I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms with hot air blowers.
Penny
I thought the blowers were more sanitary?
Leonard and Howard
Why? Don't!
Sheldon
Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Hey guys, I just got the most amazing new... (spots Penny) ew-ew-ew
Penny
Gosh, Raj, do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk? (Shakes head.) Okay, well, I'll just, um, go eat by myself.
Leonard
Penny, you don't have to do that.
Penny
No, it's okay, between (indicates Raj) him not talking, (indicates Sheldon) him talking and... (indicates Howard) him, I'm better off alone, so, (to Raj) goodbye you poor strange little man (gives him a kiss and exits.)
Raj
She's so considerate.
Howard
So what's your news?
Raj
Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
Leonard
Oh yeah, two zero zero eight NQ sub seventeen.
Raj
Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood. Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their thirty under-30 to watch.
Leonard and Howard together
Well, wow, that's incredible.
Sheldon
Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj
Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their fields.
Sheldon
If I had a million guesses I never would have gotten that.
Raj
It's pretty cool, they've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger in Indonesia, and a psychotherapist who's using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Howard
Oh, I'd so do her.
Leonard
You'd do the dolphins.
Howard
Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used.
Raj
Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard
Poverty? Your father's a gynaecologist, he drives a Bentley.
Raj
It's a lease.
Sheldon
I'm confused. Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
Raj
Peer review? It's People magazine. People picked me.
Sheldon
What people?
Raj
The people from People.
Sheldon
Yeah, but exactly who are these people? What are their credentials, how are they qualified, what makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under thirty?
Raj
Boy, I bet Ellen Pages friends aren't giving her this kind of crap.
Leonard
Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon
In general, yes.
Credits sequence
Scene
Sheldon's office. He is making annotations on his board.
Sheldon
Oh, there's my missing neutrino. You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge, weren't you, you little subatomic Dickens?
Leonard (entering with Howard)
Hi Sheldon.
Sheldon
Here, look, look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard
Oh, good, we can take it off the milk cartons.
Leonard
Well, we’re going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon
Apologize, for what?
Leonard
Well, he came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.
Sheldon
I sense you're trying to tell me something.
Howard
You were a colossal ass-hat.
Sheldon
Oh! No, I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard
Really, do tell.
Sheldon
How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a “world’s greatest dad” coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard
Okay, let's try it this way, what if the People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon
I had not considered that.
Leonard
Come on.
Sheldon
I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
Howard
He can feel sadness?
Leonard
Not really, it's what you and I would call condescension.
Scene
Outside Raj's office.
Leonard
And when we go in there, let's show Raj that we’re happy for him.
Sheldon
But I'm not.
Howard
Well then fake it. Look at me, I could be grinding on the fact that without my stabilizing telescope mount he never would have found that stupid little clump of cosmic schmutz, but I'm bigger than that.
Sheldon
Fine, what do you want me to do?
Leonard
Smile. (He does, exaggeratedly.)
Howard
Oh crap, that's terrifying.
Leonard
We’re here to see Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
Howard
Try less teeth. (Does. It isn't much better.)
Leonard
Close enough, come on. (Knocking and entering.) Hi Raj.
Raj
Hey guys, what's up?
Howard
We just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.
Leonard
Celebrate your thirty under thirty thing. Right Sheldon? (He smiles.)
Mister Wolowitz. Boys, I’ve got a question for you. Who in this room discovered a star?
Raj
Actually, 2008 NQ sub 17 is a planetary body.
Gablehauser
I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. You, my exotic young friend are my star.
Sheldon
Well, you didn't discover him, you merely noticed he was here, much like he did with 2008 NQ sub 17.
Leonard
Sheldon!
Sheldon
Oh, sorry. (Smiles)
Gablehauser
Well, we’ve got to get you into a better office, something more suited to your status.
Raj
Really, you don't have to go to any trouble.
Gablehauser
How about if I put you in Von Gerlick's old office?
Raj
I'd rather have Fishbine's, it's bigger.
Gablehauser
Done.
Howard
Wait a minute, I called dibs on Fishbine's office the day he started showing up at work in his bathrobe.
Sheldon
He gets a new office, I can't even get paper towels in the men's room?
Leonard
Sheldon.
Sheldon
Damn, this is hard. (Smiles)
Gablehauser
Let me ask you something, what do you think the business of this place is?
Leonard (after he, Sheldon and Howard whisper to each other)
Science?
Gablehauser
Money.
Howard
Told you.
Gablehauser
And this boy's picture in People magazine is going to raise us a pile of money taller than... well, taller than you (ruffling Howard's hair.)
Howard
I have a master's degree.
Gablehauser
Who doesn't? Dr. Koothrappali, have you ever had lunch in the President's dining room?
Raj
I didn't even know there was a President's dining room.
Gablehauser
It's the same food as the Cafeteria, only fresh. Come on little buddy.
Raj
Okay, big buddy. See you tonight guys. (They leave.)
Leonard
You can stop smiling now.
Sheldon
Aaaah!
Scene
A restaurant.
