Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Raid on the Dlarit estate

The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Raid on the Dlarit estate

• Nominated by: Hunter Kahn 17:24, August 26, 2010 (UTC)
• Nomination comments: Hey all. I used to edit here under the name Colinmcev, and I'm returning after a long hiatus. I've got two little bite-size FA noms for starters (this and the related one below), which stemmed from the larger FA project I'm working on right now, Erisi Dlarit. Thanks!

(5 Inqs/1 Users/6 Total)

Support

1. --Eyrezer 03:25, December 23, 2010 (UTC)
2. i enjoyed this. ~ SavageBob 04:24, December 23, 2010 (UTC)
3. CC7567 ^(talk) 23:47, January 17, 2011 (UTC)
4. Cavalier One^{(Squadron channel)} 21:28, January 18, 2011 (UTC)
5. — Fiolli; 14:06, January 20, 2011 (UTC)
6. I totally forgot about this. Good thing I peeped Master Fiolli movin through the RCs :P See my note in the comments below please.—Tommy ⁹²⁸¹ 15:14, January 20, 2011 (UTC)

Object

Xd accidentally entered the FAN

• Your infobox is not sourced. -- 1358 ^(Talk) 18:18, August 27, 2010 (UTC)
  • Fixed. Hunter Kahn 18:36, August 27, 2010 (UTC)

