Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Dezanti Zhug

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Dezanti Zhug

  • Nominated by: Tm_T (Talk) 19:42, October 19, 2010 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: Zhugs 3/3, always late from the party in very untrendy way as part of WP:KOTOR

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)

Support

  1. ACvote Impressing. 1358 (Talk) 07:07, October 27, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Very nice. OLIOSTER (talk) 13:00, November 8, 2010 (UTC)
  3. ACvote Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:06, November 11, 2010 (UTC)
  4. Graestan(Talk) 01:33, November 18, 2010 (UTC)
  5. ACvote Since I missed out on the Zhug brothers. Jonjedigrandmaster (Talk) 01:51, November 18, 2010 (UTC)

Object

Zhug party
  • "In 3,951 BBY, as the Jedi Exile arrived on the moon, eventually several Zhug brothers attacked the Jedi Exile's companions and the Exile without Dezanti, failing in their attempts." Very confusing. Your use of "as" and "eventually" makes the sentence read strange.
    • Not sure how I could express it the way I want, so "eventually" removed.
  • "Both his Heraklon-class transport ship and the Jedi Exile's freighter Ebon Hawk were shot down by the Onderonian blockade amid the Onderon Civil War, crashing on Onderon's moon Dxun." Reads rather awkwardly. First, link to the battle, and second, could you perhaps separate the last part of the sentence and merge it with the next sentence?
    • Done.
  • "The Zhug brothers, who considered themselves a "family" due their shared cause of seizing Duro under their control, were cast out after committing violent acts against a rival family, and they eventually settled on Nal Hutta's moon, Nar Shaddaa, commonly known as the "Smuggler's Moon."" Not familiar with the source material, but this sentence says that they wanted to seize Duro for their own even before they were cast out? Am I incorrect?
    • That's how I gathered from sources, why they did those violencies etc.
  • "…and the Zhug brothers prepared for the hunt." Eh, I'm not really sure if this sentence really fits here. Did they prepare for their hunt for the Exile even before she came to the moon?
    • They were hunting before she arrived on the moon, should I change it to "began their hunt" or along those lines?
  • "After the crime lord cautioned the bounty hunters against interfering with the Jedi while she was on the moon, Dezanti and Azanti Zhug—the Zhug leaders representing their organization in the meeting—proclaimed that G0-T0 was mad for not allowing them to hunt when she was finally so close." First, I doubt that the word you are looking for is cautioned. Second, "finally" implies that they were expecting her and now she was finally close enough?
    • finally close, as in they were seeking her around the galaxy: "Zhug family hunt the galaxy, look for Jedi. Jedi finally comes here, and we can no longer hunt? There is no sense to it." About the first, you might be right, I'll try something.
  • "When the Exile was invited to meet Quarren Visquis—the representative of G0-T0 on the moons surface—to discuss the bounty on her, and consequently trapped by the crime organization, the bounty hunters believed that the truce was off, considering they were allowed to began their hunt." First, a missing apostrophe, and second, I don't believe 'considering' is the word you are looking for. ;-)
    • Bah, I have seriously bad day with these today, I'll try something...
  • In the following sentence, "eventually" makes it read choppy.
    • gone here too.
  • I will stop my review here to ensure that the list is not too long. ;) Also, I made the excerpts gray so that you can easily separate the two. 1358 (Talk) 13:03, October 22, 2010 (UTC)
    • Thanks for reviewing, also the colouring makes things much clearer, very nice (: --Tm_T (Talk) 13:53, October 22, 2010 (UTC)
  • Slight context on Onderon, please?
  • Intro says the Heraklon belonged to Dezanti while the bio says it was the Zhugs' ship.
    • My bad, Zhugs' ship.
  • "…they encountered a blockade prohibiting them from entering the planet's atmosphere.[3][1] Soon after their arrival…" To whom "they" and "their" is refering to is very confusing.
    • Done.
      • "Soon after the arrival of both of the ships…" Choppy. 1358 (Talk) 14:23, October 25, 2010 (UTC)
  • "After they crash-landed in the jungles of the moon, Dezanti and two of his surviving fellow Zhug brothers encountered the Jedi Exile and two of her companions as they were traveling through the jungle." Again, "they"… Perhaps "After crash-landing in the…"? Also, you have that jungle stuf twice. Cut out the latter.
    • Done.
  • "Dezanti stated that he wouldn't fail like the other Zhugs had before him, and trying to intimidate the Exile to surrender." Tense.
    • Done.
  • "After ordering to attack the Exile and companions, he and his companions were defeated and killed in the following fight." After ordering whom?
    • Done.
  • Zhugs for win! 1358 (Talk) 16:00, October 22, 2010 (UTC)
    • Canon knows only them failing (: --Tm_T (Talk) 19:22, October 24, 2010 (UTC)
  • "After crashing-landing on Onderon's moon Dxun…" Something wrong there.
