Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Hugo Bartyn

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Hugo Bartyn

(4 Inqs/2 Users/6 Total)

Support

  1. Inqvote Xicer9Atgar(Combadge) 15:32, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
  2. Thefourdotelipsis 07:00, July 3, 2010 (UTC)
  3. NAYAYEN:TALK 11:21, July 3, 2010 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote CC7567 (talk) 03:10, July 21, 2010 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote --Eyrezer 05:19, July 26, 2010 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Cavalier OneFarStar(Squadron channel) 12:09, July 30, 2010 (UTC)

Object

  • Intro is way too long. IMO, three paragraphs would suffice. -- 1358 (Talk) 18:41, June 29, 2010 (UTC)
Nayayen's prowling the FAN again
  • In the intro, "Bartyn's working performance was way too lucrative for ORO". What do you mean by "way too lucrative"? Also, "way too" is quite colloquial phrasing.
  • Do the "poor, uneducated amphibious aliens" get an article?
    • Linked - They were known as First-Wavers but only posthumously. Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:14, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
  • You use circa in the intro but then use c. in the body of the article. Can't you just use circa in the intro and the body?
  • "even if most of his friends and even his bosses", this is a little repetitive and ever-so-slightly colloquial; can you change it up a bit?
  • Do you mean rusted instead of rustled boats?
  • I don't see how any of the stuff about his name is necessary and it isn't sourced at any rate.
  • One hell of a fishmonger otherwise, good job. NAYAYEN:TALK 11:29, July 1, 2010 (UTC)
Kid-gloves. Made from real kids.
  • "He manipulated events so that ORO would name him Administrator of the planet in exchange for mining rights and then, while still profiting ORO, turned to exploit the sealife as a personal venture." - The use of "turned" here is a bit odd.
  • "otherwise be unable to milk appropriately." - The use of "milk" here is a touch colloquial.
  • "In months time" - In a month's time, or over the course of several months?
  • "On Earth, "Hugo" is a real given name, a latinized form of the Teutonic name Hugh. This name had been previously used for other characters in the Star Wars canon, including Hugo Cutter, Naboo Hugo Eckener and Corellian Hugo Treece. " - Eh, this is kinda trivial.
  • Otherwise, good. Thefourdotelipsis 13:00, July 1, 2010 (UTC)
Xicer
  • Intro: "He was also a big-game hunter and a speciesist prone to chasing and killing sentient beings until their extinction." How can he chase and kill a "being" to extinction? Do you mean a species?
  • "Alien" is a bit of a humano-centric term. Could you use something like "non-Human" instead?
    • I still can't see how non-Human is less humano-centric, but changed except when almost-quoting. Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:14, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
  • Could you turn the first chunk of the bio into a named subsection?
  • Bio: "Lastly, the crafty Bartyn managed to delete the coordinates of Lamaro from most of the star charts." What star charts?
  • Bartyn's Landing: "Bartyn's side company, Bartyn Gourmet Delicacies, became his greatest source of income, as the product was in great demand particularly among Alderaan nobility, Hutts, and dilettantes." What product?
  • There are several areas in the "Legacy" section where you use his first name.
    • Replaced by "Hugo Bartyn". Saying only "Bartyn" would be imprecise at that point. Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:14, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
  • Legacy: "These people also found an anti-human terrorist group that was wanting to take revenge because of Hugo's perceived crimes." Could we get an article on this terrorist group?
  • Interesting fellow! Xicer9Atgar(Combadge) 02:21, July 2, 2010 (UTC)
Attack of the Clone
  • "After a time, they were believed to have annihilated the coastal-dwelling Menahuun": who's they? Using unspecific pronouns at the start of a new paragraph isn't always a good idea.
  • "the first person to use this name was unknown": OOU perspective alert. I'm sure that the first person who did use it was known to others in-universe, and just because we don't know who it was doesn't mean we should automatically generalize it as unknown. Please reword.
    • Nope: IU, the 1st person to use the name Bartyn's Landing was unknown. Skippy Farlstendoiro 15:34, July 19, 2010 (UTC)
      • I'm still hesitant about using such an absolute statement. Is there any chance that it can be reworded more neutrally by perhaps saying that the first person who used it was "never recorded," with respect to the source? In general, even when a source states that something is unknown, saying that in the canonical body of an article only places limits on knowledge, which isn't a good idea since we're an encyclopedia. CC7567 (talk) 01:53, July 20, 2010 (UTC)
        • Ooookey, changed to never recorded (albeit who knows? Maybe it was recorded and later lost). Btw, page 32: "Who first dubbed the town Bartyn's Landing is a mystery, but the long-lived MD droid named Doc (...) often claims to have coined the name".--Skippy Farlstendoiro 14:47, July 20, 2010 (UTC)
  • "and Bartyn also restricted the food and space assignations": what exactly do you mean by "space" here? Realspace? Living space? Please clarify.
  • "but eventually the truth became known in the Landing, which was the worst that could happen to Bartyn": specifically, why was this so bad for him? Please specify.
  • Since you detail his references in sources and even mention the indirect mention, please mention the CSWE somewhere; the Bts source coverage is a little inconsistent otherwise.
  • Article requires the {{1st}} or {{1stm}} tag somewhere. CC7567 (talk) 04:20, July 19, 2010 (UTC)
Eyrezer

As far as I can tell, partidaries is only a Spanish word. Can you reword this? --Eyrezer 04:00, July 26, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 12:09, July 30, 2010 (UTC)


  • Another appropriate image would not go amiss. Perhaps an image of a Menahuun? --Eyrezer 04:07, July 26, 2010 (UTC)