Cylka

• I'm sorry if this will seem offensive, and I'm certainly not trying to question your credibility, but since I'm unfamiliar with the source material, was this actually called "Raid on Dlarit estate" or is this more of a conjectural title?
  • Not at all offensive. I checked and it appears you're right, it was never referred to specifically as that. This was what the article was called before I started on it, but I should've realized it was a conjectural title. I slapped the appropriate tag on the article... — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• Is there enough information to create an article for Loro's mercenary organization?
  • Yeah, I can do that. Before I start the stub though, what name do you suggest (as far as I can tell there was no official name)? Elscol Loro's commandos? Elscol Loro's anti-Imperial mercenaries? Elscol Loro's anti-Imperial organization? Something else?
    • Since the name will have a {{conjecture}} tag, the name is up to you. If Loro's mercenaries dealt exclusively with anti-Imperial situations, then maybe "Elscol Loro's anti-Imperial organization" would probably work and you could say that it was composed of mercenaries and commandos. However, it really is up to you. Cylka^-talk- 01:29, October 16, 2010 (UTC)
      • I made the stub and added the wikilinks in this article. I will improve the stub and add wikilinks to other articles later... — Hunter Kahn 21:22, October 16, 2010 (UTC)
• In the intro and prelude, "Xucphran society" doesn't convey the sense that this is a company. I know that that exact wording was used in a quote, but I think it would be better for the reader to word it a bit more clearly.
  • I tried some different wording. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• What was Ysanne Isard director of? This needs a little context.
  • Oops, yeah, there's a word or two missing there. :D Fixed. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• Why did Isard flee Coruscant? Was it to avoid the virus or something more?
  • I changed this around a bit to try to be more clear on this. — Hunter Kahn 01:03, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
• Why was the Xucphra Corporation picked by Isard and not some other company?
  • I'd actually love to know this myself, but the sources don't really make that clear... — Hunter Kahn 01:03, October 18, 2010 (UTC)
• A liitle context is needed for Wedge. Not everyone is familiar with who he exactly is. (Yes, I know it's blasphemy to say that :P)
  • Bite your tongue! lol Since the last sentence indicates he is in the New Republic, I simply added his rank. Do you think that's enough context? If not, let me know and I'll tweak it further. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• Why exactly did Wessiri get involved with this scheme?
  • The thing is, unless I'm missing something in the book (but I've looked more than once), it never really says why Wessiri attaches herself to Loro's group. It basically just says that she's an ally of Antilles who joins him in his efforts at the Bacta War, and she just ends up helping out Loro... — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• Loro and Quin worked hand-in-hand with the Ashern, a group of Vratix commandos fighting against Human control of the bacta cartel. - Three things with this. (1) This sentence makes it sound as if Loro and Quin usually worked with the Vratix. (2) Who are the Vratix. (3) What was the problem with the Humans controlling the bacta?
  • Broke it out into a few sentences and added some background on the Vratix and Ashern.
• To whom was Loro's back up plan more questionable? To her, Wessiri, someone else?
  • Wessiri seems to be the only one who voices it. Although the way Loro presents it, as a back-up plan less preferable to the Dlarit estate raid, I read it that Loro herself was acknowledging it was the less ethical option than Plan A. If you feel it's POVish though, I'll reword it... — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• How and why did Loro involve the Zaltin Corporation?
  • It doesn't explain exactly why, although I would imagine it's simply because Zaltin are the enemies of Xucphra. And as far as how they involve them, I didn't see anything other than what's in the article already: using their satellites for recon and bringing along some of their men for the raid. Is there somewhere specific that you feel needs more clarification? — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
    • No, it's fine. I just wanted to know if there was any additional info.
• What was the significance of using the former members of the Special Navy Force? Were they just random individuals that were hired as extra "muscle"?
  • Quin used to be SpecNav, so that's where the connection comes from. I added a bit of context regarding this. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• What was the significance of the Zaltin refugees? First, why were they refugees? Weren't they sanctioned by the Zaltin Corporation?
  • As I said above, it doesn't really explicitly explain why Zaltin was involved here, although again I would assume it's because of their rivalry with Xucphra. As far as whether they are refugees, that's what the source says: "...and four humans -- all four of them Zaltin refugees".
• Why did they enter through the solarium and not someplace else? Was this route planned earlier?
  • I don't see any explanation of this in the source. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• with a holoprojector on his desk displaying a meter-tall hologram replica of a statue of himself. - Is this info necessary to the story of the raid or is it just a bit of trivia?
  • I guess it just adds a bit of detail about how arrogant and self-involved Aerin is. But you're right, it's not necessary, so I dropped it. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• For example, although Isard's Victory II-class Star Destroyer Corrupter was already enroute to Halanit for a planned attack there when the raid took place, news of the incident reached the ship before they even arrived. - This will be confusing for the average reader. They won't have any knowledge of the time or distances involved.
  • I tried to reword this a bit. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• She was particularly angry that Iella Wessiri, with whom she had worked when Erisi was undercover as an Imperial spy in the New Republic's Rogue Squadron, was involved with the infiltration. - Erisi was a spy, theoretically an enemy. Why would she care that Wessiri was involved?
  • Erisi worked directly with Iella when Erisi was undercover with the Rogues, so the fact that someone she personally knew was involved in this raid against her family pissed her off. But this isn't an important detail, so I just eliminated it. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• although it was impossible to gauge how strong an effect the raid on Dlarit estate had in leading to that final victory. - Unless you can find an IU source that states this, it has to go since we don't include speculation or "unknowns" in the main body of the articles.
  • Dropped. — Hunter Kahn 14:43, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
• I found quite a bit of underlinking and some present tense prose. I fixed what I encountered, but please double check the article to make sure that I didn't miss any. Once you take care of these objections, I'll take another look. Interesting subject to write about. Cylka^-talk- 23:46, October 10, 2010 (UTC)
  • I didn't catch anything else, but I'll continue looking over the article to make sure I didn't miss anything. Thanks for the review! — Hunter Kahn 14:48, October 11, 2010 (UTC)
    • Just a couple more objections to take care of and I'll look over the article again. Cylka^-talk- 05:02, October 17, 2010 (UTC)
• I expect to have internet connection issues for the next week, maybe a bit longer, so I will pick up my review sometime in the following week. The article is looking good, I would just like to go over it again for some polishing. Cylka^-talk- 16:02, October 19, 2010 (UTC)