    • Aww, done.
  • "The Zhug brothers, who considered themselves a "family" due their shared cause of seizing Duro under their control, were cast out after committing violent acts against a rival family, and they eventually settled on Nal Hutta's moon, Nar Shaddaa, commonly known as the "Smuggler's Moon."[1]" Cast out from where?
    • Context added.
  • "When the Exile was invited to meet Quarren Visquis—the representative of G0-T0 on the moon's surface—to discuss the bounty on her, and consequently trapped by the crime organization, the bounty hunters believed that the truce was off, believing they were allowed to began their hunt." Loong sentence; also, "believe" is used twice within the sentence.
    • Done.
  • "Too eager to wait for Dezanti Zhug to join them, Azanti Zhug and two other Zhug brothers attacked the Exile's companions on the "Smuggler's Moon," and eight Zhug brothers attacked the Exile aboard the Visionary where she was imprisoned, unsuccessfully." You link twice to the skirmish. While the first link is linked to a subheading, I still don't think you should link it twice. One link would suffice, IMO.
    • Second link removed.
  • "After following an example of the Exile and crash-landing on the moon…" Wait, what example?
    • Of crash-landing on the moon, tweaked now, ok?
      • And example bit removed. --Tm_T (Talk) 06:52, October 27, 2010 (UTC)
  • "After ordering his fellows to attack the Exile and companions, he and his companions were defeated and killed in the following fight." 'Companions' used twice. See if you could vary your wording here.
    • Done.
  • I made a tweak to a sentence in the third paragraph of the bio—see if you approve. Otherwise, good work, Tm. 1358 (Talk) 16:47, October 26, 2010 (UTC)
    • I'm happy with it. Thank you for reviewing. (: --Tm_T (Talk) 06:47, October 27, 2010 (UTC)
Toprawa
  • Can we explain here briefly why exactly the crime lord does not want bounty hunters going after the Exile, since the article explains before this that he just placed bounties on Jedi? "After the crime lord warned the bounty hunters of interfering with the Jedi while she was on the moon"
  • This clause makes it seem like the bounty hunters were expecting the Exile to come to Nar Shaddaa. If I am interpreting this correctly, I feel like this should also be briefly explained, or otherwise somehow tweaked/reworded: "when she was finally so close"
  • What is "taking it" referring to here? The Quarren's meeting with the Exile? Please specify: "The bounty hunters believed that the truce was off, taking it as permission"
  • Ok, was the Exile invited to meet the Quarren aboard the Visionary, where she was then imprisoned? And why was she imprisoned? The article doesn't explain G0-T0's motives very well and how they relate to the Zhug brothers, so this becomes rather confusing. If she was meeting him aboard the Visionary, please specify this in the earlier sentence introducing this meeting, and perhaps briefly explain what G0-T0's intentions are: "and eight Zhug brothers attacked the Exile aboard the Visionary, where she was imprisoned"
  • I'll stop the copy-edit here so this can be worked on before continuing. Toprawa and Ralltiir 18:45, November 11, 2010 (UTC)
  • I think it would be appropriate to create an article for the Zhugs' Heraklon-class ship and then link to it in any and all relevant articles you have written, including this one.
  • The details of this exchange should really be included in the biography rather than left exclusively for the P/T: "During his encounter with the Jedi Exile, he expressed how he despised deal-breaking when the Exile suggested to pay him to leave her alone."
  • I think it would also be appropriate to utilize this template, which was created, I believe, specifically for articles such as this.
  • Please also utilize the internal link format for the WEG template for the Message to Spacers article. An example of which can be seen in the Sources list here. This allows to link both to our article and to the WEG page. Toprawa and Ralltiir 21:04, November 11, 2010 (UTC)
Graestan
  • Should probably place the {{K2order}} and {{GameLS}} templates in where they are needed.
    • I think I got the only {{GameLS}} covered. {{K2order}} is way more tricky: I have to take parts of the sentence inside it (sounds bad and looks too); erroneously(?) take all but first paragraph in the bio; rewrite these tiny parts somehow separately so they can be taken nicely. The last option would prolly be really messy but I can do it if it is found to be necessary. Thoughts?
      • Bah, decided to just make it to apply a wide portion, makes most sense this way I think.
  • Other options in dealing with Dezanti on Onderon would also be appropriate in the BtS. Graestan(Talk) 04:24, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
    • I think I got them, safe one: should I describe the variation on dialogue if he is encountered before fighting the other Zhugs on Nar Shaddaa (the {{K2order}} related)? –Tm_T (Talk) 09:49, November 12, 2010 (UTC)
      • Hm, didn't spot anything useful for that to add, so I'll leave it as it is now. –Tm_T (Talk) 20:55, November 13, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 01:51, November 18, 2010 (UTC)