Wookieepedia:Featured article nominations/CC-5869

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The following discussion is preserved as an archive of a featured article nomination that was successful. Please do not modify it.

CC-5869

  • Nominated by: Clone Commander Lee Talk 15:48, October 10, 2010 (UTC)
  • Nomination comments: My second FA. 1,039 words, be gentle.

(3 Inqs/4 Users/7 Total)

Support

  1. QuiGonJinn Senate seal(Talk) 13:54, October 28, 2010 (UTC)
  2. User:Brightfur (User talk:Brightfur) brightfur 03:48, December 4, 2010 (UTC).
  3. Inqvote Provided that Xd's bits are fixed. Sorry, totally forgot about my last objection. CC7567 (talk) 08:11, December 19, 2010 (UTC)
  4. Inqvote --Eyrezer 03:42, December 23, 2010 (UTC)
  5. Coruscantfan 19:12, January 3, 2011 (UTC)
  6. Inqvote Very nice. Toprawa and Ralltiir 00:44, January 11, 2011 (UTC)
  7. Excellent. Some of your finest work. Menkooroo 03:19, January 11, 2011 (UTC)

Object

A quickie
  • According to Star Wars Annual 2011, TCW is now set in c. 21 BBY. Please make the appropriate changes. I'll review it fully later. QuiGonJinn Senate seal(Talk) 16:24, October 10, 2010 (UTC)
    • Sorry for the delay, but I had to update my other articles first. Awaiting the full review, thank you. Clone Commander Lee Talk 16:49, October 10, 2010 (UTC)
  • In the intro, elaborate on Falso's motives a bit. Otherwise, the whole betrayal thing is confusing. "However, they were betrayed by one of Ohnaka's henchmen, Turk Falso, "
    • Contexted a bit.
  • The first intro paragraph ends with the clones retreating to the geyser after being attacked, and the second starts with the pirates leaving with the ransom. How did the pirates obtain the ransom?
    • Fixed.
  • Also, could you provide a short description of the geysers both in the intro and in the body?
    • Added a little bit.
  • So, did they repair it? "While Binks buried the senator, two of Stone's troopers tried to repair the homing beacon in order to contact Coruscant."
    • Fixed.
  • "Serving under a Gungan" section. Too many consecutive sentences start with "after." Vary your word usage.
    • Varied.
  • This reads like Stone sent Binks to negotiate with the tanks :P "While following them, Binks spotted several pirate tanks and showed them to Stone. The commander then sent Binks to "negotiate" with them. "
    • As stupid as Jar Jar is he would negotiate with the tanks. Fixed
  • "After Binks climbed up onto one of the tanks, the Gungan accidentally drove one of the tanks in the energy lines, collapsing it" Was it the same tank he climbed onto?
    • Fixed.
  • Some grammar issues here. Also, what did they do to the pirate? Did Stone keep holding him on blaster point for the remainder of the mission? "In the ensuing chaos, Stone saved Binks by holding a pirate on blaster-point who tried to shoot Binks."
    • Hope it is clearer now.
      • Still not good. holding a pirate on blaster-point who tried to shoot Binks. This still reads awkwardly. Also, what's "gratulating?" Did you mean "congratulating?" If so, congratulating him on what? And it's still not clear what they did to the pirates. QuiGonJinn Senate seal(Talk) 15:17, October 23, 2010 (UTC)
        • Should be clearer now. The problem is we don't now if they killed, captured or ate the pirates. Clone Commander Lee Talk 15:25, October 23, 2010 (UTC)
  • How exactly did Kenobi settle the matter? "while Kenobi settled the matter with Ohnaka."
    • Contexted.
  • Bad episode; nice article. QuiGonJinn Senate seal(Talk) 20:56, October 15, 2010 (UTC)
Attack of the Clone
  • I think it's worth mentioning in the intro that Binks was the highest ranking officer and was in charge of the mission. Without looking at the leading quote, it's not clear who was in charge of the mission, and it can be interpreted that Stone in fact was.
    • Fixed.
  • For consistency's sake, please choose a specific way to refer to Stone in the quote captions and stick with it.
    • Fixed.
  • "while Kenobi told Ohnaka that he held no grudge against him and would leave him in peace": why? Did the pirates capture the Jedi? Please clarify.
    • Fixed.
