Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/The Drunk Side

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

The Drunk Side

(6 Inqs/2 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. Inqvote The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am. :P Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:17, 6 June 2008 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Damnit, Wood :P You asked me to review this a week ago, it is your duty to remind me to vote for it when I'm done, too :P lol. Greyman(Talk) 20:28, 8 June 2008 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote -- Darth Culator (Talk) 21:16, 10 June 2008 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote —Xwing328(Talk) 02:30, 11 June 2008 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote Thefourdotelipsis 07:26, 12 June 2008 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Graestan(Talk) 02:45, 13 June 2008 (UTC)
  7. NaruHina Talk Anakinsolo 03:09, 16 June 2008 (UTC)
  8. Sorry about the delay in striking, Goodwood ;) Darth Xadún(Consult the Holocron) 08:26, 16 June 2008 (UTC)

Object

  1. You May Dispense with the Pleasantries, Commander, Toprawa is Here to Put You Back on Schedule:
    • Right then, Mr. Darth...--Goodwood Redstarbird (Alliance Intelligence) 00:21, 28 May 2008 (UTC)
    • You call it a small settlement, but in this next sentence it's a city? These two are not equatable: "preferring to remain there when she visited the city to give"
      • Addressed; replaced with "colony".
    • The "previous owner" could use some kind of conjectural article: "when the previous owner"
      • It isn't necessary to create an article about this for the FAN to pass.
        • It is necessary for all featured article nominations to have all objections stricken before passing and becoming featured articles. I've taken the minimal effort required to create the article for you, so that petty bickering and campaigns to have the Inq strike other people's objections won't have to take place. Graestan(Talk) 04:05, 29 May 2008 (UTC)
    • I'm very hesitant to describe it to something as clearly OOU as a horseshoe, when I'm guessing horses don't exactly exist in the SW universe. Simply saying the "U-shaped" whatever would suffice: "horseshoe-shaped bar"
      • Right. Changed.
    • If this Valley of the Dark Lords is on Korriban, as I'm assuming, it would be best to add "the local" before it for greater context
      • Had a shufti; it's been contextified.
    • Don't be so quick to assume everyone knows who Revan is or what happened to him. "Mindwiped" is very vague, and doesn't describe his condition to the unknowing. Additionally, "the crew of the Ebon Hawk" is just as vague. Context, please: "When the mindwiped Revan, accompanied by the crew of the Ebon Hawk"
      • Contextified Revan to the point of relevancy, but as to the Hawk and who is aplenty, all comrades save Bastila can be there.
    • This reads, literally, that "previous owners" is a service. Please reword appropriately: "previous owners"
      • Amended.
    • Context, please. What is the Star Map? What is its significance, why does he want it, etc.: "as getting into the Academy was the only way to reach the Valley and the Star Map he suspected was to be found there"
      • Contextified in an earlier statement, including a link to the Star Forge. Anything more would be fat on the hog.
        • This still doesn't give me any idea what the Star Forge is, or why it's significant
          • Hence the link, but added another blurb anyway.
    • Context, please. I don't know who these people are. Who is the former Jedi? Significant expansion required here: "After Revan and Juhani met Dak Vesser in the Valley of the Dark Lords, the former Jedi left for Dreshdae"
      • Contextified.
        • This sentence is still problematic. Context needed for this Juhani, and it's clausal confusion to boot. Revan and Juhani are not "the Sith." Please reword: "After Revan and Juhani met Dak Vesser, a former Jedi who had trained alongside the Cathar Padawan, in the Valley of the Dark Lords, the Sith left for Dreshdae,"
          • Fixed again.
    • What is their quest? Please explain: "not wanting to have anything to do with either of them or their quest"
      • Should be obvious now; regardless, thus has it been amended.
    • Increasing examples of assuming the reader knows what this is. Please be careful of this. Explain everything. She defected? Under what circumstances? Context, please: "and the defection of Ban,"
      • Amended.
        • This still is unclear. His "actions" could mean anything. Specify, please: "following Revan's actions"
          • Added a link to the Skirmish on Korriban. Contextualizing his actions beyond this is irrelevant to the cantina itself, as they do not apply to it or its history.
    • This sentence is unencyclopedic, and needs to be removed. We aren't IGN: "However, it is recommended to ignore Juhani's side quest involving the slaver, Xor, until after the battle on the Leviathan."
      • Pruned.
    • Additionally, I'm not sure what's in that link about accessing the premium items, but it sounds very game guide-ish, and I'm guessing it's irrelevant. Toprawa and Ralltiir 05:07, 27 May 2008 (UTC)
      • It is very necessary actually, as it relates to the game's storyline (hence the GameLSmechanics tag) and it's not something you're going to find in the Prima guide.--Goodwood Redstarbird (Alliance Intelligence) 01:15, 28 May 2008 (UTC)
  2. Xadún is here at your request, but expects to be well paid for his services. -
    • Due to the level of detail the following sentences possess, they have become very fragmented. Break them down into seperate sentences.
      • 'When the mindwiped and retrained Jedi Revan, accompanied by his comrades aboard the Ebon Hawk, visited the cantina in 3,956 BBY in search of Star Maps, which pointed out the location of the Star Forge, the hidden weapons factory that powered the Sith war effort, he found that his vessel was the subject of admiration among the pilots and crew who frequented the place.'
        • Duly broken up.
          • This sentence hasn't changed. Maybe your edit was undone. I recommend ending at '...Korriban in 3,956 BBY' Then open the next sentence 'They were searching for star maps to locate the Star Forge...' et al.
