Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Battle of Korriban (Disciples of Ragnos)

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.

Battle of Korriban (Disciples of Ragnos)

(+1)

Support

  1. Nominated. Stake black msg 19:58, 11 December 2007 (UTC)

Oppose

  1. Eh.. bullets in the BTS?. Change to prose, please. Hobbes(Tiger's Lair) 01:21, 12 December 2007 (UTC)
    • Done. Thanks for the tip. ^^ Stake black msg 17:31, 12 December 2007 (UTC)
  2. From the Forest of Goodwood:
    • The article's first sentence: "The Battle of Korriban was a major conflict in 14 ABY, during the Disciples of Ragnos crisis", needs to be rewritten and either expanded to form another paragraph, or merged into the one following it.
    • "In Korriban"? Don't you mean "on" Korriban?
    • Tense issues in the introduction: "the Disciples have gathered themselves" needs to be fixed.
    • The entire introduction is very badly-written and in dire need of a rewrite; its basically two run-on sentences.
    • The main body could be greatly expanded, so much so that this could even squeak by the 1,000-word Featured Article barrier. As it is, there are three stubby paragraphs and one long one; this needs to be corrected/expanded.
    • This sentence: "The Disciples of Ragnos gathered on Korriban, as Tavion Axmis began the process of using the Scepter of Ragnos to try and resurrect Marka Ragnos herself" reads awkwardly.
    • I'd like to see a "Prelude" section added that touches on the events that led to the battle itself, such as the rescue of Rosh Penin and other, related events from the game.
    • This sentence: "An army of Jedi was dispatched from Luke Skywalker's Jedi Praxeum to Korriban." smacks of OR (Original Research), which is verboten. There was no "army of Jedi", it was the current class of students.
    • I have problems with this statement: "An epic battle erupted between light and dark Force users, as the Jedi battled the Disciples of Ragnos across the desert and tombs of the Valley of the Dark Lords." First of all, it's a deep mountain gorge, not a desert, and second, there needs to be more detail here, broken up into different sentences, that follows the storyline of the final level in JK:JA.
    • I can't see there being a lack of quotes to add to the article; there should be one for the intro and at least (bare minimum) one more for the body.
    • Grammatical error in this sentence: "Jaden Korr, who had just left Taspir III, landed on the planet and met a few of his Jedi fellow trainees, including the Jedi student."
    • The "Cult of Ragnos Campaign" box needs to be added at the top of the "Battle" infobox, or at least centered.
    • Please remove this sentence: "It is unknown if the Jedi student actually survived." Such statements are frowned upon.
    • The last paragraph of the Battle section needs revision. The order seems mixed-up and the writing is awkward.
    • "As Korriban was the graveyard for the Sith, it became for the Disciples of Ragnos as well—and Tavion with them." Err, that's a bit of a non-sequitur, methinks, given a certain person's persistence.
    • Last sentence of the Aftermath section is a run-on and reads awkwardly. Truncating the Star Destroyer link thusly, and adding a link to Imperial Remnant is desirable as well.
    • Image placement issues.
    • While we're at it, can we get a shot of Jaden vs. Tavion inside the tomb, or perhaps one of Ragnos' spirit?
    • Last sentence of BtS section is blatant OR. Please remove.
    • TIMMMMMBERRRRRRRR!!!--Goodwood Redstarbird (For the Rebellion!) 22:46, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
      • Okay, I've re-written most of the article. What do you reckon? Stake black msg 17:34, 21 January 2008 (UTC)

Comments

  • Err, no offense... but this is not even close. Expect a laundry list when I get back from work.--Goodwood Redstarbird (For the Rebellion!) 12:53, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
    • To be honest, I know it's not good. But I want it to become a good article, so criticism is most welcome. Cheers. Stake black msg 19:48, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
      • You're welcome, and please don't take this list personally. It would be advisable in future to make sure you've done all that you think possible to improve an article before nominating it for Good or Featured status.--Goodwood Redstarbird (For the Rebellion!) 22:46, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
        • No problem, mate. I'll try to fix those things, thanks for pointing out. Btw, what do you mean by "OR" in the last sentence of the BtS section? Cheers. Stake black msg 23:30, 14 December 2007 (UTC)