Attack of the Clone

• I have some preliminary objections before I get started with my official review in the hopes that some more minor and easily fixable objections can get rooted out first.
• Shouldn't this article be the "Raid on the Dlarit estate"? It otherwise seems like a grammar error. Please clarify.
• Please watch your linking—per the Manual of Style, all articles need to be properly linked once each upon their first mentions in the infobox, intro, and body of an article.
• Please provide proper context for all subjects upon their first mention—i.e., who was Elscol Loro? You mention her in the intro, but you provide no indication as to who she is and/or why she's relevant to the raid on the estate. It cannot be assumed that the reader will be familiar with the source material, so please therefore make it easier for the reader to understand.
• Overall, please watch your formatting. It was rather sporadic in the infobox. I'll give this a proper review once these are addressed. CC7567 ^(talk) 07:54, November 26, 2010 (UTC)
  • I will try to work on these tomorrow, or by this weekend at the latest. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 04:53, December 3, 2010 (UTC)
    • I made the move to "Raid on the Dlarit estate" rather than "Raid on Dlarit estate", as suggested. Please check to make sure I did it all correctly. I also looked through the article again and didn't find any example of underlinking or bad first references. I fact, I found a few redundant links, which I've removed. If I missed any, however, I'm happy to address them as the review proceeds. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 07:20, December 12, 2010 (UTC)
      • I'd like to encourage you to look more carefully at the article to find articles that have not been linked upon their first mention. For example, in the intro: "Ashern Commandos" is not properly linked (only Ashern is linked), and "Imperial," "mercenary," "commandos," and "General" are either not linked at all or are not linked upon their first mention. I'm not going to scrutinize the rest of the article yet because I want to give you a chance to rectify this lack of linking, but please try to do so. If it comes down to typing in every word in the article into Wookieepedia's search function to see which words have articles on the site (or which ones deserves articles), then that's what I'd recommend you do, because all nominations are not only required (per policy) to have proper and adequate linking but are expected to—linking is probably the easiest part of all wiki article writing. Please see what you can do. CC7567 ^(talk) 06:27, December 13, 2010 (UTC)
        • OK, I've tried as best I can to go through this with a fine comb, and these are the wikilinks that I added. I don't believe I've missed any, but if I did, please let me know. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 04:01, December 17, 2010 (UTC)
          • Since SavageBob got here a little bit before me, I'm going to hold off doing a formal review of the article until his bit is fixed, just to avoid the possibility of contradicting objections. CC7567 ^(talk) 08:05, December 19, 2010 (UTC)

Prepare to be savaged...

• Just one thing: Can you give some context on bacta and rylca upon first mention in the body? Otherwise, the article is very clean. ~ SavageBob 19:11, December 15, 2010 (UTC)
  • I added something describing them as "medical substances". Is that sufficient? — Hunter Kahn 02:23, December 23, 2010 (UTC)