      • The "despite their capture" still leaves the matter open to misinterpretation. What capture, specifically, are you referring to, and by whom? Please elaborate. CC7567 (talk) 05:51, November 30, 2010 (UTC)
        • Should be clearer now. Clone Commander Lee Talk 18:17, November 30, 2010 (UTC)
          • I don't normally like to do this, Lee, but please take a very close look at what you added. Do you see anything wrong with it? Because there is an error in there, and the only reason I'm choosing to mention it instead of fixing it myself is because this is not the first time in the span of only a few days where you've let a minor but nevertheless significant typographical error slip through your pre-submission proofreading, if you did any before submitting the revision. Please, please be more careful and take time and care to proofread your work before submitting an edit. That's a rule I not only try to impress upon others, but myself as well. I simply think that you would benefit if you just took more time—even if it's only a few seconds—to proofread your work. I hope that you can understand that I'm not doing this because I'm trying to harp on you—I'm doing this because I want you to do better and because I know that you can do better; I wouldn't be saying anything if I didn't care about your progress. That aside, please try to specify the reason for Ohnaka's capture of the Jedi; it will make the context much clearer here. CC7567 (talk) 06:04, December 1, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Stone obeyed the orders given to him, not asking if they came from Binks or Jedi General Kenobi": the "not asking if" part is rather awkwardly worded, and I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say. Please clarify.
    • Fixed.
  • What is the info, if any, from Clone Wars Adventures? I personally haven't seen him there, but then again I haven't played it through. If it's just repeated info, it doesn't have to go into the article, but please clarify all the same. CC7567 (talk) 23:38, November 26, 2010 (UTC)
    • Thanks for the review. There is no new info about him in the game. Clone Commander Lee Talk 17:56, November 29, 2010 (UTC)
  • Going off Xd's objection, I really think it would help if you cut down the intro. Comparing it to the bio, it's almost half of the Bio's size—and that's definitely not proportionate. Remember, intros only have to give the reader the most basic understanding of the material. CC7567 (talk) 03:38, December 2, 2010 (UTC)
    • Cut.
      • When I asked for the intro to be cut down, I didn't mean by just removing a few words—the intro is still nearly half of the Bio's size. I'm looking for an intro that's half the size of the current one, so please see what you can do. CC7567 (talk) 02:27, December 4, 2010 (UTC)
        • Sorry I misunderstood you. Please try it now. Clone Commander Lee Talk 11:26, December 4, 2010 (UTC)
          • I can help you with this further if you need it, but I don't think that the current level of detail is entirely proportionate; try to be pickier about what parts you decide to elaborate on, because the intro is still disproportionate to the length of the rest of the article. The fact that they went to Florrum to deliver the ransom for Dooku is a quite necessary part of the article, but all of the detail about how they initially lost the ransom, hid in the geysers, retrieved the ransom, encountered some pirate tanks, and subdued the gunners really gets rather tiresome. I'd therefore recommend that you shorten that portion of information and then re-add the vital context about Dooku, whom you still mention in the intro albeit now with no context at all. Please see what you can do. CC7567 (talk) 08:34, December 5, 2010 (UTC)
  • While I do agree much more with the intro's current level of detail, I think it would be nice to mention his unit in the intro—you don't have to go into context about it, but it's significant enough to him to warrant a mention. CC7567 (talk) 04:01, December 11, 2010 (UTC)
A quickie from Xd
