Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/Fohargh

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

Fohargh

(5 Inqs/0 Users/5 Total)

Support

  1. Inqvote As long as Acky's objection is fixed. I, too, noticed that. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 18:03, 7 November 2008 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Chack Jadson (Talk) 13:13, 22 November 2008 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote There's something to be said about articles that go through the GAN process first. Cull Tremayne 15:00, 22 November 2008 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Thefourdotelipsis 02:17, 23 November 2008 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote Lord Hydronium 05:44, 23 November 2008 (UTC)

Object

  1. From the Desk of Atarumaster88
    • Intro is quite short. Beef it a little por favor.
      • I would, given my track record for long intros, but there just isn't enough material. I'm not trying to inflate the thing ;)
    • Combo one of the bio sections with another; they're quite short.
      • Addressed.
    • Last sentence of Sith training needs moved. It should go after the beginning of the "First encounter" section. Regardless of how you do it, some reordering needs done in order to get the proper chronological ordering.
      • Addressed, I believe.
        • Nope, not quite. I'd like to see Bane introduced before you start talking about his tension with Fohargh. Also, it looks like you just cut-n-pasted, which means there's an extraneous ref tag there. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 00:13, 5 November 2008 (UTC)
          • I hear you. However, the story, as being told from Bane's POV, gives the opposite of what you are asking for. It's all about Bane until this small part, where Karpyshyn then mentions Fohargh. It has to be told in a delicate manner so as to avoid speculation and OR. I did change up the wording slightly, so as to sort of introduce Bane at the same point of the article. Please advise if this change is satisfactory or no.—Tommy9281Red lightsaber (Peace is a lie) 00:47, 5 November 2008 (UTC)
            • I've made a minor rewording that still avoids the OR line, I think. Change it back if not, but that little fix was enough for me. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 02:09, 5 November 2008 (UTC)
    • Personality and traits section is quite choppy. Please make it flow better.
      • Addressed, I believe.
        • Nope. You end in a fragment that trails off . . . Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 00:13, 5 November 2008 (UTC)
          • Wow I thought I saved the page. Addressed now, my fault.
    • There should be a link on the "defensive barriers" in P&A.
      • Oops. Addressed.
    • Actually, your P&A appears to be wrong: Fohargh did defeat Bane in combat, according to the bio, but failed to protect himself afterward. Your P&T should also include mention of this vindictiveness and arrogance. Please correct.
    • Have a Super Terrific Friendly Un-frustrating day. Atarumaster88 Jedi Order (Talk page) 17:18, 4 November 2008 (UTC)
  2. I know I raised this issue and ultimately struck it while this was on GAN, but I still have problems with the first paragraph of "Encounter with Bane." It's written as it would be in Bane's bio, and while I appreciate that the story is told from Bane's POV, you can still change it to be better. Bane seems to be the first subject mentioned in a lot of sentences, e.g. "This was not the case, and instead, Bane was soundly defeated by his saurian opponent" should read "This was no the case, and instead, Makurth soundly defeated Bane" or whatever. This persists throughout the entire bio and I'm not happy with it, though that paragraph is the most standout. "Weeks passed, and Bane had been relentlessly honing his lightsaber technique, in preparation for the day when he would face Fohargh again in the Academy's rooftop dueling ring. When that day arrived, Bane promptly entered the ring and beckoned his opponent, a challenge that was immediately met by Fohargh." Again, this is one example that should start with Fohargh and then mention Bane's preparations after Fohargh accepted the challenge. It's a bio for Fohargh, not a summary of SWDBPODANOTOR, and I think more can be done to make it read less like Bane's bio. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 13:44, 5 November 2008 (UTC)
    • Should be good now.—Tommy9281Red lightsaber (Peace is a lie) 02:53, 7 November 2008 (UTC)
      • Looks a good sight better. I noticed some stuff that reads a little narrative-y but I'll get back to you when I'm less tired with a full review. -- AdmirableAckbar (Talk) 01:58, 9 November 2008 (UTC)

Comment

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 05:58, 23 November 2008 (UTC)