Attack of the Clone II

• Do the Ashern Commandos deserve an article? From the way you present them, they seem to deserve one. Also, please be consistent in your capitalization—choosing either "Ashern Commando" or "Ashern commando" depending on the source material and using it throughout the article would be most prudent.
  • The thing is, the Ashern refers to a specific group of Vratix who fought Human control on Thyferra. So really, "Ashern Commandos" are interchangeable with "Ashern", and I really shouldn't refer to them as the former at all. I removed some references to them in that way, except in the lead, where "commandos" remains minimized. — Hunter Kahn 04:16, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
• The way that the intro jumps around chronology a bit is rather confusing and make the real chronology hard to understand: first you say that the commandos infiltrated the estate, then that they took pictures of Dlarit, then you go back to state Loro's original plan, then you go back to detail the actual raid. It would be best if you could phrase it with the least amount of chronological jumps as possible. The way you initially talk about the raid (who launched it, when it took place, where it took place) in the first sentence of the intro is good, but after that it gets rather confusing. Perhaps you can say (after the first sentence) how Loro originally planned to assassinate Dlarit, then explain how Wessiri convinced him otherwise, and then introduce the final plan and the actual flow of events. If you need help with this objection (since I'm not sure if I'm being clear here), just let me know, but please see what you can do.
  • I think I understand what you're saying, and I've reworked the lead a bit to be more chronological. Is this what you had in mind? — Hunter Kahn 04:16, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
    • It's looking better, but one bit concerns me: "The Dlarit estate was the home of Defense Corps General Aerin Dlarit." Is there any way at all that you can fit in this context somewhere else? It's rather extraneous at the moment, and it doesn't match up with the flow of the rest of the section. CC7567 ^(talk) 07:49, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
      • How about this change? — Hunter Kahn 16:38, January 8, 2011 (UTC)
• Please implement the date somewhere in the body of the article for consistency's sake; you already have it in the infobox and intro.
  • I added the date to the beginning of "Targeting Aerin Dlarit". If you think it works better somewhere else, let me know where. — Hunter Kahn 04:16, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
• "Antilles sought the assistance of Elscol Loro and Sixtus Quin": context for those two, please; who are they and why are they relevant to this article?
  • I thought this was made clear in the next part of the sentence, "ran an anti-Imperial mercenary group, etc. etc."? — Hunter Kahn 04:16, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
    • That does highlight their affiliations, but that doesn't explain their occupations. Were they mercenaries? Imperial traitors? Soldiers? Please specify. CC7567 ^(talk) 07:49, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
      • Ok. Added "mercenaries". — Hunter Kahn 16:38, January 8, 2011 (UTC)
• Overall, I think that the Prelude section (mainly "The Bacta War" section, but also for "Targeting Aerin Dlarit") is incorporating bits of information that aren't necessarily relevant to the raid on the Dlarit estate. I do understand that you might be going into detail about the Bacta War because it might not be well-known to the reader, but I don't know if all of the context that you give is necessary; given the detail that it goes into, the Prelude section is currently reading like an article on the Bacta War itself, not the raid. The Prelude should be reserved only for information that is directly relevant to the article's subject (which in this case is the raid itself) and should not detail all events that may be relevant to the article's subject. For example, is the whole bit about how Isard fled Coruscant (does Coruscant even have to be mentioned at all here?) and took control of Thyferra for her virus necessary? Looking at that section, I would only recommend mentioning that Isard took control of Thyferra because she wanted to control the bacta and that Antilles and Rogue Squadron subsequently waged the Bacta War against her—unless there's a very good reason for doing so, you shouldn't have to mention the virus, Coruscant, or even the Lusankya at all, as neither of these subjects appear to have a direct affect on the raid on the Dlarit estate, which is primarily what you should be explaining. My advice to you is that when judging whether to keep a piece of information in the Prelude, ask yourself this: is it a direct motive for why the raid was waged or is it directly relevant to the raid? If the answer to both of these questions is no, then your best bet would be to keep that proposed fact from overflowing the Prelude with too much information. Please try to be stricter about the criteria for relevant info in the Prelude—if you need further help with this, just ask; this is always one of my challenges as a writer as well.
  • I've tightened the first paragraph of this section, which seems to be where most of the trouble was, as the second paragraph is entirely about the raid. I do think some context is needed as to Isard's relationship with Xucphra and why the NR so desperately needs bacta, but you're right, there was too much unnecessary detail. Let me know if you think more needs to be done. — Hunter Kahn 04:16, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
• A bit about the "Planning" section: does this really belong in "The raid" section? I do understand that it contains information about how the raid was planned, but it doesn't dictate how the raid happened, since it isn't part of the actual event—which is what "The raid" section is used to detail. Please therefore try to incorporate this information in the Prelude section.
  • I've moved "Planning" to the prelude section, and removed the subsection "Infiltration", since it was the only subsection left in "The raid", thus making a subsection unnecessary. For the record, I strongly feel it was better structured the other way, but I accept your suggestion. — Hunter Kahn 04:16, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
• As there are some pretty hefty objections, I think I'd better stop here; I want to work these out with you before going into the nitty-gritty grammar stuff. Please see what you can do; the article does have good writing, but I think the article's focus needs to be reviewed. If you need any help or if I'm not being very clear (since I tend to have trouble doing so), just let me know and I'll try to help you further. CC7567 ^(talk) 06:04, December 24, 2010 (UTC)
  • Thanks for a review, looking forward to any further comments. — Hunter Kahn 04:16, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
    • I have to apologize, but I won't be able to continue the review for maybe another week, as semester exams are upon me. If you don't hear from me within a week, please contact me on my talk page; I may have forgotten if that's the case. :/ Sorry for any inconveniences this might cause. CC7567 ^(talk) 18:18, January 8, 2011 (UTC)
      • No problem. Best of luck! — Hunter Kahn 21:12, January 9, 2011 (UTC)

Comments

• Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 15:34, January 20, 2011 (UTC)

Not an objection, but could you adjust the infobox so that the vertical lines are before the parameter, like |image=, not image=|? -- 1358 ^(Talk) 18:49, August 27, 2010 (UTC)

• Done. Hunter Kahn 21:17, August 27, 2010 (UTC)
• Not an objection, but I should let you know that I made several revisions to "The raid" section to smooth out the play-by-play elements. Please try to check it for factual correctness when you get the chance; I want to make sure that nothing got messed up. CC7567 ^(talk) 23:47, January 17, 2011 (UTC)
• Checked it, and it looks fine. Thanks! — Hunter Kahn 00:25, January 18, 2011 (UTC)
• Just an FYI, I forgot about this but I am working on it as we speak.—Tommy ⁹²⁸¹ 15:04, January 20, 2011 (UTC)
• "At the entrance to the mansion, the SpecNav troops used an electronic device to override the solarium's door lock, and the team entered the Dlarit estate." Is this not the same as slicing? I would have objected but it wasn't worth holding up the nomination for that measly reason. If it is indeed slicing you're describing, please make it a bit more evident. Otherwise, good job.—Tommy ⁹²⁸¹ 15:14, January 20, 2011 (UTC)