- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.
Shayoto
- Nominated by: IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 03:10, August 9, 2010 (UTC)
- Nomination comments: Where did you dig up that old fossil?
(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total)
Support
No way he could live that long. Chack Jadson (Talk) 22:17, August 24, 2010 (UTC)- —Tommy 9281 23:35, September 1, 2010 (UTC)
- —Jedi Kasra (comlink) 03:01, September 6, 2010 (UTC)
- Toprawa and Ralltiir 20:46, September 23, 2010 (UTC)
Grunny (talk) 05:59, September 24, 2010 (UTC)- Reviewed via IRC. Cylka-talk- 23:26, September 24, 2010 (UTC)
Object
He's climbin in your windows, snatchin' your people up…
I believe that the intro can be trimmed down a bit because a few of the points you make early on are repeated. Try a bit of condensing and reorganizing.- I shaved it down a little bit, I'm not sure how much more I can get rid of.
It still needs a bit of reorganization. Example: "Born some time before the year 4,800 BBY, Shayoto went on to live for more than eight hundred years." The next few sentences make it seem like the reader is kind of going back in time with regard to what Shayoto did for 800 yrs. I'd have started that sentence as you did, but I'd then go on to talk about his training. I'd mention something a bit later on along the lines of, "By the time of the onset of the Great Sith War, Shayoto had lived for more than 800 yrs," or something like that. This will of course cause you to have to do some significant reworking of the intro, but I am confident in your ability to do so.—Tommy 9281 23:11, September 1, 2010 (UTC)- Addressed.
- I shaved it down a little bit, I'm not sure how much more I can get rid of.
Linking issues.- Addressed.
While it is probable that Shayoto fought in the Battle of Deneba, we can't prove it. I personally would remove any mention of the battle from the intro, and give a brief mention of it in the bio.- I think it would be better if I keep the mention of the battle in the intro, but remove the mention of Shayoto participating in the battle (which is what I have done as of right now). How does that sound? Removed the mention of Shayoto fighting in the battle in the body.
- Good show.
- I think it would be better if I keep the mention of the battle in the intro, but remove the mention of Shayoto participating in the battle (which is what I have done as of right now). How does that sound? Removed the mention of Shayoto fighting in the battle in the body.
A bit of PbP in the 3rd paragraph of the bio.- I don't really think that its a problem. Shayoto only has a couple lines, and I think what he says, and the other Jedi's reactions, are relevant.
The part I was referring to is "stepping forward."- Bah bah bah. Addressed.
- I don't really think that its a problem. Shayoto only has a couple lines, and I think what he says, and the other Jedi's reactions, are relevant.
I think the P&T could be expanded a bit, and before you ask how/what I mean, I'm telling you now to figure it out for yourself.- I expanded it somewhat. Not sure how much more I am able to add without making it fluffy, so I hope this addresses your objection.
How about his physical description?- Blarg. Addressed.
- I expanded it somewhat. Not sure how much more I am able to add without making it fluffy, so I hope this addresses your objection.
Tense-shifting in BtS.- Addressed.
- That's all, not bad.—Tommy 9281 23:16, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
- Thanks as always for the review. IFYLOFD (Floyd's crib) 22:54, September 1, 2010 (UTC)
Comments
Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 23:26, September 24, 2010 (UTC)