Raj
So anyway, after a fantastic lunch I was whisked off to the People magazine photo shoot... have any of you boys ever been to a photo shoot?
Leonard
No.
Raj
It's fantastic, apparently the camera loves me and I it. They shot me in front of a starry background where I posed like this. (Stares into space.) They're going to digitally add a supernova, they say it's the perfect metaphor for my incandescent talent.
Sheldon
Right, a ball of hot flaming gas that collapses in on itself. (Leonard nudges him. He smiles. Phone rings.)
Raj
Excuse me. Oh, it's my assistant Trevor. Go for Koothrappali. Uh-huh.
Howard
They gave him an assistant? If I want a new pen I have to go to the bank with wire cutters.
Sheldon (still smiling)
Have we at this point met our social obligations?
Leonard
Not yet.
Raj
Okay, just put it on my calendar but start thinking of a reason why I can't go, alrighty? Koothrappali out. God bless that boy, I don't know what I'd do without him.
Leonard
You just got him this afternoon.
Raj
Yes, but I'm finding that having a lackey suits me.
Leonard
A lackey?
Raj
Oh, I'm sorry, is that politically incorrect? In India we just call them untouchables.
Sheldon
Now?
Leonard
Almost.
Raj
Speaking of untouchables, I’ve got great news for you guys. People magazine is having a reception this Saturday, and I managed to get you invited.
Howard
Oh, gee, thanks.
Raj
Oh, you're welcome. Of course, I couldn't get you into the VIP section, because, you know, that's for VIPs, and you guys are just, you know, Ps.
Sheldon
There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village they kill him, and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense of course, but one can see their point. (Smiles)
Penny (bringing another grasshopper)
Here you go, Raj, you might want to drink this one slowly.
Raj
Okay, so, Saturday night, can I count on my posse?
Howard
Gee, I'd love to Raj, but I can't make it.
Raj
Oh, okay, Leonard?
Leonard
Well, uh, no I... the... no.
Raj
Sheldon?
Sheldon
I can make it, but I won't.
Penny
What are you guys talking about?
Raj
Well, there's a reception for my magazine article on Saturday.
Penny
And you guys aren't going? I can't believe you, Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you're not even going to be there to support him?
Sheldon
A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard
That would be cool. I'd go to that reception.
Penny
Come on, this is huge, Raj is going to be in People magazine. And he didn't even have to knock up one of the Spears sisters.
Raj
Would you like to go with me?
Penny
Of course I would, I would be honored.
Raj
Really? Cool.
Penny
Shame on you guys. (Leaves)
Raj
Look at that. I got a date with Penny. I can't believe it took you a whole year.
Sheldon
Now?
Leonard
Now. (They all get up and leave. Raj looks around himself, then leans over to the next table.)
Raj
Hey, buddy. I'm going to be in people magazine.
Charlie Sheen (turning round)
Yeah, call me when you're on the cover.
Scene
Outside Penny's door. Raj in a suit knocks on the door with his foot as he has a glass of champagne in both hands. He drinks one. Penny opens door, she is dressed up also.
Penny
Oh, Raj, look at you!
Raj
I know, I am resplendent like the noonday sun, am I not?
Penny
Um, yeah, starting with the champagne a little early aren't you?
Raj
It was in the limo. They sent a limo. I have a limo. I just love saying limo. Here, sip on this while you're getting ready.
Penny
Oh, I'm ready.
Raj
That's what you're wearing.
Penny
Um, yeah, why what's wrong with it?
Raj
Nothing, I was just hoping for something a little more, you know, redonkulous.
Penny
Yeah, well, this is all the donkulous you're gonna get.
Raj
Okey dokey, let's roll. Alright, it's time to raise the roof. Oo-ooh, oo-ooh.
Penny (to Leonard who is just coming up the stairs)
Hey Leonard.
Leonard
Hey.
Raj
Dude.
Leonard
You look very nice.
Raj and Penny together
Thank you.
Penny
Uh, come on, good night Leonard.
Leonard
Good night.
Raj
Hey, Leonard, did you see my limo downstairs.
Leonard
Yeah.
Raj
It's bigger than the house my grandfather grew up in.
Leonard
Terrific.
Raj
It has more food too.
Penny
Alright, come on, come on.
Raj (leaving, singing)
I'm coming up so you better get this party started.
Leonard (entering apartment)
Hey.
Howard
Hey, good news, you don't have to sulk about Penny any more, look, there are hundreds of Croatian women just waiting for you to contact them.
Leonard
Anythingforagreencard.com?
Howard
I'll lend you my user name, it's wealthybigpenis.
Leonard
You're joking.
Howard
Well, you gotta make it easy for them, they're just learning English.
Leonard
Pass.
Howard
So you're just going to sit around here and mope while Penny is out with Doctor Apu from the Kwik-e-Mart?
Leonard
It's not a date, and that's racist.
Howard
It can't be racist, he's a beloved character on the Simpsons.
Leonard
Let's just eat so I can get to bed. With any luck tonight will be the night my sleep apnoea kills me.