      • 'After Revan and one of his companions, Juhani, met a Sith archeologist named Dak Vesser, a former Jedi who had trained alongside the Cathar Padawan, in the Valley of the Dark Lords, the Sith left for Dreshdae, not wanting to have anything to do with either of them or whatever had brought them to Korriban; he took refuge in the cantina before departing the planet.'
        • Broken up and rephrased.
    • 'Later, after securing a Sith Medallion from the corpse of a Sith student who had killed one of his friends and was threatening another, Revan presented the icon to the Twi'lek instructor Yuthura Ban, who was apprenticed to the Sith Master Uthar Wynn and considered second-in-command at the Academy.' I assume the student was threatening one of Revan's friends? Did Revan find the student as a corpse or do we know who killed him? Clarify this sentence please. It may also need revising once you clarify it i.e. breaking it down like the other overly-long sentences i highlighted.
      • Clarified; the Sith was threatening bystanders who appeared to have been his friends. Changed to simply "bystanders".
        • How did Revan aquire the medallion? did he step in to the conflict and fight the student? what happened to the student afterward? was he killed by Revan or merely flee the cantina? More expansion on this please.
    • How did Wynn die? Just extend this sentence. Again, may need breaking into 2 sentences after expansion.
      • Changed "actions" within the link to Skirmish on Korriban to "double-cross and betrayal"; if more is desired, please advise.
    • Offer some examples of the races in the cantina within the Inhabitants section if you can.
      • There's only three, really, but they've been added.
        • I know this was a little nit-picky, but saying what sort of inhabitandts were there can be useful.
    • All in all, it's a fair article, but not great. Seems rarther uncomprehensive for FA status. I know it scrapes it's hull over the word limit too. IMHO, GAN would have been a better choice. Darth Xadún(Consult the Holocron) 11:18, 29 May 2008 (UTC)
      • 1,165 words at latest count. (slips a bag of credits under the table) Thank you for reviewing.--Goodwood Redstarbird (Alliance Intelligence) 18:45, 29 May 2008 (UTC)
        • Anytime. I've put a few more changes to be done. If you would like anything reviewed in the future, just holler. Darth Xadún(Consult the Holocron) 09:51, 30 May 2008 (UTC)
  3. From the cockpit of Xwing328:
    • "Ban, who was apprenticed to the Sith Master Uthar Wynn and considered second-in-command at the Academy." Incomplete sentence.
    • Finish cleaning up the sentence Darth Xadún listed above. Also, I don't like the wording in the following sentence (using two "who" phrases): "The cantina's bartender, who also managed the establishment, was the Rodian Mika Dorin, who had taken over when the previous owner had run afoul of Czerka Corporation."
    • That is all. —Xwing328(Talk) 03:54, 10 June 2008 (UTC)
  4. "While seeking clues to the location of that planet's Star Map, an ancient piece of Rakatan technology that provided clues to the location of the Star Forge, the hidden weapons factory that powered the Sith war effort, Revan found that his vessel was the subject of admiration among the pilots and crew who frequented the place." - This is too much of a run-on. In fact, the whole third paragraph of the "History" section has a chronological problem as you tell us that Revan enters, and then you begin telling us what had happened before. This needs to be restructured. This happens in the third paragraph as well, concerning the deals with the Ebon Hawk owners. Thefourdotelipsis 09:45, 10 June 2008 (UTC)
  5. Though we generally avoid "ultimate fate" type closings, some mention should be made of Dreshdae's condition in KOTOR 2. Given the overall condition of the planet in the latter game, it doesn't really require overt speculation to conclude that the cantina was likely closed. -- Darth Culator (Talk) 15:02, 10 June 2008 (UTC)
  6. Grass clippings:
    • Let's see if we can't break this up, it's rather ponderous: "was a cantina located within the small settlement of Dreshdae on the world of Korriban that operated during the Jedi Civil War."
      • Did my best with the sentence.
    • "he had taken over from the bar's previous owner when he ran afoul of Czerka Corporation." – Some clarity as to who had run afoul is required.
      • Dito.
    • This clause if a bit long and unwieldy, and could benefit from further punctuation: "preferring to remain there when she visited the colony in order to give final approval to Sith hopefuls who had been given medallions signifying their worthiness to attend the Academy."
      • Trimmed and broken up.
    • Mentioning Revan's state in the intro is necessary to avoid confusion.
      • Done.
    • This could use a bit more creative punctuation to appear less like a run-on: "At the same time, many freighter crews, who were contracted with the transporting of Sith artifacts off-world from the excavations within the Valley of the Dark Lords, where many of the ancient Sith Lords of Korriban were buried, would loiter at the cantina in between jobs."
      • Took a shot, please advise if it needs further tweaking.
    • The Star Forge's significance to the earlier Rakata would be helpful.
      • Added.
    • "and those who had owned the vessel previously" should probably go outside the sentence or after some punctuation in a restructured sentence.
      • Broke the sentence into two.
    • "It was therefore likely that the cantina ultimately closed when the Sith destroyed themselves in the years following the Jedi Civil War." – It'd probably be better to leave the speculative statement out, or just mention the Sith's actions without the speculation.
      • Retweaked as best I can.
    • Graestan(Talk) 03:36, 12 June 2008 (UTC)

Comments

  • I'm going to say this as a friendly pre-peer review warning so as to show no ill-will, but please be aware that the article may very well fall under the 1,000 word length requirement after I go through this. Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:55, 26 May 2008 (UTC)