  • The context of Coruscant Guard in the intro is just too much. Besides, you don't have context on it in the body. 1358 (Talk) 20:18, December 1, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Around 21 BBY, Stone and some of his clone troopers of the Coruscant Guard…" Sounds rather awkward. Your usage of "his" and "of the" here makes it sound choppy. Could you find another way to get the CG in there?
  • This sentence is very long, can you split it? "Around 21 BBY, Stone and some of his clone troopers of the Coruscant Guard, along with Senator Kharrus and Representative Jar Jar Binks, were sent to deliver a ransom for the Galactic Republic in the form of spice to Weequay pirate leader Hondo Ohnaka, who had captured the Sith Lord Count Dooku."
    • I've tweaked this a little bit; see if it's good. 1358 (Talk) 19:31, December 25, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Although the group was attacked by the pirates and initially lost the ransom, Binks, Stone, and their men chased the pirates down and retrieved the spice." I feel this could use a bit elaboration. How did they retrieve the spice?
    • How did they kill the pirates? 1358 (Talk) 19:31, December 25, 2010 (UTC)
  • "When they reached the pirate base by following some energy lines to the outpost…" Mentioning both "pirate base" and "outpost" seems quite redundant.
  • "When they reached the pirate base by following some energy lines to the outpost, Dooku had already escaped, and Stone, his squad, and Binks, along with Jedi Generals Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi—who had also been captured by the pirates—left Florrum in the Twilight, the Jedi's ship." Very long sentence; please split.
  • "…and demanded from the Republic a ransom of one million credits in the form of spice in exchange for the Count." Improper English; "from the" needs to be moved somewhere else.
  • "However, Turk Falso, a member of Ohnaka's gang, betrayed his pirate captain and ordered…" What? A pirate captain? Do you mean Ohnaka?
  • "Mentir, using a Flarestar-class Weequay ship, managed to shoot down the Republic shuttle, sending it crashing into the planet's Doshar fields." Two things: First, "Sending it crashing" sounds strange. Second, you can't say "into the planet's <name>". That doesn't work. It would work for example, "the planet's mountains", but not for a name of a place.
    • This still doesn't sound right. 1358 (Talk) 19:31, December 25, 2010 (UTC)
  • Technically, Binks being the "highest ranking military officer" is intro-only.
    • Is it highest-ranking or highest ranking? Please decide. 1358 (Talk) 19:31, December 25, 2010 (UTC)
  • Can you give some context on Coruscant? Like "galactic capital" or something.
    • Please note that 'galactic' is not capitalized. I've fixed it for ya this time. 1358 (Talk) 19:31, December 25, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Shortly thereafter, Binks spotted Falso and several of his allies approaching on swoop bikes…" Nitpicky, but "allies" sounds like he had an alliance with some random guys… perhaps "fellow pirates" would work better?
  • "Stone ordered his troops into a defensive circle, but the pirates cut the clones off from their crashed ship." Nit-picky again, but did he order them to form a defensive circle around the ship? Otherwise that makes no sense.
    • This one remains. 1358 (Talk) 19:31, December 25, 2010 (UTC)
      • Still remains. 1358 (Talk) 19:41, January 7, 2011 (UTC)
        • Well XD, what do you want me to write? He juts ordered them to go into a defensive circle around nothing. Clone Commander Lee Talk 18:11, January 8, 2011 (UTC)
          • My bad; misread that. 1358 (Talk) 22:01, January 8, 2011 (UTC)
  • More to come eventually… 1358 (Talk) 20:18, December 15, 2010 (UTC)
  • "Around 21 BBY, Stone, together with some of his Coruscant Guard clone troopers, along with Senator Kharrus and Representative Jar Jar Binks, were sent to the planet Florrum." Using both "together with" and "along with" sounds strange.
  • "The impact killed the shuttle's two pilots…" What impact? Perhaps get a mention of the crash-landing here? 1358 (Talk) 19:31, December 25, 2010 (UTC)

Comments

Approved as a Featured article by Inquisitorius 03:21, January 11, 2011 (UTC)