- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.
Valarian
- Nominated by: -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 18:48, 25 May 2008 (UTC)
- Nomination comments: This'll probably be my last nom for three weeks or so.
(6 Inqs/0 Users/6 Total)
Support
Well, if it isn't the lovely and talented—GAHHH!! Gonk (Gonk!) 13:31, 8 June 2008 (UTC)- Greyman(Talk) 01:45, 10 June 2008 (UTC)
- Thefourdotelipsis 12:53, 15 June 2008 (UTC)
Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 21:21, 20 June 2008 (UTC)- -- Darth Culator (Talk) 23:06, 20 June 2008 (UTC)
- Outstanding job. Very well-written. Toprawa and Ralltiir 18:27, 22 June 2008 (UTC)
Object
- From the notebook of Darthchristian:
The second sentence in the intro is a run-on. Please correct this.- Fixed.
Are the dashes around, "young for a whipid" needed? The same for the monks later in the article as well.- Well, I don't think commas would work and brackets seem to be disliked by most FAreviewers, so I'm not sure there's any other option. Changed the B'omarr one, though I'm not sure it looks right.
- If thats the case, then yeah, change it back. It was more like a question than an obbjection.
- Well, I don't think commas would work and brackets seem to be disliked by most FAreviewers, so I'm not sure there's any other option. Changed the B'omarr one, though I'm not sure it looks right.
In, "...old cargo hauler which had previously...," please change which to that. It doesn't read right with which.- Changed.
*"...despite Jabba's objections; the Hutt responded...," change the semi colon to a comma and add "and" after it.- Why?
- I really don't think semi-colons work here. It makes it seem like you're just trying to get the info in and it doesn't quite read right when you do that.
- Again, I think it reads better than the alternative, and Gonk -- a college professor in English -- agrees (that's not to say that just because he's a professional means we go with what he thinks works, but it's food for thought)
- Hmmmm...I reread this many times, and I decided; what the heck, it isn't so bad after all. It just didn't seem right to me when I first read it though.
- Again, I think it reads better than the alternative, and Gonk -- a college professor in English -- agrees (that's not to say that just because he's a professional means we go with what he thinks works, but it's food for thought)
- I really don't think semi-colons work here. It makes it seem like you're just trying to get the info in and it doesn't quite read right when you do that.
- Why?
*After you did that, "to attack the Lucky Despot and its patrons and also attempted to...," Seperate the sentence after "patrons" so it isn't a run-on.- See above,
- See previous explanation above.
- See above,
"...former players for Jabba the Hutt, they were her favorite musical group...," doesn't make sense. Change it to, "She hired famed musician Max Rebo and his band, former players for Jabba the Hutt and Valerian's favorite musical group, to provide entertainment for the wedding.- It does make sense, and, IMHO, reads better than the alternative. Perhaps others could chime in?
- Its sort of like the previous objection. If that sentence I suggested really doesn't work, just change "they were" to and.
- Altered, but with dashes.
- Alright, it looks somewhat better.
- Altered, but with dashes.
- Its sort of like the previous objection. If that sentence I suggested really doesn't work, just change "they were" to and.
- It does make sense, and, IMHO, reads better than the alternative. Perhaps others could chime in?
After the Modal Nodes are first mentioned, use a period after it and seperate that sentence into two. It read a lot better after that.- Again, I don't see the need and I think it looks better as is.
- I see your point. Again, more of a suggestion than objection.
- Again, I don't see the need and I think it looks better as is.
Add "and" after "Jabba's various henchmen," and before, "dozens of guests."- That wouldn't make sense.
ou don't pluralize guests in the wedding section.- Done now.
After "later," put a when after the comma.- I'm not sure which "later" you're referring to, but adding "when" after any of them wouldn't make sense.
- Wow, I totally meant to delete this objection. I thought it might work, typed it down, but found later it didn't work. Sorry.
- I'm not sure which "later" you're referring to, but adding "when" after any of them wouldn't make sense.
You don't need the parenthesis around, "who had been rehired to play in Jabba's court."- Changed.
There is an article for Shiri'ani, right?- Yes; now linked to.
Though this isn't a valid objection, can you please make an article for those redlinks? It just makes everything better.- Well, I don't see the point in making two one-sentence articles which could be far better. I'll get around to Herogga eventually, since I plan to GA him someday.
- Very true. Just trying to improve it further.
- Well, I don't see the point in making two one-sentence articles which could be far better. I'll get around to Herogga eventually, since I plan to GA him someday.
