- The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.
Kaiburr crystal
- Nominated by: Jorrel
Fraajic 04:00, 5 May 2008 (UTC) - Nomination comments: Done, finally. First crystal FA FTW!
(6 Inqs/1 User/7 Total)
Support
Atarumaster88 
(Talk page) 22:53, 11 May 2008 (UTC)
There probably are still some instances of double linking after we did some heavy section moving-around, but I'll trust my colleagues to clean up anything else. Good job, Jorrel Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:23, 20 May 2008 (UTC)- After tweaks Enochf 21:36, 26 May 2008 (UTC)
- Thefourdotelipsis 00:50, 31 May 2008 (UTC)
- Greyman@wikia(Talk) 02:20, 31 May 2008 (UTC)
- -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 11:01, 2 June 2008 (UTC)
- Graestan(Talk) 04:42, 3 June 2008 (UTC)
Oppose
Missing content from Fact File 19. :P To the IRC, m'lad! Thefourdotelipsis 11:05, 5 May 2008 (UTC)- Not anymore it's not. Thanks. JorrelFraajic 17:23, 6 May 2008 (UTC)
- Good man. Thefourdotelipsis 08:03, 7 May 2008 (UTC)
- Not anymore it's not. Thanks. Jorrel
- From the Temple of Self-Inflicting Pomojema Pain,
Atrocious images. Needs some new scans.- No way to get better images.
{{update|[[A Guide to the Star Wars Universe (First Edition)]], [[A Guide to the Star Wars Universe (Second Edition)]]}}... :|
- From the desk of Atarumaster88
Is necklace supposed to be mispelled in that quote?- No. Fixed.
"On Circarpous V, though, Halla, an elder, Force-sensitive woman who claimed to be a Jedi Master knew of the legend and the reports of xenoarcheologists concerning the crystal, after purchasing a remnant of it from a local in exchange for an alcoholic beverage" First part of this reads a bit roughly.- De-roughified.
"While Grammel contemplated the crystal fragment he contacted Governor Bin Essada, who in turn contacted Darth Vader because of Bin's recognizing of the young female as Princess Leia Organa." Bit of a run-on.- No longer runny.
I would not list Skywalker as Vader's son, given that Vader is not aware of this IIRC.- Actually, I think he was aware, per Rise and Fall.
"After an incidence with a native creature, Luke, Halla, Leia, the droids, and the Yuzzem were without a mode of transportation, and were then split up into to teams by a hole in the ground" Describe this more, and possibly change "incidence" to incident.- Expounded upon.
Effect on the Force reads a bit redundant. Might want to reword some of that.- Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88 (Talk page) 19:38, 9 May 2008 (UTC)
- From the Merciless Hammer of Toprawa:
I would like to see something added to the intro describing that, in addition to its healing abilities, it augmented a Force-users strength in the Force when close to it. This is only roughly alluded to late in the second paragraph- Added, though the "allusion" was a bit stronger than "roughly", IMO.
The intro becomes a bit PBPish. We don't need to know the details of Vader tripping over his arm and falling into a bit. Ultimately irrelevant to the crystal itself- Removed.
The healing's don't read well here. Please reword: "legendary healing to heal"- Rephrased. Also, "healing's"? :P
Wait, what? How did we go from Skywalker's Praxeum back to Vader's lifetime? This all needs to ordered chronologically, please: " The shard, which began the adventure on Mimban, would stay in Darth Vader's possession until he gifted it to his apprentice, Lumiya, who used it in her lightwhip."- Rearranged
Ok, the introduction is just not ordered well. The third paragraph describing its effects should really be first, and then you should talk about its history- Took a valiant effort in reordering, though it's definitely rough.
You already said this: " and Dark Lady of the Sith Lumiya utilized it in her lightwhip."- Rephrased so the redundancy isn't present.
Due to the mystery of the crystal, legends were formulated to explain its mystery? Please reword: "Due to its mysterious nature, several myths were formulated to explain the mystery "- Reworded.
Please create an article for this "lizard-like creature" defending the crystal: "One was formulated by the residents of Circarpous V, locally known as Mimban, began attaching the crystal to one of their legends: "an immense but slow lizard-like creature"- Technically, not a valid objection :P ; I did go ahead and make one though.
Rather than speculating like this in the article, this should really instead be explained as a footnote, or more appropriately, in the BTS. You should explain its existence as a lightsaber crystal, and then use the footnote to explain the Exile's involvement: "As it was during the time of the Jedi Exile in 3,951 BBY, it is possible that, in her travels, the Exile acquired the powerful crystal, and utilized it in her lightsaber as a focusing crystal."- Eh, I'm not too sure about this one. I've not touched it quite yet, as I'm still toying with where to put it exactly.
- Well, it seems like this has a bit of an ambiguous canon element to it, as to whether or not the Exile ever attains it. Feel free to discuss with me in IRC. Toprawa and Ralltiir 18:31, 19 May 2008 (UTC)
- Eh, I'm not too sure about this one. I've not touched it quite yet, as I'm still toying with where to put it exactly.
What is "it"? The crystal or the reports? Please specify: "as well as studying it"- Clarified.
Please link to their language article. If we don't have it, I know the book specifies their language by name. Please create one in that case: "Skywalker was also able to communicate in the Yuzzem tongue"- Linked to Yuzz.
Destruction of what? Never specified: "After the escape and following destruction"- Specified'd.
