- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was unsuccessful. Please do not modify it.
BC-714 luxury transport
- Nominated by: Ghulavar Ø 20:29, November 11, 2014 (UTC)
- Nomination comments: My first Wook-nomination. Hope it meets the requirements.
(0 ACs/0 Users/0 Total)
Support
Object
SE
- Always good to see a new face on here. As this is your first nomination, I will object to things that I would normally fix in my copy edit, to give you an idea what to look for in the future.
"and gathered as much prestige as that most of the passengers despised less comfortable vessels." Can you reword this? As is, it doesn't make sense.- Can you rewrite that part of the sentence? Why did most of the passengers despise less comfortable vessels, and how does that relate to the prestige?
In the history section, can you specify why San Hill visited Geonosis?- Did he travel there because he personally joined the CIS, or because of the Banking Clan? Supreme Emperor (talk) 04:03, December 8, 2014 (UTC)
"headed by general Grievous' Subjugator-class-flagship Malevolence." In this instance, you should capitalize General because it directly precedes Grievous' name. If you were only referring to the rank, then it would be lower case."Later, a pair of these ships" Is there a way to specify how much later?In the characteristics section- "The ship's availabilty was restricted in the market for vessels." How was it restricted?Supreme Emperor (talk) 05:17, November 18, 2014 (UTC)
Jang
Infobox- I would avoid using the databank source entirely. If you can't, change Rise of the Empire and the CIS's referencing, specifically. Since the ship's affiliated with the CIS, per the TCWCG, then I start there as a better source. If you plan to remove the databank source, then please make sure you take a look at the entire article as a whole.The first sentence in the intro needs tweaking. You say "designed by," "used by," and then a lot of "to's' to carry out information. Try to condense and remove any unneeded words."The luxurious interior of the starships often made the passengers despise less comfortable vessels." Really comes out of nowhere in the intro. Try to make this word/flow better in between the banking clan information.Since you do mention that the Malevolence was a flagship in the body's image caption, I'd mention Grievous when you introduce the ship in the intro and in the caption. Now, you can say Grievous's flagship, the Malevolence in the intro without implying he led the convoy. Unless the source does say he did, I'd avoid mentioning that since it would be too extrapolative.I'd mention the "fastest ship in the galaxy" in the intro, since it's rather important."It was able to reach an atmospheric speed of 1,800 km/h while its hyperdrive had a rating of one and a backup rated with six" Something is odd about this sentence. I was puzzled as I read "had a rating of one and a backup rated with six"Avoid using "It" to start a sentence, consecutively. You already used "it" twice in the characteristics."However, there existed two variants of the ship." Huh?Avoid using contractions wherever. Did not instead of didn't, as an example.What do you mean by "standard configuration"? You mean on a normal flight?Try to avoid using "typically" or any words that suggest from your point-of-view. Keep it strictly source-based. So here: "Because of its luxury status, it was typically unarmed." you can easily merge this with the next sentence and reduce its wording. So say "Although unarmed, blah." I think it'll also make for a better read, a better flow, ect.History- "The transport was used as a luxury vessel for the Muun executives of the Banking Clan and gathered much prestige, so that most of the passengers despised less comfortable vessels" You can reduce some of the words here to make it read better. The "so that" clause reads awkwardly.Fact tag in the history.Per my objection above, mention Grievous earlier.The bts needs some work. Since AOTC didn't mention the ship by name, it's best to say it was unnamed, and then mention its name origin later on.Since you said "transports" in the bts, how many were there actually? I was confused during my attempts to correct "was" to "were". You'll see once I save my copy-edit. Please go back and check the movie.- Tip: I fixed these for you, but please do not leave any wording outside a pipelink. Ex: [[Star system/Legends|system]]s should be [[Star system/Legends|systems]]. Be alert next time. JangFett (Talk) 06:07, December 10, 2014 (UTC)
- "the trade organization" What trade organization? JangFett (Talk) 00:17, December 17, 2014 (UTC)
Comments
Vote to remove nomination (AC only)
Idle objection over two weeks old. Toprawa and Ralltiir (talk) 03:07, January 5, 2015 (UTC)- Exiled Jedi
(Greetings) 03:10, January 5, 2015 (UTC) 
IFYLOFD (Enter the Floydome) 03:10, January 5, 2015 (UTC)
