Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Barb Mentir/Legends

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Barb Mentir

(3 ACs/2 Users/5 Total)

Support

  1. JangFett Talk 16:59, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
  2. After a final set of fixes. QuiGonJinn Senate seal(Talk) 12:59, 6 August 2009 (UTC)
  3. ACvote Graestan(Talk) 14:08, September 1, 2009 (UTC)
  4. ACvote Jonjedigrandmaster (Jedi Beacon) 18:20, September 1, 2009 (UTC)
  5. ACvote CC7567 (talk) 06:27, September 4, 2009 (UTC)

Object

  1. Fett
    • Add at least one more image.
      • Added by JMAS.
    • Missing quotes for the head and bio.
      • I'll ask JMAS.
        • Added by JMAS.
    • Check your sources. Did you also check the guide?
      • Checked.
        • Lee, that is not the way to source. You just copied and pasted "Shadow of Malevolence" guide, but renamed the title name to "The Gungan General". I suggest that you double check your sources and then add the two guides (Gungan & Dooku) into the "Soruces" section. Also, don't source to the decoded episode on StarWars.com, because they replace them each week. Source Gungan decoded content with: {{TCW|The Gungan General|d=y}}.
          • Sourced.
            • I redid some referencing and sourcing.
    • "Around 27 BBY, Barb Mentir was involved in a knife fight, there he lost his right eye in the fight and later wore an eye patch over where it had been." I probably forgot, but did it say around 27 BBY or said couple years before?
      • It don't know certainly the info was there before i worked on the article and I can't watch the decoded episode.
        • I suggest that you remove it the "27 BBY" with "Before the Clone Wars".
          • Fixed.
    • "Around 22 BBY, the Sith Lord and Separaratist leader Count Dooku crashlanded on Vanqor, after being chased and shot down by Jedi Knights Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker." So Anakin and Obi-Wan chased and shot down Dooku? You fail to mention their ships. Also too much context on Dooku. You can say Confederate Head of State Count Dooku, or just Sith Lord.
      • Adressed.
    • "After trapping the Jedi in a cave, Dooku met some members of Ohnaka's gang. Hondo Ohnaka took the Count to Florrum and captured him there." Dooku was not captured on Florrum. He was taken captive before hand and wasn't released by the pirates.
      • Fixed.
    • "Ohnaka contacted Supreme Chancellor Palpatine of the Galactic Republic and agreed to acceppt a ransom in form of spice for the Count." How this is relevant to Barb?
      • Says why the Republic went to Florrum.
    • If you're not aware of Barb being on Vanqor, then don't add excessive details about the capture of Dooku, Obi-Wan and Anakin. While you're just summarizing the plot to "Dooku captured", none of the details are related to Barb.
      • Background info.
    • "Falso, however, wanted to betray Ohnaka and conspired with Mentir." This sentence doesn't flow well with the next sentence. You say he conspired with Mentir, but then the next sentence, Falso talked with Ohnaka.
      • Fixed.
    • "Falso also expressed his sorrows that Ohnka would negotiate with the Galactic Republic diplomats and ordered Mentir to shoot the Republic shuttle down." Expressed his sorrows with whom?
      • Fixed.
    • "After landing, Falso was awaited by Falso who asked him if he had completed his task." Falso was awaited by Falso?
      • Oops. Corrected.
    • "Mentir hesitantly told him that the shuttle had crashed in the Doshar fields." told who?
      • Fixed.
    • "Falso then asked him if hed had the spice." Fragment, consider merging.
      • Merged.
    • "Mentir first appered as an unidentified pirate in The Gungan General the 12th episode of the Clone Wars TV series, aired at January 9, 2009." While it was the 12th episode, don't mention it because of the unestablished timelime. Airdate is fine.
      • Fixed.
    • Again, a lot of details aren't related to Barb. The article seems if it is a short summary of "Dooku Captured" and "Gungan General". While you do have most information about Barb, please go back and remove any irrelevant details that don't concern him. Sentences like this: "Dooku then choked Falso to death and escaped in their ship.", shouldn't belong in a article about Barb.
      • Fixed.
    • Lee, like your other noms, please make sure you give your articles a good copyedit. I see a lot of grammatical errors, spelling errors, and tense issues. While I corrected most of them, please go back and check for yourself.
      • I'll can't do a copyedit myself.
        • At least try, and once you're done checking, you can ask someone else to give it a copyedit :)
          • I read through the article.
    • JangFett Talk 19:29, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
      • I don't get all really well but thanks for the review Jang. --Clone Commander Lee 14:31, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
  2. Few more for now
    • The "Death as a pirate" section is too small to have its own section. You can merge it with the other.
      • Merged.
    • Intro-"However some clone troopers, along with Gungan Representative Jar Jar Binks, had survived the impact and managed to kill all pirates, except Falso, who returned to the base and told Ohnaka that the Republic had sent an army instead of the ransom." Whle you mentioned the clone troopers and Jar Jar in the intro, you failed to mention it in his bio.
      • Fixed.
