Wookieepedia:Good article nominations/Ando (clone trooper)

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a good article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Ando (clone trooper)

(0 ACs/2 Users/2 Total)

Support

  1. Clone Commander Lee Talk 17:44, September 19, 2011 (UTC)
  2. JangFett (Talk) 03:37, September 20, 2011 (UTC)

Object

Ecks Dee
  • Something that I noticed: "There they were told to stop an attack of the Confederacy of Independent Systems led by the cyborg General Grievous." That isn't just good writing. "Told to stop an attack" doesn't work. Something along the lines of "they were ordered to repel a Confederacy of Independent Systems led..." would be much smoother. 1358 (Talk) 19:32, August 25, 2011 (UTC)
  • Categories are not alphabetized.
    • Done
  • As "Battle of Kothlis" seems to be a conjectural title, you can't refer to it like that in the Bts.
    • Fixed
      • Double-check your additions, please. I've fixed it this time. 1358 (Talk) 18:48, October 3, 2011 (UTC)
  • The first sentence of the bio makes it sound "clone sergeant" was part of his nickname.
    • Clarified
      • Still remains. 1358 (Talk) 18:48, October 3, 2011 (UTC)
        • Now it is done.
  • Probably more to come later. 1358 (Talk) 22:58, September 30, 2011 (UTC)
  • "He fought in the following battle, which became difficult for the Galactic Republic, because the Confederate General Grievous introduced a new weapon that jammed all Republic communications." Unencyclopedic and choppy sentence; please reword.
  • "Despite this new weapon, the Republic was eventually victorious." Short sentence; please flesh out / merge with another sentence.
  • Does Stealth mention that clone troopers are clones of Jango Fett? If not, source to the databank.
  • Is there any reasoning for the two reference notes sourcing the year 21 BBY?
    • For the SW Annual 2011, the reason why it should be sourced along side the novel, and I'll get to that in a second, is because it claimed that some of the TCW battles took place in 21 BBY, and now all the battles/events in TCW are said to be around 21 BBY or in if it's one of the battles mentioned in the Annual article. In the novel, on page 314, Anakin says it's been eleven years since he left Tatooine, so therefore the novel's events took place in 21 BBY. Hope that makes sense. JangFett (Talk) 04:54, October 11, 2011 (UTC)
  • "Ando was part of the fleet and the battle group was ordered…" What battle group? This makes it sound the fleet and the battle group are two different things.
  • "…defend the planet from an attack from the Confederacy of Independent Systems led by the cyborg General Grievous." "from an attack from the" is awkward and needs to be reworded.
  • "Although their mission was complicated by the virus, Jedi Generals Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi ordered a counterattack." This sentence is unclear. First, I wouldn't really classify the virus as an attack (a physical attack in this context) and thus there can be no counterattack. Second, this pretty much makes no sense. Maybe saying something along the lines of "Although the mission was complicated by the virus, <the Jedi> proceeded, ordering a ground attack." Or something like that.
  • "However, the technicians aboard the Indomitable were able to restore the communications, and the Republic fleet forced Grievous to abandon his plans of capturing Kothlis." How and why did they force Grievous to abandon his plans?
  • "…the Republic starfighters supported the ground troops and the Republic was victorious." What starfigters? "The" makes it sound like you've introduced them earlier. "and the Republic..." sounds somewhat choppy there; see if you can do something about it.
  • "The attack from the Confederacy left heavy damages on Kothlis…" What damage? Troop casualties? Elaborate.
  • "…so that they stayed on Kothlis." Awkward wording.
  • I've made some minor rewording during my copy-edit. See if the changes are good.
  • Maybe more to come. 1358 (Talk) 17:05, October 7, 2011 (UTC)
Lee attacks
  • Please give context for Drayk and Ven in the intro/bio.
    • Please explain more clearly what you mean by "context" as I am still fairly new at this sort of thing, sorry.
      • Something to describe the new name/term etc. Here "clone captain" and "clone sergeant" would be fine.
        • Done
  • Underlinking in the bio.
  • Nice work. Clone Commander Lee Talk 17:14, September 13, 2011 (UTC)
Jangeth
  • I think I have mentioned this before to you, please reload your infobox
    • Reloaded
  • You cannot source that he's a clone and male to the databank since it doesn't mention this. Instead please fine a more appropriate source, which, in this case, is the Clone Wars Gambit: Stealth novel.
    • Resourced
  • "Ando stayed with Drayk and Ven on Kothlis to coordinate the remaining troops." Context on Drayk and Ven
    • As I told Lee, could you please explain more on what you mean by "context", since I am still fairly new at this sort of thing, sorry.
      • You need more supporting detail for them and just stating their names brings up confusion for reader if they don't know who these two are. Simply saying "Clone Sergeant Ven and Captain Drayk" is sufficient context. JangFett (Talk) 17:23, September 15, 2011 (UTC)
  • "In 21 BBY, the Galactic Republic dispatched a fleet to the planet Kothlis." A fleet of what?
    • Cruisers
  • I think you should mention Ando and this battle group sent to Kothlis earlier than how it's currently mentioned in the bio. Right now, the pov is only focused on the events surrounding the battle. Keeping the pov on Ando would be more idle since the article is about Ando, not the battle. Was Ando part of this "fleet"?
    • Better?
  • In the intro you say Grievous made use of this new jamming weapon, yet in the bio you just state the Confederacy in general made use of it. Please see what you can do to correct this.
    • Corrected
  • "However, the technicians aboard the Indomitable were able to restore the communication and the Republic fleet forced Grievous to abandon the area." Abandon what area? The system? His house? A local McDonalds?
    • Fixed
  • You mention Ando's rank too late within the biography. I think it will be better if you mention his rank after you introduce him as a clone of Jango. JangFett (Talk) 01:46, September 15, 2011 (UTC)
    • Mentioned

Comments

I will be on vacation for seven days and will not be able to handle andy objections during that time. Someone else will have to fill in.--Talrrivanian JaingHead (Headquarters) 19:16, October 8, 2011 (UTC)

Vote to remove nomination (AC only)

  1. ACvote Objections unanswered for over two weeks. 1358 (Talk) 21:44, October 21, 2011 (UTC)
  2. ACvote Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:10, October 21, 2011 (UTC)
  3. ACvote CC7567 (talk) 04:07, October 22, 2011 (UTC)