This sentence does not read well. Please reword: "Both the Rebels and Imperials made their way, with the Rebel group leading, and the Imperials, slightly behind, tracking and following them."- Explained, reworded, and expanded slightly.
The "Tracking down the Temple" section as a whole has very little to do with the crystal itself, and its description would be more appropriate to, perhaps, the SotME article instead. Heavy condensing, if not outright removal, is required. I will also point out that the crystal isn't mentioned once in that entire section.- The problem is it's all completely relevant to the discovery of the Temple, and thus the discovery of the crystal. Perhaps if you would expound upon what you mean more specifically, I'd be able to get a better idea at what you want. Koovy?
Please handle these objections, and my copy-edit will continue, so I may have a better feel for how this article will shape up.Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:57, 19 May 2008 (UTC)Please reword the "Imperial...force <-> force...Imperial." Kind of reads awkward: "an Imperial force, forcing the Imperials to retreat"- Reworded.
This refnote explanation needs to list a source for this claim: "An explanation was given prior to the release of Rise and Fall of Darth Vader"- Sourced appropriately.
The first paragraph of the "Duel's end" section needs a source. There's a [source?] tag for your convenience.- Sourced.
I've rearranged this sentence a little bit, but please specify how she "used it." In her lightsaber? "Leia Organa Solo, after nearly forgetting about the crystal until twenty-three years after her adventure on Mimban, used it,"- Clarified.
This doesn't exactly match what you have in the intro, which says that Vader gave it to her. This seems to read that she took it herself: "Lumiya had acquired the crystal from her former master's personal items."- Remnant from early writings; fixed appropriately.
The "Properties" section, which serves as the "Description" or "Characteristics" section, should appropriately precede the "History" section in accordance with our other non-character articlesToprawa and Ralltiir 18:31, 19 May 2008 (UTC)This bit should be moved into the refnote, rather than speculated upon in the article: " little information was known beyond that, possibly hinting towards a widespread unknowing of the story of the crystal."Toprawa and Ralltiir 00:01, 20 May 2008 (UTC)Please arrange the source list by correct real-world publication date- Done, except for those I couldn't find info on.
Now that the sections have been moved around, the "Properties" section should do a little better job of more clearly explaining its origin and existence in the temple on Mimban. It doesn't have to be anything too elaborate, as that's what the History section is for, but saying just that should suffice.- Added a little precursor so the "decreased in proportion to the distance from the temple" bit makes sense.
It may be appropriate to add a bit to the BTS, as the template promises, explaining any other possible courses in the KOTOR game in which the Exile does not end up with the crystalToprawa and Ralltiir 00:22, 20 May 2008 (UTC)- Information added to BTS.
In the Databank referencing, please use our Databank template rather than the URL linkToprawa and Ralltiir 00:22, 20 May 2008 (UTC)- Databank template used.
- When you go through to strike the various objections, don't forget about the one with the Jedi Exile, mkay? (Emkay! :P) JorrelFraajic 01:00, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
- Done. :) Toprawa and Ralltiir 01:23, 20 May 2008 (UTC)
- When you go through to strike the various objections, don't forget about the one with the Jedi Exile, mkay? (Emkay! :P) Jorrel
- Databank template used.
- Grass clippings:
The first sentence of the intro is a bit awkward, and should probably be split into two sentences for a smoother read.- Split.
"After enlisting the help of Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa, who crash-landed on Mimban, helping the two escape from prison, and catching the attention of the Dark Lord of the Sith Darth Vader, she and her allies went on an expedition to acquire the ancient relic." – This sentencereally needs to be broken into a couple of sentences for clarity.- Broken.
This sentence seems a bit redundant, and could probably go: "Vader, though powered by the crystal's closeness, lost the battle."- Reworded.
"Halla handed Skywalker the Kaiburr crystal, and, along with his inherent Force sensitivity, used its legendary focusing powers to heal both himself and Organa, as the two were critically injured by the attack." – This has some agreement issues; please reword.- Done.
"One was formulated by the residents of Circarpous V, locally known as Mimban, who began attaching the crystal to one of their legends, stating that the crystal was created by Pomojema, a third-rate local god described and known as the god of the Kaiburr." – This should be broken up and reworded for clarity. It sounds as though the Mimbanites are known locally as Mimban, as is. Also, third-rate? This is POV, I think.- Added clarifier; also, broken up.
The information regarding the KotOR II appearance varies between the article, which states that a shard was used, and the BtS, which states the crystal itself appeared. Please remedy this. Personally, I'd state either in the BtS or the footnote that we don't know if it was a shard or the crystal, and use vague wording in the article so as not to specify.- We do know that it was a shard of the crystal, as it was small enough for use in a saber. Fixed the BtS accordingly.
Honestly, do we need all this "known locally as Mimban" if you're going to call it Circapous V afterwards? I'd either drop the phrase or change the mentions to "Mimban" after that point.- There was actually only one other mention of "Circapous V" after the phrase. Mimban is used way more often.
"a duel with Organa started" isn't exactly the voice I am looking for. Please be more specific.- Specified.
"Leia dealt Vader a few blows, but was soon bested due to the Sith's skills, but she handed off the saber to a freed Skywalker." – This is a run-on.- Indeed. De-runnified.
"Another duel, this time between Skywalker and Vader, ensued." – This is also a bit unnecessary—perhaps a setup sentence at the beginning of the paragraph could take its place.- Changed.
- Graestan(Talk) 04:31, 2 June 2008 (UTC)
Comments
- Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 04:42, 3 June 2008 (UTC)