    • P&T-"Also, he was able to fly a Flarestar ship so good to force a Nu-class shuttle, piloted by clone trooper pilots down." A bit too POV
      • Reworded.
        • "Good enough" is still more towards POV.
          • reworded.
    • JangFett Talk 17:21, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
      • Fixed. Thanks for both review Jang. --Clone Commander Lee 17:28, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
        • No problem Lee, more to come.
  3. Fett will look once more
    • Intro-"Around 22 BBY, he cooperated with Turk Falso to betray the leader of their gang, who had captured Count Dooku, leader of the Confederacy of Independent Systems." Context on Falso.
      • Fixed.
    • "After discussing the ransom with Ohnaka, Falso met with Mentir and told him that the spice was on the way and ordered Mentir to shoot the Republic shuttle down, being careful to not damage the spice." This sentence needs clarifying. It is quite confusing when Falso ordered Mentir to do something. The way the sentence is worded sounds like Falso is telling Mentir to shoot the ship, however, shoot the ship with what? Where is the spice?
      • Fixed.
    • "Mentir felt the plan was too risky and asked him about Ohnaka. Falso calmed his fears and claimed they would be long gone before Ohnaka realized what happened. Mentir then took a Flarestar-class Weequay ship and waited in Florrum's atmosphere for the arrival of the Republic shuttle." These sentences are too choppy.
      • Fixed.
    • "He opened fire, and after firing two missiles, successfully managed to bring the shuttle down." He opened fire with what? Also after "He opened fire," the next part of the sentence doesn't make sense. "Successfully managed" doesn't work here.
      • Fixed.
    • "He returned to the pirate base where he reported in to Falso." Merge this with the next sentence.
      • Fixed.
    • "Falso then found Mentir, planning to escape with a ship." This sentence is very confusing. Reword.
      • Fixed.
    • BtS- I see a repetition of "He".
      • Fixed.
    • JangFett Talk 00:38, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
      • Got them all. Thanks for the third review Jang. --Clone Commander Lee 10:44, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
  4. Fett IV
    • "After discussing the ransom with Ohnaka, Turk Falso, a fellow pirate in the gang, met with Mentir..." Curious how you say Falso is Ohnaka's second in command in the intro, and then change the context for Falso to "a fellow pirate in the gang". Also, it looks like they're separate. Ohnaka, Turk Falso, a fellow pirate in the gang.. Almost appears if they're three people.
      • Fixed.
        • Prefacing this by stating that I haven't seen any decoded episodes. Is it stated in the decoded episode that Turk Falso is Hondo's second-in-command? If not, then the statement has no basis. - JMAS Hey, it's me! 16:19, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
          • I don't have seen the decoded episode too. So I corrected it. --Clone Commander Lee 16:26, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
            • "After discussing the ransom with Ohnaka, Turk Falso, another pirate in the gang, met with Mentir and told him that the spice was on the way and ordered Mentir to shoot down the" The way it's worded sounds like Mentir is discussing the ransom with three people.
    • Good work Lee, make sure you double check for grammatical errors, underlinking, and tense issues. You can always ask someone to give it a copyedit. JangFett Talk 16:08, 29 July 2009 (UTC)
  5. QGJ
      • The "Life as a pirate" subsection is unnecessary, since it basically covers the whole biography. The biography is rather short, so you don't actually need to use subsections at all.
        • Removed.
      • "After discussing the ransom with Ohnaka, Turk Falso, who was another pirate in the gang, met with Mentir and told him that the spice was on the way and ordered Mentir to shoot down the Republic shuttle, which was transporting the spice, with his ship, being careful to not damage the spice." This sentence is a run-on and reads awkwardly. Split it.
        • Splitted.
      • The last paragraph in the bio is rather choppy. Merge some of the sentences together.
      • Adressed.
      • "Mentir then took a Flarestar-class Weequay ship..." Next sentence: He returned to the pirate base where he reported in to Falso and Mentir. Something's wrong here, because it currently implies as if Mentir reported to himself :P
        • Fixed.
      • Why is the episode guide for "Dooku Captured" listed in the sources? Does it mention Mentir? If not, it should be removed.
        • Removed.
      • Quite good, overall. QuiGonJinn Senate seal(Talk) 20:45, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
  6. Attack of the Clone
    • Please eliminate or regulate all of your uses of "first," "then," and all related words. I'm getting an extremely unnecessary sense of chronology.
      • Removed some of them.
    • Have you checked either The Art of Star Wars: The Clone Wars or Star Wars: The Clone Wars: Visual Guide Ultimate Battles?
      • Checked.
    • Refs go after punctuation, should not be copy-pasted as you've done, and you still need to learn how to use a spell check. By now, if you're really learning from the GA process, you should not be hearing any of these. CC7567 (talk) 03:56, September 3, 2009 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Good article by AgriCorps 06:27, September 4, 2009 (UTC)