In the P&T, I wouldn't use the word disrespected, after what happened at the wedding. Use a word that well represents the fiasco.- Better?
- Yep.
- Better?
- Very well written article otherwise. Darthchristian (Hey!) 16:48, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
- Thank you. I will try to get these addressed later this evening, though I will say that, for a lot of them, it would have been easier to fix them yourself than list them here. No worries, though. :-) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 17:21, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
- I realize that now. For the most part though, they were grammar stuff that I thought should take here first though, to get feedback on whether it sounded right.Darthchristian (Hey!) 11:04, 3 June 2008 (UTC)
- That's understandable. Sorry about the delay, but I've addressed/commented on the remaining objections.
- Quite alright. Darthchristian 17:39, 22 June 2008 (UTC)
- That's understandable. Sorry about the delay, but I've addressed/commented on the remaining objections.
- I realize that now. For the most part though, they were grammar stuff that I thought should take here first though, to get feedback on whether it sounded right.Darthchristian (Hey!) 11:04, 3 June 2008 (UTC)
- Thank you. I will try to get these addressed later this evening, though I will say that, for a lot of them, it would have been easier to fix them yourself than list them here. No worries, though. :-) -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 17:21, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
Some mention should be made of the Dragon's Spine (asteroid field). --Eyrezer 13:00, 6 June 2008 (UTC)- Added a mention. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 15:49, 20 June 2008 (UTC)
- From the desk of Atarumaster88
"Valarian attempted to take control of Jabba's legacy," (Intro) I feel this could be worded better.- Altered.
"She was very attractive for a member of her species,[5] with a thick" Beauty being the eye of the beholder (even for a Whiphid), this is POV.- I'm not sure that it is, but I've altered it some to reflect that it was merely other people's opinion.
"Valarian pumped little additional funds into her hotel casino, and as a result it became quite shabby and run down in appearance, though it did have a reputation for excellent food." This doesn't make much sense.- I don't see the problem, and it makes sense to me → she didn't spend much on the hotel, so it became run down, but it maintained good food. Could you elaborate your objection a tad?
- Misread the passage; it's fine. Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 21:21, 20 June 2008 (UTC)
- Misread the passage; it's fine. Atarumaster88
- I don't see the problem, and it makes sense to me → she didn't spend much on the hotel, so it became run down, but it maintained good food. Could you elaborate your objection a tad?
The brawl section isn't as clear as it could be. Parts of the second paragraph should be in the initial paragraph; specifically the death of D'Wopp. Also, if Valarian's reasoning for murdering her husband is known, that would be good to expound upon.- I've tried to clarify the section; is it any better? We don't know why she killed him, unfortunately; she may have intended to from the beginning of the fight or she may have just lost control.
"Although most of the government were not happy with her presence, once she did not embarrass Mos Entha's major with any foiled criminal operations, she was allowed to keep her post." major confusion, as in that word doesn't seem to belong in the sentence.- Whoops, that's supposed to be "mayor." Fixed.
"His operations were quite successful, and he, Valarian, and Shiri'ani became embroiled in a two-way underground war, each side determined to wipe out the other." How do three people have a two-way war? Could you be a little more clear on the allegiances here?- That was silly wording on my part. Hopefully I've clarified it properly now.
- Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 15:22, 20 June 2008 (UTC)
- Toprawa:
I'd like to see this fleshed out a wee bit to actually name these things, rather than pipelinking them. The herb and the emperor are a bit unfamiliar to me, personally. Additionally, it may be pertinent to explain any kind of link these things have with the character's personality, etc: "Valarian's name may be derived from the strong-smelling herb or the Roman emperor."- Altered a bit; tell me what you think. They don't really relate to her personality at all, I don't think (well, aside from the fact that she probably smelled quite strongly ;-))
- You're fine. Toprawa and Ralltiir 18:27, 22 June 2008 (UTC)
- Altered a bit; tell me what you think. They don't really relate to her personality at all, I don't think (well, aside from the fact that she probably smelled quite strongly ;-))
Please order your Source list by correct OOU publication date- Done.
Please use the InsiderCite template for the Insider articles in that list as well- Done.
You're missing some good P&T info from Star Wars Encyclopedia. Please see me for it.Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:54, 21 June 2008 (UTC)- I got a hold of it myself, and added a tidbit, but there didn't seem to be too much new info there. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 17:54, 22 June 2008 (UTC)
Comments