Sheldon
Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced not shredded?
Leonard
Yes.
Sheldon
Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Leonard
Yes.
Sheldon
Brown rice, not white?
Leonard
Yes.
Sheldon
Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard.
Leonard
Yes.
Sheldon
Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Leonard
Yes.
Sheldon
Thank you.
Leonard
You're welcome.
Sheldon
What took you so long?
Leonard
Just sit down and eat.
Sheldon
Fine. (Opens carton. Shows it to Leonard in disgust.)
Leonard
Alright, it's shredded, what do you want me to do?
Sheldon
I want you to check before you accept the order.
Leonard
Sorry.
Sheldon
Were you distracted by the possibility that Koothrappali might have intercourse with Penny tonight?
Leonard
He's not going to have intercourse with Penny.
Sheldon
Then there's no excuse for this chicken. You know, this situation with Koothrapali brings to mind a story from my childhood.
Howard
Oh goody, more tales from the panhandle.
Sheldon
That's Northwest Texas, I'm from East Texas, the Gulf region, home to many Vietnamese shrimpers.
Leonard
Do the shrimpers feature in your story?
Sheldon
No. Anyway, when I was eight, a Montgomery-Ward delivery van ran over our cat, Lucky.
Howard
Lucky?
Sheldon
Yes, Lucky.
Leonard
He's irony impaired, just move on.
Howard
Okay, dead cat named Lucky, continue.
Sheldon
While others mourned Lucky, I realized his untimely demise provided me with the opportunity to replace him with something more suited to my pet needs. A faithful companion that I could snuggle with at night, and yet would be capable of killing upon telepathic command.
Howard
So, not a puppy?
Sheldon
Please, no, nothing so pedestrian. I wanted a griffin.
Leonard
A griffin?
Sheldon
Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard
And mythological.
Sheldon
Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one, but my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.
Howard
Sheldon, not that we don't all enjoy a good lion semen story, what's your point.
Sheldon
My point is, if Koothrappali is moving on to a new life of shallow, undeserved fame, perhaps this is an opportunity to create a better cohort.
Leonard
You want to breed a new friend?
Sheldon
That's one option, but who has the time? But consider this, the Japanese, they're doing some wonderful work with artificial intelligence, now, you combine that with some animatronics from the imagineers over at Disney, next thing you know, we’re playing Halo with a multi-lingual Abraham Lincoln.
Howard
Sheldon, don't take this the wrong way, but, you're insane.
Leonard
That may well be, but the fact is, it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon
Uh, for the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens, and I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.
Leonard
If we do get a new friend, he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard
And he should have a lot of money, and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon
He should share our love of technology.
Howard
And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard
Yeah, let's see, money, women, technology, okay we’re agreed, our new friend is going to be Iron Man.
Scene
Raj's apartment. Raj is heard singing in a drunk voice through the door. He enters with his arm around Penny.
Raj
Welcome to the Raj Mahal.
Penny
Yes, it's very nice, goodnight Raj.
Raj
No, wait, the evening's not over.
Penny
Yes it is.
Raj
No, it's time to put on some R. Kelly and suck face.
Penny
Oh, wow, is the evening over.
Raj (as a ringing noise is heard)
Wait, wait, that's my mummy and daddy calling from India. I want you to meet my parents.
Penny
Wait, meet them.
Raj (inhales deeply, picks up laptop, presses a button. His mother and father appear on the screen)
Hello mummy and daddy, good to see you. I'm not drunk.
So, she's not Indian, the boy's just sowing some wild oats.
Penny
No, no, there's no sowing, no squeezing, and no sucking face.
Mrs. Koothrappali
What if he gets her pregnant. Is this little hotsy-totsy who you want as the mother of your grandchildren.
Raj
What right do you have to pick who I can have children with?
Dr. Koothrappali
Look, Rajesh, I understand, you're in America, you want to try the local cuisine. But trust me, you don't want it for a steady diet.
Raj
Now you listen to me, I am no longer a child, and I will not be spoken to like one. Now if you'd excuse me, I have to go throw up.
Mrs. Koothrappali
What's wrong with him?
Penny
I don't know, maybe it's the local cuisine. Okay, well, it's nice to meet you, just gonna set you on down over here, and I'm going to leave so, Namaste. (Leaves, then almost immediately returns) And FYI, you'd be lucky to have me as a daughter-in-law.
Dr. Koothrappali
She's feisty. I like that.
Scene
Penny's apartment. She is in her bathrobe. A note slides under the door.
Penny (opening door to find Raj outside)
Raj, what are you doing. (He hands her the note). No. No notes. If you have something to say to me, say it.
Raj (tries several times. Finally, in a high pitched squeak)
Sorry.
Penny
Oh, sweetie, it's okay. (She hugs him. As she does, Leonard exits his apartment to see Penny, in bathrobe, hugging Raj who is apparently about to leave. As she goes back inside, Raj turns, smiles, and puts both thumbs up. Leonard turns, with an upset look, to Sheldon who is standing behind him. Sheldon gives him his exaggerated smile.)
