Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Fendrilon Koozar

The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Fendrilon Koozar

• Nominated by: Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:22, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
• Nomination comments: One of the Emperor's Advisors murdered by poisoning for being a meddler. Best thing you've read this week.

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)

Support

1. Grunny ^(Talk) 07:11, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
2. CC7567 ^(talk) 07:33, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
3. JangFett ^Talk 17:05, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
4. --Eyrezer 04:38, 25 May 2009 (UTC)
5. Good work; thanks for the help :) Jonjedigrandmaster ^(Jujiggum) 22:22, 26 May 2009 (UTC)

Object

1. The Grand Master
   • Mention somewhere in the intro Koozar's gender and species.
   • "Koozar wildly took control of the craft away from his droid pilot" Somewhat awkward, please reword.
   • "Xizor planned to eliminate Koozar during one of Koozar's nights out at the Manarai by poisoning his exquisitely-prepared preordered meal—a raw Wroonian flycatcher fillet followed by a bowl of sufar greens topped with mecolar briddlings and drezzle sauce for an appetizer, and fleek-eel broiled in zaffa oil for the main course, though Koozar had not yet ordered dessert." This is pretty long-winded; I'd suggest breaking this up into two sentences.
   • "Va'ran saw on the newsnets that Koozar at thrown an uncontrollable fit" I believe "at" is a mistake here?
   • Nice work. Jonjedigrandmaster ^(Jujiggum) 01:46, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
2. The clone
   • "during the time period of the Galactic Civil War immediately following the Battle of Hoth": unclear if it's supposed to mean "during the time period of the Galactic Civil War, immediately following the Battle of Hoth" or "during the time period of the Galactic Civil War that immediately followed the Battle of Hoth".
   • "throughout the course of the meal" and "within the meal" are slightly redundant, since they both include "the meal"; please try to reword.
   • "Guri ordered Va'ran to give Koozar the "house special," meaning adding a combination of natural food seasonings and nearly untraceable chemicals to Koozar's dishes throughout the course of the meal, which would work in conjunction with the natural oils and spices found within the meal, as well as Koozar's own digestive system, to cause unpleasant effects, often including painful death, several hours after ingestion." Bit of a run-on.
   • The last two paragraphs of the Bio are slightly focused more on Va'ran than Koozar himself. Is it possible to rewrite them from a more general perspective?
   • CC7567 ^(talk) 01:50, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
     • All concerns addressed, per IRC discussion. Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:14, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
3. Fett's 2 cents
   • "Guri only stipulated that he did it discreetly" This paragraph is focusing more on Va'ran and Guri than Koozar himself.
   • "Va'ran saw on the newsnets that Koozar at thrown an uncontrollable fit while in his luxury airspeeder, wresting away the controls from his droid pilot, and crashing the speeder into the Ministry of Land Management. Fendrilon Koozar died in the fiery explosion that followed." Again, the perspective view is more towards Va'ran than Koozar.
   • JangFett ^Talk 10:56, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
     • As I explained to CC, this story in the sourcebook is told only from the perspective of the chef, and we never do meet Koozar (which is explained in the BTS). I'm not sure there's a real way to change these two in a way that wouldn't cause a loss in information. I think this point in the article adequately explains Koozar's fate from a 360-degree view, which is what we try to aim for in article writing. Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:19, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
4. Mauser
   • You doesn't mention his gender and species in the body (nor in the intro).</s\>
     • Jon also objected to this, and while I don't mind putting it in the article if that's what people want to see, I don't think it's really imperative that every single article list this. The information is in the infobox, after all. Done, nevertheless. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:43, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
       • Added to the intro, that is. I think it would just be redundant to add it to the bio. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:48, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
   • Prince Xizor of the Black Sun crime syndicate arranged Koozar's murder for interfering with his affairs. - the reason for the assasination is not repeated in the body.
     • This sentence is meant to be what you're looking for. I thought the allusion was strong enough: "Koozar had developed a habit of sticking his nose into business where he was not welcomed, including the operations of Prince Xizor's Black Sun crime syndicate." Tell me what you think. Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:43, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
   • Otherwise looks great. Mauser^Comlink 20:09, 24 May 2009 (UTC)
     • I guess that'll do.