammar, but I think it would help sentence flow.
  • The first sentence of the intro could also use some punctuation and rewording to make it less long-winded, but this might be fixed with the above two objections.
  • "before they could start a war": same as the first objection. Is it known whom the war was going to be between? With the Black Heth?
  • "Council member Saesee Tiin subsequently conducted a lightsaber training duel with Kenobi." This doesn't have relevance to the overall mission (specifically to the Prelude to the mission) where it's currently presented. It can be moved to the "Aftermath" section and introduced there, i.e. "Council member Saesee Tiin was in the middle of a lightsaber training duel with Kenobi when XYZ happened."
    • So moved. Corellian PremierJedi symbolThe Force will be with you always 21:55, March 7, 2013 (UTC)
      • "On Coruscant, Kenobi had just won a lightsaber training duel with Council member Saesee Tiin when his Master Qui-Gon Jinn summoned him and Master Tiin to the Council Chambers." Nitpicking a bit more here: because the focus of the article is the mission, this sentence (since it starts off the Aftermath) should begin with whatever subject is most relevant to the mission—e.g. the fact that Jinn called Kenobi and Tiin to the Council Chambers, instead of Kenobi winning the practice duel. The way the sentence is currently ordered sounds like it might belong in Kenobi's article instead of the mission's article. I would recommend rewording it as something along the lines of: "When the Jedi (maybe work in the Jedi Temple somewhere as well?) lost contact with Koon and Koth, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn called his Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, as well as Council member Saesee Tiin—who had just completed a lightsaber training duel—to…." See what you can do. CC7567 (talk) 16:26, March 8, 2013 (UTC)
  • "Communications between the starship and the Jedi Council were then cut off." This sentence is rather abrupt since it currently starts the Aftermath section. It sounds like it would be better at the end of "The mission" section; rewording wouldn't be necessary as long as it's moved there.
  • "On Coruscant, Kenobi won the lightsaber duel": stemming off the previous objection about this duel, this is where the information on the duel should be consolidated. The sparring match doesn't seem important enough to be given as much attention as the article currently gives it.
  • "They succeeded in their mission": if this is mentioned, it would be helpful to specify what Kenobi and Jinn accomplished. Did they rescue Koon and Koth?
  • "Additionally, the arrival of a Trade Federation gunship": where did it arrive? On Obredaan? It would also be helpful here to mention how the Jedi followed up to the apparent Federation–Jin'ha link, since this gets mentioned. CC7567 (talk) 19:17, March 7, 2013 (UTC)
  • Who are the "two Jedi Masters" at the beginning of the intro? Be specific as possible. Names should be largely preferred over ranks or other designations, so see if it would be appropriate to refer to them by name (instead of "Jedi" or "Jedi Masters" or "Masters") at other places in the article as well.
  • In the revisions that were just made, please make sure to double-check that linking is correspondingly adjusted. A link to Jedi is missing in the intro, and Jedi Council needs to be linked in "The mission" section instead of in "Aftermath," for example. Please check for others. CC7567 (talk) 16:26, March 8, 2013 (UTC)
Rod Stewart sings a bit more
  • Considering the low amount of sources, it would be best if you also mentioned the Strategy Guide in the Bts.
  • The CSWE in the Sources section is not supposed to show the page number (unless in edit mode). Use <!--"page + number"--> to hide it.
  • In the aftermath section "a few weeks later the Federation betrayed the trust of the Jedi Council by blockading", does the source really say that the Federation betrayed the Jedi's trust? If not, then you must get rid of it, considering that the Stark Hyperspace War was just 12 years priors, and I doubt the Jedi had regained their trust on the said corporation.
    • That is indeed what the source said, and didn't the Federation help win said war? Corellian PremierJedi symbolThe Force will be with you always 21:03, March 13, 2013 (UTC)
      • Well the Federation did kill one member of the Council but if the source really says it, then who am I to say otherwise ;). Winterz (talk) 15:19, March 14, 2013 (UTC)
  • "The two Masters piloted a Consular-class cruiser", they likely also piloted starfighters so you should be more explicit about them piloting the cruiser by adding their direction. Winterz (talk) 11:53, March 13, 2013 (UTC)
Ecks Dee
  • As for Winterz's CSWE-related objection above, he is in fact correct. We don't add page numbers for anything in the sources—while they are encouraged in the references, we don't add page numbers for anything else in the sources. Just leave the field blank. 1358 (Talk) 17:15, March 14, 2013 (UTC)
Cav

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 22:19, March 15, 2013 (UTC)


  1. Previous CAN for WP:VG. Corellian PremierJedi symbolThe Force will be with you always 02:48, February 25, 2013 (UTC)