Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/First Battle of Onderon (Naddist Uprising)

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

First Battle of Onderon (Naddist Uprising)

  • Nomination comments: Another one of my cellphone butters...

(6 Inqs/1 Users/7 Total)

Support

  1. Inqvote Greyman(Talk) 01:29, 20 June 2008 (UTC)
  2. Inqvote Thefourdotelipsis 02:12, 20 June 2008 (UTC)
  3. Inqvote —Xwing328(Talk) 04:17, 3 July 2008 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote Cavalier One(Squadron channel) 15:20, 9 July 2008 (UTC)
  5. Inqvote Toprawa and Ralltiir 23:36, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
  6. Ifindyourlackoffaithdisturbing (You're all clear kid!)(Now let's blow this thing and go home!) 02:24, 14 July 2008 (UTC)
  7. Inqvote Graestan(Talk) 22:23, 16 July 2008 (UTC)

Oppose

  1. From the cockpit of Xwing328:
    • Overall, the writing is not the best. I'd consider rewording the first sentence to something that flows better, like "The First Battle of Onderon was the opening conflict of the Freedon Nadd Uprising, taking place early in the year 3,998 BBY."
      • Really no other way to say it, sorry. If you really want me to change it, I will.
    • "...radiated with the dark side power of the Sith magic." Sounds weird.
      • Thats exactly how it was described, as radiating with Sith magic. I did remove some of the fluff, however. It should look/sound better now.
    • The two paragraphs in "Duel with a dark Jedi" repeat themselves. —Xwing328(Talk) 22:36, 29 June 2008 (UTC)
      • Addressed.
  2. Toprawa
    • For starters, please either user last names or full names in your quote dialogues. Enough of this first name stuff.
      • Addressed.
    • Since you're taking this from the audio dramas and this is your interpretation of how it sounds and not from any actual script, ax the capitalized quote lines. Overboard and unnecessary.
      • Addressed.
    • We've discussed this before, and I told you I was going to make you change this yourself the next time I saw it. Never, ever, use an ampersand in lieu of the word "and." Please make the appropriate changes.Toprawa and Ralltiir 17:23, 4 July 2008 (UTC)
    • In the infobox "Place" field, that is essentially reading that Onderon is the capital city of Iziz. Please reformat.
      • Addressed.
    • Also, to whom is Ommin revealed in the infobox? To the Jedi? If so, please specify. Toprawa and Ralltiir 22:53, 5 July 2008 (UTC)
      • Addressed.
    • Unless Jeth actually says this, this is speculation: "Jeth ordered the construction of a nigh-impregnable tomb on Dxun."
      • Addressed.
    • Who jumped off, and off of what? Qel-Droma or Doneeta? "At the last moment, he jumped off and returned to his Jedi companions" Toprawa and Ralltiir 03:30, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
      • Addressed.
    • If the story doesn't specify Chaos exactly, this is OR: "whom he had summoned personally from Chaos" Toprawa and Ralltiir 14:39, 6 July 2008 (UTC)
      • Addressed per IRC convo.
  3. From the squadron briefing of Cavalier One
    • In the quote for the Death of Warb Null section, Ulic says "The same mercy you showed my brother!" What does this refer to? Did Null injured Cay during the main battle? - Cavalier One(Squadron channel) 12:47, 8 July 2008 (UTC)
      • I knew someone was going to catch this. Per our IRC convo, info has been added to the BTS. Addressed, and thank you for looking!—Tommy9281 Red lightsaber (Peace is a lie) 15:18, 9 July 2008 (UTC)
  4. Preliminaries from Grae:
    • Unsourced item in the infobox.
      • Addressed.
    • Cite Error for reference tag 4.
      • Addressed.
    • Intro needs to be revisited, paying attention to what needs context.
      • Addressed.
    • I'll look more closely in a day or so. Graestan(Talk) 03:12, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
      • Thank you for looking. I fixed these in my REC, so the reftag may be bigger than the others, but I can't tell because of the phone. Nonetheless, it's there now. If it is bigger, either I'll fix it later or someone can be kind and hook it up for me. Otherwise, I'm ready for whatever comes next.—Tommy9281 Red lightsaber (Peace is a lie) 12:10, 10 July 2008 (UTC)
  5. Grass clippings:
    • Amanoa's former role as a dark side adept would help in the intro.
      • Addressed.
    • Not so sure Dxun was the "fourth moon," as it orbited very close to the planet. In fact the Tales of the Jedi Companion states that it is the closest.
      • Actually, the audio identifies Dxun as the fourth moon, but I changed it anyway. Addressed.
    • "Funeral for the Queen" has tense issues. I attempted to sort them out, but the conflict between imperfect, perfect, and pluperfect tenses pervades. Please revisit the wording. I suggest removing the portion of the first sentence that refers to a time later than those described in the following sentences.
      • Addressed, with assistance from the most Admirable Ackbar.
    • "drilled its way upwards out of the ground … protruded … sprang forth from below" is doubly redundant.
      • You are correct. Addressed.
    • "Oron Kira and his men engaged the Naddists as the dark-siders emptied their war machine" – This makes it seem as though the Naddists and dark-siders were not the same group.
      • Addressed.
    • Should Chaos get an article?
      • Oversight. Addressed.
    • Graestan(Talk) 02:22, 14 July 2008 (UTC)

Comments

  • May be a little rough round the edges(my mind & talents have been elsewhere as of late), but it shouldn't be anything that can't be easily remedied.—Tommy(There are no Jedi here) 14:42, 5 June 2008 (UTC)
  • Sorry, Xwing. Honestly, this was kind of difficult to write. It took me quite a while to get it to this point. At any rate, thanks for looking, and if I can fix anything else, just let me know.—Tommy9281 Red lightsaber (Peace is a lie) 16:37, 1 July 2008 (UTC)
    • I appreciate the effort you put in to it, really. I've never even tried to take on writing an FA by myself. Just work on your comma use, word choice, etc. You used quite a few commas where they didn't belong and missed some where they were needed. A quick glance at these grammar tips would actually help quite a few editors here... I still don't like the sound of the first sentence, but I'm willing to support now. Thanks for fixing the objections! —Xwing328(Talk) 04:17, 3 July 2008 (UTC)
  • Thanks for looking, Toprawa. If there is anything else, please notify me.—Tommy9281 Red lightsaber (Peace is a lie) 20:59, 7 July 2008 (UTC)